Weeds Transcripts
Weeds
1x01: You Can't Miss The Bear
ORIGINAL AIR DATE: 8/7/2005
OPENING SEQUENCE
[INT. Agrestic Elementary School - PTA Meeting - Day]
(Nancy and Celia are the speakers at a PTA meeting.)
NANCY: So, I really think it's important that we remove all soft drinks from the vending machines and replace them with bottled water and naturally sweetened fruit juice.
CELIA: Are you talking about diet soda too? Because I don't think we should take away the diet soda. I mean so many of our girls are watching their weight...
NANCY: Our oldest girls are eleven. They shouldn't be dieting.
(A group of women in the audience at the back of the room are talking about Nancy.)
WOMAN 1: I think she got a little Botie between the eyes.
WOMAN 2: Well she probably treated herself, poor thing. If my husband dropped dead, I'd suck out, lift up and inject anything that moved.
CELIA: I know that you've got boys, so you may not understand...
NANCY: Understand what? That our children shouldn't be guzzling sugar and chemicals?
CELIA: No, we are in total agreement about the sugar. All the sugary drinks should go. So everyone in favour of eliminating the sugary drinks for the vending machines. Ladies... (A couple of women raise their hands.) Ladies... (All of the women raise their hands.) Wonderful. That's done. Thank you, Nancy Botwin, head of our Healthy Children's Committee. Now, let's take a break...
(Nancy goes and sits down.)
WOMAN 1: She's got the big bag. Guess he left her pretty well fixed, huh?
WOMAN 3: I heard there was nothing. They spent all that money on the new kitchen. Have you seen it? It turned out gorgeous.
CELIA: So give yourselves a round of applause everyone.
(All of the women get up from their seats.)
WOMAN 3: I wonder how she's getting by.
(Nancy hears the women talking and turns around.)
WOMAN 1: Nancy, we were all just saying how much we love your purse.
[INT. Heylia's House - Kitchen - Day]
(Heylia, Keeyon and Vaneeta are sitting around a table, sorting marijuana into bags. Nancy is standing up by the table, talking about her purse.)
NANCY: It's a knockoff, but you can't even tell.
KEEYON: Let me see that. Reisha been wanting one of these. How much you pay?
NANCY: Seventy five bucks.
HEYLIA: Reisha take one look at that crooked stitchin' and then she know you a cheap trick.
NANCY: The stitching on this bag is perfect!
(Heylia points to some stitching on the bag.)
KEEYON: Oh yeah. Right there, see it?
NANCY: God damn it.
HEYLIA: Yeah! Looking in the dictionary the other day. Saw your picture sitting up in there. Right next to 'dumb ass white bitch'. (A microwave dings.) Oh, cornbread.
NANCY: Oh that smells good. I miss carbs.
VANEETA: My friend Tylisha tried no carbs, she ate bacon and eggs for a whole month. I'm talkin' like five dozen eggs and a whole pig a day. She lost eleven pounds. The shit works.
NANCY: My sister does this thing where they leave a cooler bag full of no carb foot outside her house every day. She's lost seventeen pounds!
HEYLIA: We should start that in this neighbourhood! Call that the "I'm Getting Skinny 'Cause Some Nigger Stole My Bag of Food" diet.
KEEYON: Tylisha's still fat.
VANEETA: Uh no she looks good.
KEEYON: Then why'd Ronnie dump her ass?
VANEETA: 'Cause he found out she was taking his money for little Ron and spending it on shit for Cherie. And he all "Why don't my son got Adidas?".
NANCY: It's stupid to buy expensive shoes for a three year old who'll out grow them in a day.
(Conrad enters.)
CONRAD: You callin' black people stupid?
NANCY: And lazy... and they also steal.
HEYLIA: Oh, but we singers and dancers real good.
CONRAD: White people steal! Enron, WorldCom. They be stealin' billions of dollars flush it through some overseas bank account. Then sit on a beach and count they money.
HEYLIA: Oh, somebody been listenin' to the good Reverend Sharpener.
NANCY: Maybe black people need to start stealing a little bit bigger.
CONRAD: Maybe fucking so.
NANCY (pointing to a bag of weed on the counter): Hey that bag looks a little small...
KEEYON: You did not just say that!
HEYLIA: Bitch, I can eyeball an ounce from outer space with my glasses cracked. (She takes the bag and places it on some scales. It weights an ounce.) Oh, actin' like you know! Writing checks yo' ass can't cash.
CONRAD: You never question Heylia's eyeballin'. That's the Rainman of weed right there.
NANCY: I apologise. I'm still new at this. I stand corrected.
KEEYON: You stand? You on your knees corrected.
HEYLIA: Gettin' all beside herself, gon' come up in my house, tell me 'bout my business? Girl you need to recognise...
NANCY: All right! All right, fine! I'm a bitch ass... bitch. (laughter) Give me a little respect. I'm the biggest game in the private community of Agrestic.
HEYLIA: Drugs sell themselves biscuit, you ain't shit. (Nancy pulls a packet of money from her purse.) You still ain't shit. How much you got there? (motioning to a yellow ribbon holding the notes together) Take that crap off my money. You not givin' me a present, you're payin' me for weed.
NANCY: Excuse me for trying to bring a little beauty into an ugly world. (looking at her watch) Ah shit. It's two thirty.
HEYLIA: Well where you rushin' off to with your ass all on fire? Doctor Phil ain't on 'til four.
NANCY: Shane's got his grief counsellor.
HEYLIA: Oh...right. I'm sorry.
CONRAD: Wait I'll walk you out.
(Nancy and Conrad leave the kitchen.)
KEEYON: Damn
VANEETA: Can you imagine though? Boy out, jogging with his Daddy, having a good time. Then boom, Daddy drops. That would fuck a kid up.
HEYLIA: You show me who ain't fucked up. Who wants some cornbread?
(Cut to: Conrad and Nancy leave the house and walk down the front yard.)
CONRAD: You all right?
NANCY: I'm fine. I'm just late.
CONRAD: You sure?
NANCY: Conrad, we do business, not personal.
CONRAD: You know I'm full service. Andy didn't tell you that when he hooked us up?
NANCY: I believe my brother-in-law's exact words were "Dude, meet the finest jit with the finest shit".
(Nancy climbs into her car.)
CONRAD: Jit?
NANCY: I was just quoting. I gotta go.
CONRAD: All right. Drive safe. You know where I live at, right?
NANCY: I do. Bye.
[INT. Botwin House - Night]
(Shane and Silas are watching TV. Nancy walks into the living room and turns the TV off.)
NANCY: What happened in the guest room?
SILIAS: Ask Shane.
NANCY: I'm asking both of you.
SHANE: I fell through the skylight. But don't worry, I'm OK. (louder) Turn the show back on.
NANCY: There's a huge hole in the ceiling. What the hell were you doing up there?
SILAS: Lupita told him to get down.
LUPITA (from the kitchen) : I tell him missus.
SHANE: I didn't hear her.
SILAS: Come on! The deaf girl on Dewey Street could hear her.
SHANE: She's not deaf, she just talks weird. There's something wrong with her tongue.
SILAS: What? Who told you that? She's totally deaf. And Dennis Cling says there's nothing wrong with her tongue...
NANCY: Hey!
SHANE: What do you mean? What? Did they French kiss?
(Quinn, Silas' girlfriend, enters.)
QUINN: Hey Mrs Botwin.
NANCY: Hey Quinn. You want some chilli?
QUINN: Nah, I'm good.
SILAS: That's right Shane. They French kissed.
QUINN: Who French kissed?
SILAS: Dennis Cling and Megan Beals.
QUINN: Oh! They did a whole lot more than...
NANCY: Quinn!
QUINN: Hey, how's your shoulder?
SHANE: I'm totally OK. Can I have the remote back now? Please!
NANCY: You were here when he fell?
QUINN: Officially I was at Kim's house working on a science project.
NANCY: Officially?
SHANE: Yeah, they were making out! But nothing naked.
QUINN: Shut up!
(Nancy's pager beeps.)
NANCY: Oh, I gotta go out for a second.
SHANE: Where are you going?
NANCY: Just a neighbourhood watch thing. I'll be right back.
(Nancy leaves. Shane turns the TV back on.)
SILAS: Wanna fool around?
QUINN: Sure.
(Silas and Quinn leave the living room. Lupita sits down next to Shane.)
LUPITA: I love this show.
[INT. Botwin House - Driveway - Night]
(Nancy is in her car, and is about to pull out of the driveway. Josh, who was lying down at the back of the car, sits up.)
JOSH: Boo!
NANCY: Christ! Josh!
JOSH: You need to relax.
NANCY: My husband died of a heart attack. You wanna orphan my kids? So what's up?
(Nancy pulls out of the driveway. Josh climbs into the passenger seat.)
JOSH: My guy went on this yoga retreat in Redlands, and he won't be back for a week. I was just wondering if you could help me out.
NANCY: He didn't take care of you before he left?
JOSH: Well they've been playing Winged Migration at the Plex for the midnight show all week - wiped me out. Shit hasn't gone this fast since The Passion of the Christ.
NANCY: People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.
JOSH: It's not as disturbing as watching it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight up snuff film.
NANCY: Why don't you take the week off?
JOSH: That just goes so against my Christian work ethic, Mrs B. Come on, help me out. I'd do it for you.
NANCY: I don't need you to. My guy doesn't do Yoga.
JOSH (branding a wad of money): Cash.
NANCY: Josh...
JOSH: Come on! I was at the orthodontist's the other week and I heard all about Shane's overbite. It's gotta be costing you some serious green...
NANCY: You gonna play by the rules?
JOSH: One of your own kind, deal to your own kind, and put the love in the glove.
(Josh puts the wad of money in the glove compartment.)
NANCY: Here listen. You stay away from my customer base, you don't deal to kids. Are we clear?
JOSH: They're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed. No grass in the field, no grass will they yield.
NANCY: You're a poet.
JOSH: You know it.
NANCY: It's getting late. You want a ride home?
JOSH: No I'll be good. It's the suburbs. Safe to walk the streets at night and all that. (Josh opens the car door at steps out. Several cardboard coffee cups fall out onto the sidewalk.) Woah. You should take it easy on the lattes, Mrs B. Don't kid yourself, caffeine is a serious drug.
NANCY: Go away now Josh.
JOSH: Later Mrs B.
(Josh walks away. Nancy looks at a sign. It reads: Agrestic High School - First in Excellence / First in Pride.)
[INT. Playing Fields - Day]
(A group of young children are playing soccer on a field. Nancy is watching them from a tent marquee on the side of the field. Several men walk up to Nancy - they hand her wads of money, and she gives them bags of marijuana. Shane is standing on the field. Two of his team mates run past and knock him over.)
NANCY: Foul! Ref what's the matter with your whistle?!
(Celia walks over to Nancy and sits down next to her.)
CELIA: Well, technically Nancy, the ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own team mates.
NANCY (motioning to Celia's daughter, on the field): Oh. Look at Isabelle go. How's she doing with her nutritionist?
CELIA: Oh fine. Fine. She lost three pounds.
NANCY: In just four months. Good for her.
CELIA: She has a very slow metabolism. We're thinking of putting her on thyroid medication. Why she couldn't take after my side of the family I will never know.
(Isabelle runs over to Celia and Nancy.)
ISABELLE: Did you see that kick? Yeah, I wanna see more running out there Isabelly. That's what burns the fat.
NANCY: The kick was great, Isabelle.
CELIA: Yes it was.
ISABELLE: Yeah... I'm just gonna go get a drink.
(Isabelle walks off.)
CELIA: Water or diet soda only! You know I love Dean, but he has ruined my children. He has. Quinn has his asthma; Isabelle has inherited his unfortunate build... Breaks my heart. But we all have our crosses to bear. (Celia sees Shane sitting down in the middle of the field.) Oh look, I think Shane is bleeding.
(Shane licks his knee, which is bleeding.)
DEVEN (from the side of the field): Eww, Shane just licked his own blood!
KIDS: Eww!
CELIA: Maybe he needs more iron in his diet.
(Cut to: Nancy is putting some healing spray and a plaster on Shane's injury.)
NANCY: Here you go. Let the healing begin.
SHANE: Can we go home now? Please?
NANCY: It's not even half time.
SHANE: I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.
CELIA: No, you've got to tough it out, little man. See that's what your father would have said...
NANCY: How about this: how about you relax and have a drink and sit out this quarter, and you'll play again in the second half. OK? OK?
SHANE: All right. Can I have fruit punch?
NANCY: You can even have fruit punch. I love you.
(Shane runs off.)
CELIA: You know, from all the books I have read, you should really be encouraging Shane and Silas to talk about Judah's death. Or, down the road, you're looking at two very dysfunctional adults. Who will have trouble sustaining healthy relationships.
NANCY: Celia...
CELIA: What?
NANCY: I had no idea you read books.
CELIA: Well...
(Doug walks over to Nancy and kneels down next to her.)
DOUG: Hey Nancy, how's it going?
NANCY: Douglas.
CELIA: Do you know where your son Josh is right now? And what he's doing?
DOUG: Yeah, yeah, he's over there somewhere.
CELIA: Yeah, and he just happens to be...
DOUG: Hey Nancy, I was wondering if...
(Nancy hands Doug a magazine with weed inside it.)
NANCY: There's some really nice stuff in here, Doug.
DOUG: OK, that's great. It's kind of expensive, but I promise you it's worth every penny.
DOUG: Really? Well, you haven't let me down yet Nance. Thank you.
(Doug stand up.)
NANCY: You're welcome. Catch you later. (Doug doesn't move.) I'll see you later Doug.
DOUG: Oh, OK. Yeah, later.
NANCY: He's trying to find something nice for Dana, her birthday's coming up.
CELIA: Yeah well, if he really wanted to do something nice for his wife he'd ship that delinquent son of his off to military school. Will you look at that? (They both look over to Josh, who is discreetly handing another kid some weed.) The little scumbag sells drug right on the playground and nobody does anything about it. That's it, I'm gonna call the police.
NANCY: Oh please, save your weekend minutes. The kid'll drop whatever he's got by the time he sees them marching through the sandbox. There'll be nothing to arrest his for.
CELIA: Somebody's been watching Law & Order...
NANCY: It's the reruns. I've been finding Jerry Orbach oddly confident.
CELIA: You are such a brave widow. All right, now if you'd excuse me, I'm gonna chase that little fucker out of here. (Celia stand up.) Oh, did you hear? They found a ten year old with marijuana in his lunchbox yesterday.
NANCY: A ten year old?
(Cut to: the soccer coach hands an injured Deven an ice pack.)
COACH: Put that on your ankle.
DEVEN: But I wanna play. We're short one.
SHANE: I guess I could go back in coach.
COACH: What? Oh, uh... Botwin. Umm, there's only a few minutes left in the half. It really wouldn't make a difference. (to Deven) Now you, sit there and ice that ankle so you can play after the break, you hear me cowboy? Now the hurricanes don't fully blow unless you are out there!
SHANE: Coach, did you mean to say that to Deven? Because I think the hurricanes blow especially hard when I'm out there.
COACH: You watch yourself Botwin. (The coach stands up and walks back onto the field.) All right way to go hurricanes! Come on let's see some soccer.
SHANE: Actually you should alternate cold and hot every twenty minutes.
DEVEN: Don't even talk to me weirdo.
SHANE: Fine. I was just trying to help.
DEVEN: I don't need your help, lipstick.
SHANE: Lipstick?
DEVEN: Your fruit punch lipstick. Fruit punch! It's perfect. Fruit for the fruit. Or are you just pretending it's blood? 'Cause we all know how much you love the taste of blood. Is that it, vampire?
SHANE: OK, I'm confused. Am I weirdo, lipstick, fruit punch or vampire? You really need to pick an insulting nickname and stick to it.
DEVEN: How about orphan boy? (Shane picks up a can of soda and throws it at Deven.) I'm going to kill you! You little freak! (Shane runs away. Deven chases him.) You are so dead!
(The boys run past Nancy, who sticks her leg out, tripping up Deven.)
NANCY: Oh Deven, honey, you really need to watch where you're going.
[INT. Playing Fields - Pavilion Area - Day]
(Silas and Quinn are lying on a picnic table a hundred yard or so away from the playing fields.)
QUINN: Well it's never going to happen at my house. My mom's probably got like... spy cameras in the light fixtures.
SILAS: Come on.
QUINN: You think I'm kidding? This is a woman who put on of those stuffed teddy bear nanny cams in the pantry so she could see when Isabelle was sneaking food.
(They laugh. Shane runs up to them and hides under the picnic table.)
SHANE: I am so dead... I am so dead! Is he coming?
SILAS: There's no one chasing you Shane. Oh man, what are you wearing lipstick?
QUINN: It's not lipstick, it's fruit punch.
SHANE: I threw a can of soda at Deven Rensler.
SILAS: Well that was stupid.
SILAS: He called me orphan boy.
SILAS: He's a fuckwad.
QUINN: Did you hit him?
SHANE: No, just grazed him.
SILAS: Ooh, that's bad. You can't miss the bear.
QUINN: What bear?
SHANE: I missed the bear! The shot was nowhere near his optimum kill zone.
(Shane climbs out from under the table.)
QUINN: What are you talking about?
SILAS: Don't you watch Bear Hunt? On the Wilderness channel?
QUINN: Somehow I've missed it.
SHANE: It's only the best show in the history of television!
SILAS: Every week, these guys with gunracks and their bog old monster trucks go out and they kill a bear.
(Silas gets off of the table.)
QUINN: That's horrible.
SHANE: No it's so awesome!
SILAS: You're right. Right, right..
SHANE: "Bring enough guns to get the job done". Oh and tell her about CGS!
SILAS: Woah, Shane. You're gonna wet yourself.
SHANE: Shut up! You're just as in to it.
QUINN: CGS? What's...
SILAS: Carter Grizzly Sutt. He's the host! And at the end of each show he's got...
SHANE: The head of the bear that they shot that week!
SILAS: Right! And he leaves you with these like wise parting words like "You can't miss the bear. He's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your momma on Christmas morning!".
QUINN: OK, we are breaking up.
SILAS: Come on! Think of the time this'll save us on foreplay. You just whisper "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone" - I'll be good to go!
QUINN: I could whisper linoleum and you'd be good to go.
SHANE: Are you finally gonna do it? Thank God! He's been going crazy.
SILAS: Shane, shut the fuck up.
[INT. Playing Fields - Parking Lot - Day]
(Doug is in his car on the parking lot, listening to music and smoking pot. Nancy walks over to the car and taps on the window.)
NANCY: Doug.
DOUG: Jesus Nancy you weren't kidding. This stuff is primo. You wanna climb in?
NANCY: Unless you want to go back to buying ditch weed from you housekeeper's cousin, I suggest you put away the pipe, hide the open bag of pot and get your head out of your ass. What are you thinking?
DOUG: What?
NANCY: You're on the God damn City Council. What if someone like Celia walked by?
DOUG: She is such a bitch. Great tits, but... a raging bitch. Her husband's boning the tennis pro.
NANCY: The Asian girl?
DOUG: Mhmm. She love him long time.
NANCY: Doug, she's from Anaheim not Bangkok. She can't shoot tennis balls out her her twat.
DOUG: Well last week she stuck the handle of a racket up Dean's ass when he was ploughing her. He said it felt unbelievable. But you know, if you ask me, any guy who lets anything up there is at least part fag.
NANCY: How do you know all this?
DOUG: He's in the poker game.
NANCY: And he just... shared it with you?
DOUG: He was losing, drank too much.
NANCY: Did Judah ever say anything about our sex life at these games?
DOUG: No, no. The guys who still have sex with their wives usually don't wanna jinx it by saying something out loud. He was a great guy Nance. We miss him a lot.
NANCY: Yeah, me too. If only he'd lived long enough for me to stick foreign objects up his ass. I never even got a finger up there.
DOUG: You're an amazing lady.
NANCY: And you're an idiot. Air out the van and keep your smoke private. You hear me?
DOUG: Yeah, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. We cool?
NANCY: We're cool when you pay me. (Doug hands Nancy a wad of money.) Now we're cool. (Nancy reaches into the car and takes back her magazine.)
DOUG: Hey! Hey! Hey! I was just getting into that. You know it's all about Techxas this fall.
NANCY: Give my love to Dana.
(Nancy walks away.)
DOUG: Oh right, right. Will do. Hey, Dana wants you to call her about taking a class in vegetable gardening or vegetable cooking. Something with vegetables! Vegetable carving maybe!
(Cut to: Nancy is putting some stuff in her car boot. Josh sneaks up behind her.)
JOSH: Excuse me Ma'am, have you heard the good news about Jesus?
NANCY: You made me a promise you little shit.
(Nancy grabs Josh and pushes him against her car.)
JOSH: Hey! Take it easy, I won't sneak up on you anymore.
NANCY: I just heard a ten year old got busted. A ten year old! You're a fucking liar.
JOSH: The kid told me he was thirty seven.
NANCY: You promised me no kids.
JOSH: Yeah but they all want it. And they cry if you say no.
NANCY: Josh!
JOSH: I just sold him shake.
NANCY: He's ten!
JOSH: Look, when you opened shop here, I was totally cool with you, you know. And you took away a lot of my parent business, but I let it go.
NANCY: It's not OK to sell to little kids.
JOSH: Let their parents worry about it. I'm selling to whoever's buying , OK?
(Josh tries to walk away. Nancy grabs him and shoves him back against the car.)
NANCY: No you're not.
JOSH: No? What are you going to do? You gonna tell on me? My dad's over there getting baked in the minivan. He'll just be pissed that I was holding out on him. Don't worry. I will never sell to Shane, OK?
NANCY: You're a kid. You're just a stupid irresponsible kid.
JOSH: And you're a hypocrite. "Keep kids off drugs" cries the pot dealing mom. But you know what what, hey, if it gets you through the night good for you Nance. I'll see you around.
(Josh walks away. Shane, Silas and Quinn walk over to the car.)
SHANE: Can we go now? I hate soccer and Deven Rensler called me orphan boy.
NANCY: Deven Rensler's a fuckwad. Get in the car. (to Silas and Quinn) Are you two coming?
QUINN: Yeah. (They all climb into the car.) Can we have sex in your house?
[INT. Botwin House - Roof - Day]
(Nancy and Quinn are sitting on the roof, looking out to the horizon with binoculars.)
NANCY: So you guys really think you're ready?
QUINN: Yeah. I've tortured him enough. I'm mean we've been going out for almost three months already.
NANCY: Woah, a whole three months?
(The phone rings inside the house. Shane answers it.)
QUINN: But I trust him. And I think he loves me.
NANCY: I think you're right about that, but you guys are only fifteen.
SHANE: Mom!
NANCY: Shane? We're up on the roof. Who called?
SHANE: Quinn's mom. She's on her way over.
QUINN: Great...
NANCY: Go warn your brother.
QUINN: She's gonna make you swear that Silas and I are never in a room alone without the door open and a foot on the floor. She is such an uptight prude. No wonder my Dad's screwing Ellen Chin.
NANCY: You know about that?
QUINN: I had my suspicions. You just confirmed them.
NANCY: Aww shit.
QUINN: Look Mrs Botwin I think you're really cool. But Silas and I are ready.
NANCY: You say that, but... you don't know.
QUINN: You never know. When I has sex with my last boyfriend...
NANCY: Sex with your last boyfriend?
QUINN: Yeah. What? Did you think we were virgins? I'm climbing down. See you in the house. (Quinn stands up. On the other side of the house, she sees the neighbour, Mr Wells, in a Jacuzzi with a young man.) Oh, check it out! Mr Wells has a new boy toy.
NANCY: He... what? I didn't know he had an old one.
QUINN: Yeah, that guy Raoul from the security patrol, but they broke up a while ago. Hand me the binoculars. (Quinn looks at them through the binoculars.) Oh! Oh, no way! I know that guy. His dad would so fully freak if he knew Josh was gay. This is so funny.
NANCY: Josh? Josh Wilson, Josh?
QUINN: Yeah. I think he's a pot dealer or something.
(Quinn climbs back into the house.)
NANCY: I know nothing.
[INT. Wells House - Day]
(Nancy rings the doorbell. Inside, Josh is jumping around on a bed, naked from the waist up.)
JOSH: If it's girl scouts get the mint cookies!
(Mr Wells opens the door.)
MR WELLS: Yes?
NANCY: Just one second.
(Nancy walks into the house.)
MR WELLS: Wait, who are you?
JOSH (from the bedroom): Hurry up!
NANCY: I'll just be a second.
MR WELLS: Excuse me?
(Nancy walks into the bedroom and locks the door behind her. She pins Josh down on the bed.)
NANCY: Your dad may not care about the dealing, but from what I hear he'll be really upset.
JOSH: OK! You win! No kids, ever. I promise.
NANCY: Ah, your promises aren't worth much!
JOSH: I swear on my life OK, just ... you can't say anything. You don't know what my Dad is really like!
NANCY: No, I don't.
MR WELLS (from the other side of the door): What's going on?
NANCY: You think you know a person...
MR WELLS (from the other side of the door): He said he was twenty three.
JOSH: Promise me you're not going to say anything. Please trust me.
NANCY: I'll think about it.
JOSH: What does that mean? What does that mean?
MR WELLS (from the other side of the door): This is my house! My house!
NANCY: See you around, Josh. (Nancy unlocks the door and walks out. To Mr Wells) See you in church.
[INT. Botwin House - Dining Area - Day]
(Celia and Nancy are sitting at the table, drinking wine.)
CELIA: I know everything. I read her diary.
NANCY: You read her diary?
CELIA: They're going to have sex. Here, I brought you something. (Celia takes a pink bear toy out of a box and places it on the table.) It has a camera. Just slip it into Silas' room, flip the switch right under the tail here.
NANCY: I think Silas would notice if a big pink bear suddenly showed up in his room, and I'm not gonna spy on my kids. Celia, I trust them.
CELIA: Please, they're all liars and sneaks. And it is our job to discover what they're up to, and stop it. Are you really that naive?
NANCY: I'm beginning to think I am extremely naive.
CELIA: Take the bear.
NANCY: I'm not gonna take the bear.
CELIA: Take the bear.
NANCY: No!
CELIA: OK, fine. Fine. Just promise me, mother to mother, that my daughter and your son will not have sex under this roof. I know that it's hard for you to understand because you have boys, but I... I don't want Quinn turning into some little slut, like that deaf girl down on Dewey Street who gave fellatio to Dennis Cling. Promise me!
NANCY: Fine, fine! Not under my roof. You have my word. As a mother.
CELIA: Thank you.
(Silas, Quinn and Shane walk into the room. Silas is carrying pizzas.)
SILAS: Pizza's here!
NANCY: Where's my change?
SILAS: Here.
QUINN: Oh look Silas, look at that cute stuffed bear on the table. We used to have on just like it in our pantry. What happened to that bear mom? I miss that bear.
SHANE: You can't miss the bear.
CELIA: Uhh, that is the... the bear. From the pantry. I was just showing it to Nancy.
SILAS: Why?
CELIA: Why?
NANCY: I've been thinking of investing in one of those "Make Your Own Bear" franchises at the mall.
QUINN: Oh right, well... are you gonna keep him? Because I'd love to put him in my room.
CELIA: Give me the bear. Give me the bear. (Celia takes the bear from Nancy and hands it to Quinn.) He's all yours.
[EXT. Agrestic Elementary School - Playground - Day]
(Deven is sitting on a bench with some friends.)
DEVEN: Of course he's not here today. He knows he's get his assed kicked.
(Shane, who was hiding in a tree above them, jumps down and starts to spray Deven with a pink substance from his gun.)
SHANE: Haha!
DEVEN: Quit it! Quit it!
SHANE: You know I think pink's really your color, you fuckwad! Who's fruit punch now?
[INT. Botwin House - Guest Room - Day]
(Nancy walks into the guest room and sees Silas in bed with Quinn.)
NANCY: Nice... Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended, the two of you ditch school to fuck in my guest room. I've got everything under control.
QUINN: Don't you see? Technically we're not under your roof.
SILAS: See?
(The camera pans out and we see that the guest room bed is placed under a large window in the roof.)
[EXT. Heylia's House - Porch - Day]
(Nancy walks up to the front door and rings the bell. Keeyon answers.)
KEEYON: Hey! (Nancy starts crying.) Oh shit. Come on. It's all right. (They hug) Come on. Heylia! Bring out that pot you made last night. The white lady having a time over here.
HEYLOA: Tell her to get her skinny ass in here and get her own damn pot! Slave days is over!
(They walk into the house.)
[EXT. Hodes House - Living Room - Night]
(Celia plus the pink bear into her TV set. On the screen, we see her husband Dean having sex with the tennis instructor. The TV screen turns black. Quinn then comes on the screen. She mouths "Fuck You" to the camera and puts up her middle fingers.)
CELIA: That little cunt. I should have had an abortion.