The Office [US] Transcripts
The Office: An American Workplace
3x02: The Convention
First aired on NBC: September 28, 2006
Writer: Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky
Director: Ken Whittingham
Guest stars: Melora Hardin (Jan Levinson-Gould), Charles Esten (Josh Porter), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin), Leslie David Baker (Stanley), Kate Flannery (Meredith), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Creed Bratton (Creed), Mindy Kaling (Kelly), Matt Price (Evan)
Official Summary:
Michael and Dwight meet up with Jim at an office-supply convention in Philadelphia and Pam goes on her first date since breaking up with Roy.
Transcript by Jason
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DISCLAIMER: "THE OFFICE" and other related entities are owned by NBC.
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INT: THE OFFICE, PAM'S DESK
(Michaels enters)
Michael: Pam...
Pam: Yeah?
Michael: Did you see Oprah yesterday?
Pam: No, I didn't.
Michael: I, uh...I am going to be a father.
Pam: What was Oprah about?
Michael: Angelina Jolie was on and she adopted a baby from Asia and she that it changed her life and that...really inspired me. So...I want you to look into see how much a little Chinese baby would cost...
Pam: (concerned) That's a really big decision.
Michael: (nods) I know...
Pam: Maybe you should wait...before you adopt...
Michael: Well...
Pam: Or not adopt...
Michael: Just do it ok?
Pam: Roy's sister looked into it and the application alone costs a thousand dollars...
Michael: Uh, well...Find out if there's a cheaper, (corrects himself) less expensive baby...right?
Pam: You know she also said that the waiting list is like eight months...
Michael: Eight months?
Pam: Yeah...
Michael: I don't even know if I want a baby in eight months... (chuckles)
Pam: Probably won't...
Michael: You know what Pam...if in ten years I haven't had a baby and you haven't had a baby...
Pam: No Michael.
Michael: Twenty years...
Pam: No Michael.
Michael: Thirty...
Pam: (reluctantly) Sure.
Michael: (shakes Pam's hand) It's a deal...
OPENING CREDITS
INT: MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael and Ryan are going down a checklist)
Ryan: Alright, three pairs of pants...
Michael: Mm, hmm...
Ryan: Three pairs of socks...
Michael: Mm, hmm...
Ryan: Three...packs of condoms...
Michael: (devilishly) Yesh...
Ryan: Uh, fun jeans... (Michael points to the back of his door where his dry-cleaned jeans are hanging)
(Angela enters)
Michael: Ahh...
Angela: Sign please...
Michael: Per diem...
Michael: (VO) Guess where I am going...I will give you a hint. It's a booze fueled, sex romp where anything goes...
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: You are correct sir. I am headed to Philadelphia for the annual northeastern mid-market office supply convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which should be fun. Poor...little guy... has been stuck working under Josh...the poor mans Michael Scott...as he is known around my condo...
CUT TO ANGELA AND DWIGHT IN THE LUNCHROOM
(Dwight is facing the vending machines and Angela is facing the water cooler so as not to arouse suspicion)
Dwight: Don't be mad, it is a business trip...
Angela: But I don't understand. It's for managers...
Dwight: Monkey, I am an A-R-M, Assistant Regional Manager...
Angela: I know...It's...I was just really hoping we could spend some time together... (waits for Dwight to say something, he doesn't) Are you still there?
Dwight: Yes, monkey...
Angela: Don't monkey me. You can't wait to get out of here, A-R-M....
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF ANGELA
Angela: In the Martin family we like to say "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly...that's code for "Check out the slut." (starts swatting flies or something buzzing around her) Where are there flies in here?
CUT TO PAM'S DESK
(Kelly runs over to Pam seated at her desk)
Kelly: Oh my god, are you so excited for tonight? I'm so excited you guys are gonna click I can feel it...so what are you wearing?
Pam: This...
Kelly: (looks a little shocked) You look so pretty...
Pam: Thank you... (VO) Yes, I have a date.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat because I like to draw to...I'm kind of nervous...I haven't been on a first date in...nine years...probably shouldn't broadcast that...
BACK TO PAM'S DESK
Kelly: Well remember, do not sleep with him on the first date...its give him all the power...
Michael: Sleep with who, whom, who, whom?
Kelly: My neighbor Alan? They're going on a date tonight...
Michael: Oh wow, oh my god, I have a great idea, you know what you should do, it would be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress...It would be a great icebreaker...
Dwight: (with a pillow around his neck) And your veil...
Michael: (laughing) Yeah...Do it...
Pam: I'll probably just wear this...
Michael: Really? Ok...a word of advice. Unbutton that top button...lets those things breathe... (Pam looks down uncomfortably) Any message you want me to relay to Jim?
Pam: Um...
Michael: Um...ok, um.
Dwight: Um...
Michael: (to Dwight) You got that? Write it down...
(Michael and Dwight walk out the door both continuing to say "um.")
CUT TO KITCHEN
(Creed enters. Angela and Meredith are seated at the table. Angela is eating a bowl of cereal)
Creed: There's my girl...Noticed you were handing out some shekels...How would one get on that train?
Angela: (annoyed, as usual) That was per diem for Philadelphia...
Meredith: Ughh, that town smells like cheesesteaks...
Angela: (now annoyed at Meredith) That town is full of history. (storms out)
(Creed sits in Angela's seat and starts eating her cereal)
Creed: Andrea's, the uh, office bitch. You'll get used to her...mmm...Creed (introducing himself to Meredith as if he is meeting her for the first time - she shakes his hand, confused)
CUT TO MICHAEL AND DWIGHT ON THE TRAIN TO PHILADELPHIA
(Michael has on headphones and Dwight's neck pillow)
Dwight: Can I have my neck pillow back? (Michael pretends to ignore him) Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back? (Michael looks at him but pretends he can't hear him then looks directly at the camera)
CUT TO LOBBY OF CONVENTION CENTER
(Josh and Jim meet up with Michael in the lobby)
Michael: (shaking Josh's hand) Hey Josh, good to see ya...There he is, there he is the traitor. Traitor! Come here you. Come here. (hugs Jim) Prod, Progidal...my son returns...
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like with firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind...even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.
CUT BACK TO LOBBY
Jim: (to Michael) It's really good to see you man...
Michael: Yeah...wow, I didn't expect that. Good to see you too...
Dwight: (putting a lanyard over his head) Oh hey...How's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet?
Jim: Yeah, sold about 40,000...
Dwight: Shut up...that's impossible...
Jim: Nope...I did...
Dwight: Well, I did it too...
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: You know, when I saw Dwight I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were...and then he spoke...I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key....
INT: THE OFFICE
(Toby is over with Kevin)
Kevin: So did you hear? Pam is back on the market...
Toby: Really? She's dating?
Kevin: If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that.
(Toby walks away)
CUT TO HALLWAY AT CONVENTION CENTER
(Dwight and Jim are walking ahead of Josh and Michael)
Dwight: So what kind of commissions are you getting up there?
Jim: Ah Dwight...I missed you so much... (touches Dwight's shoulder)
Dwight: (knocks Jim's hand off his shoulder) You're so immature...
Josh: (to Michael) Listen, I heard you were a great salesman...
Michael: Ah...
Josh: And I just want to let you know that our branch absorbs your branch, I am gonna look for a place for you in Stamford...
(Michael looks at the camera as if he is saying "Whatever." Jan joins the group)
Jan: Oh hey are you all checked in?
Josh: Yup.
Michael: Yes.
Jan: Great lets everybody dump our stuff and meet back down here in a half an hour.
Josh: Ok.
Michael: Uh, Jan. (clears his throat) Look I think we need to set some ground rules...
Jan: (confused) What are you talking about?
Michael: The 800lb gorilla in the room? Carol? I'm still dating her so nothing can happen between us at the convention.
Jan: (angry) Step away from me Michael...
Michael: (oblivious) Thank you for being so brave with all of this...Thank you...
CUT TO PAM IN THE LUNCH ROOM
(Pam is reading the newspaper, laughs)
(Kelly enters)
Kelly: Alan's cartoon is so funny right?
Pam: Mm, hmm...
Kelly: And they're like...so smart...I don't even know what they mean half the time... (Pam nods)
(Kelly exits, Toby enters, tries to say something but gets shy and walks out)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S ROOM AT THE HOTEL
(Dwight is hanging a dartboard on the closet door and Michael is laying out the liquor stash)
Dwight: This party is gonna be awesome!
Michael: I know that is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator...more foot traffic...
Dwight: (pointing to the dartboard) Check it out...
Michael: That is crooked...on that side.
(Josh and Jim enter the room)
Jim: Wow...
Michael: Hey, Hey!
Jim: That...is a lot of liquor...
Michael: Yeah...
Jim: And a dartboard...
Michael: Well, that's how we do it in Scranton, or did you forget? (singing) Ain't no party like a Scranton party, cause a Scranton party don't stop, (various beat boxing with Dwight as they both dance...badly)
Josh: (looks at his watch) We should probably head on down...hook up with Jan...
Michael: Well, we have time... (holds up two glass martini glasses) One for the road gentlemen?
Josh: (to Jim) A shot of maduri perhaps?
(Jim and Josh laugh)
(Michael starts laughing. Dwight joins in...)
Jim: Oh no sorry, It's an inside joke. There's this bartender in Stamford who uh... (looks at Josh) You know what? You just have to be there.
Michael: I wish I was...I love inside jokes...I'd love to be a part of one someday...
(Silence. Everybody is looking around not knowing what to say to that...)
Josh: (to Jim after looking at his watch) Um, we should...
Jim: Yeah...
Michael: Alright, see you guys down there... (Jim and Josh wave goodbye) If you change your minds come back up...
Dwight: I'll do a shot with you Michael...
Michael: Ugh, that'd be gross. It's not even lunch yet.
CUT TO MICHAEL AND DWIGHT ON CONVENTION ROOM FLOOR
(Michael is waving at the camera)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
(Michael is covered in promotional items from companies at the convention)
Michael: SWAG!! Stuff we all get. (Shots of Michael at different booths getting items) I basically decorated my condo with all of my SWAG!
CUT TO JEROME BETTIS' BOOTH AT THE CONVENTION
Michael: Hi, (shakes Jerome Bettis' hand) I'm Michael Scott...
Dwight: (also shakes Bettis' hand) Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin...
Michael: I am a huge fan...
Jerome Bettis: I appreciate that guys...
Michael: You know what? I am having a big blowout tonight, room 308, hope you can come...
Jerome Bettis: (uncomfortable) Alright...maybe...
Michael: Well cool, ok, so can I tell people you're gonna be there?
Jerome Bettis: No, you can't...
Michael: So maybe... (begins to walk away)
Dwight: (whispering) Why do they call him the bus?
Michael: Because he's afraid to fly...
CUT TO DWIGHT TAKING A PICTURE OF MICHAEL WITH THE BLACKBERRY MASCOT
Dwight: Smile!
Michael: (to mascot) I don't know if you remember me from last year, but I am throwing a party, room 308. Be there.
CUT TO LOBBY
(Josh, Michael, Jim & Dwight are waiting for Jan)
Josh: (looking at his phone) Alright, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front.
Michael: (looking at his phone) Yup, yeah, she's up front...
Dwight: (to Michael) You don't have email on your phone....
Michael: I don't...have to. I just know. (brings the phone to his ear) Yes? Hello?
Dwight: No one called you. (Jim and Josh walk away)
Michael: See you in a bit, bye-bye... (to Dwight) May I have a moment of your time please?
CUT TO MICHAEL AND DWIGHT WALKING ON THE CONVENTION FLOOR
Michael: I need you to do something for me.
Dwight: Yes, anything.
Michael: I need you to research Josh. I need to know if there any skeletons in his attic.
Dwight: I'll call my buddy down at the station, stat.
CUT TO THE OFFICE
(Toby is at Pam's desk)
Toby: Good morning, Pam...
Pam: Hey what's up...?
Toby: (Toby is nervous) What's up, how was your...
(The phone rings)
Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office can I take a message? I will, you too. (hangs up phone) Sorry, what's up?
Toby: Um, if uh, (nervously laughs) um, I just completely forgot what I was going to say...weird...
Pam: Ok, well, if you think of it I'll be here...
Toby: (dejectedly) Ok. (walks away)
CUT TO CONVENTION LUNCHEON
(Dwight and Michael are getting drinks)
Dwight: (to Michael) So I uh called my buddy at the station...
Michael: Mm, hmmm...
Dwight: To do a little background check on Josh Porter...see if there's any aliases or anything...
Michael: Mm, hmmm...
Dwight: He wasn't volunteering today....
CUT TO BUFFET LINE
(Jim and Michael are getting their food)
Michael: Pretty crazy around the office...
Jim: Oh yeah?
Michael: Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk...
Jim: Oh, tell him I say hi.
Michael: I will call him later with that message...
Jim: How's uh, (notices camera)...Toby?
Michael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry...Is he why you left?
Jim: It was just, you know, good opportunity for me...a promotion...
Michael: Yeah, opportunity, blah, blah, blah, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors? Vis a vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two...basically.
Jim: It's really not a competition. (walks back to the table)
CUT TO LUNCH TABLE
Josh: Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope; we can grab lunch with them while we're here. (Jan nods)
Michael: Hey Jan, don't worry, I have got the tip (flashes a crisp $100 bill)
Waiter: Wow, oh my god, thank you!
Michael: No problem...
Dwight: Isn't that your per diem?
Michael: No that is a different hundred bill...
Jan: What have you generated Michael?
Michael: I...have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening...
Jan: What party?
Michael: The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited...
Jan: Michael, Jim and Josh are in meetings. I am in and out of meetings...I can't say on top of you 24-7.
(Michael looks at the camera and snickers)
CUT TO THE OFFICE
Phyllis: (to Pam) You should order the most expensive thing on the menu...So he knows you are worth it.
(Pam smiles and looks impressed)
Stanley: If you do that you're gonna have to put out... (Pam gives him a look)
Phyllis: Oh yeah, you'll have to put out... (Pam is speechless)
CUT TO FRONT DESK AT HOTEL
(Angela is all covered up and talking to the front desk attendant)
Angela: Is there a key for Jane Doe? (attendant gives her key) Thank you...
(Michael walks up to the front desk and doesn't notice her.)
Michael: (to attendant) Are there any messages for 308?
CUT TO CONVENTION FLOOR
(Josh, Dwight, and Jim are standing in a circle talking. Michael joins them.)
Michael: Hey, hey fellers...
Josh: Michael...
Dwight: Hey Michael...
Josh: (looking at his watch) Uh, well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uniball in about 45 minutes so we should probably go...
CUT TO HAMMERMILL BOOTH
Michael: Hey check this out. (points to a paper airplane game at the Hammermill booth) How 'bout that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton...
Josh: I don't think so...
Michael: Ah, oh...Jim...looks like you picked the wrong time to defect my friend...
Josh: (laughing) Fine. Alright.
Michael: Ok. Excellent. (Michael's phone rings as everyone is making their airplanes) Hey, Pam, what's up? Yeah, uggh...tell them I will give them general specifics tomorrow ok? Yes, say hi to Pam! (Jim is looking at the phone uncomfortably)
All: Hi, Pam!
Michael (on the phone): Yes, uh, Dwight, Josh and Jim... (to all) Pam says hi... (to Pam) Have fun on your date... (Jim looks up abruptly) Very good, talk to you later. (hangs up)
(Jim looks at the camera)
CUT TO THE OFFICE
(Pam looks over to Jim's old desk)
CUT TO THE HAMMERMILL BOOTH
(Josh throws his plane and misses)
Dwight: Oh nice try Josh...
Michael: It hit the, hit the rim...and (throws his plane and completely misses - the plane actually comes back at him) uh, ok...double or nothing...
Josh: What we...didn't anything Michael...
Michael: Well, let's...come on...
Josh: We'll do it, later... (to Jim) Come on, let's go...
(The Hammermill rep, Evan, interrupts Michael's goodbyes)
Evan: While I have you here can I talk to you about some new and exciting advancements to our product line?
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
(Michael is in his hotel room)
Michael: Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long distance relationships never work.
Evan: (OS) That is so true. (both with drinks in hand) Ready?
Michael: Mm, hmmm...Ok, let me tell you what we're looking for...
CUT TO HOTEL LOBBY
(Jan, Josh, Dwight, and Jim are seated waiting for Michael. Michael enters.)
Michael: Sorry, my meeting went late...
Jan: (looking at her watch) Really?
Michael: Yes, Jan. Really. With the rep from Hammermill.
Josh: They are exclusive with Staples.
Michael: Used to be. Evan'll call you in the morning to work out the details but we can now sell Hammermill products.
Dwight: (very excited) Yes! Ha!
Jan: Well, Michael, (shocked) I underestimated you.
Michael: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me. (Jan looks back confused)
CUT TO HOTEL HALLWAY
(Jim is walking down the hallway with a room key in his hand.)
Jim: (to camera) Dwight's room key. (points to the room number) And Dwight's room. What can I say old habits die hard... (opens the door)
(A woman is lying on the bed, covered by the wall)
Angela: D?
(Jim, taken aback, begins to run down the hallway.)
Jim: (to camera) Oh my god. Dwight got a hooker. Oh my god I gotta call...Well, I gotta call somebody. I don't even know who to call. (laughing) Dwight got a hooker!
CUT TO RESTAURANT
(Kelly is feeding French fries to Ryan who looks less than pleased)
Kelly: So Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons...she reads them everyday...
Alan: (smiling) Oh great...
(Kelly continues feeding Ryan, even though he is telling her to stop.)
Kelly: (to Ryan) But you love ketchup... (to Pam and Alan) He loves ketchup...
Pam: (to Alan) So how do you come up with cartoons?
Alan: I just uh, I kinda think about stuff that I see...or dream them.
Pam: You dream in cartoons? How fun!
CUT TO MICHAEL'S HOTEL ROOM
(A man walks to his room and sees that no one is there)
Michael: Hey, first guest...you are going to have some tequila my friend...
Guest: Um, I thought there was a party in here.
Michael: This is the party.
Guest: This is room 308?
Michael: Party central, so (the man walks away) what can I do you for? (Michael notices he left) Alright.
CUT TO RESTAURANT
(Kelly and Ryan are listening to Alan explain his cartoon to Pam.)
Alan: See this one is great because it can work on a couple different levels (close-up on napkin drawing)
Pam: (unimpressed) Oh...
Alan: Freedom fries? You get it?
Pam: Freedom fries...
Alan: Yeah, people always say like "Don't be edgy" but I don't know any other way...
Pam: (laughing) Oh...
Alan: Yeah, you get it. (looks at Pam's chest)
(Pam uncomfortably re-buttons her top shirt button.)
CUT TO HOTEL HALLWAY
(People can be heard getting out of the elevator)
(Michael walks out into the hallway and looks around, dejected and then walks back into his room)
CUT TO RESTAURANT LOBBY
(Kelly, Ryan, Pam and Alan are walking out of the restaurant)
Pam: Well, it was really nice to meet you Alan.
Alan: Yeah, next time bring some of your illustrations. I'll let you pick my brain.
Pam: (laughing uncomfortably) More freedom fries!
Alan: Yeah...
Pam: That's great...
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM IN FRONT OF LADIES ROOM
Pam: I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection. Um, I think when I like someone again I'll just kinda know. (nods at the camera)
CUT TO HOTEL HALLWAY
(Jim is getting off the elevator. Techno music can be heard coming from a room. Michael's room.)
(Jim looks at camera and walks over to the room)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S ROOM
(Michael is sitting in the dark with a strobe light listening to the music.)
Jim: Michael! (turns off the music and turns the light on) Am I the first to arrive?
Michael: (upset) People have been filtering in and out.
Jim: Can I get a drink?
Michael: What?
Jim: Can I get a drink?
Michael: Sure. (gets up to pour Jim a drink) You like cosmos?
Jim: Yeah, sure, sounds good.
Michael: So, why are you here? Is Josh busy?
Jim: Michael...Did I do something?
Michael: I get it. No, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford does better in sales, It's...I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs, It's just...
Jim: (interrupting) Wwwait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss.
Michael: (scoffs) Well, I'm not better than Josh...
Jim: Michael its not about...I transferred because of Pam.
Michael: (shocked) Oh my god. You don't even know. She's single now.
Jim: No I had heard something about that. It's just that...I kinda put it all out on the line...twice actually...and she said no...twice.
Michael: (sits down on the bed next to Jim) I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, it's...Hey, you know what? I will talk to her...
Jim: (looks at camera) Nope, that's ok...
Michael: Yeah...
Jim: That's alright...
Michael: I will, I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean he knows exactly how you're feeling...
Jim: Yeah, ok...maybe...
Evan: (OS) Are we too late?
Michael: Hey, no, people have been filtering in and out.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Evan, this is Jim.
Jim: How are ya?
Evan: Hey uh (introducing his coworker) Arnie Rissman, Michael, Jim.
Arnie: How are you doing? (shaking Michael and Jim's hands)
Evan: You guys work together?
Jim: No, we used to. Now we're friends.
Michael: Best friends.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Some people need dozens of friends to say "Hey look at me, I'm popular!" But not me, I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. (shot of Michael playing with the Blackberry mascot) When you meet that someone special you just know. Because a real relationship (shot of Jerome Bettis booth) can't be forced. It should just come about effortlelessly (not a misspelling).
CUT TO MICHAEL'S HOTEL ROOM
(Michael and Dwight are testing the black light)
Michael: Now would you do me the pleasure of hitting the lights sir? Ha ha...
(Dwight switches off the light. Stains appear everywhere.)
(Both laugh until Michael notices the stains.)
Michael: Whoa. What are all those stains?
Dwight: Blood, urine or semen.
Michael: God, I hope its urine.
THE END