The Office [US] Transcripts
The Office: An American Workplace
3x01: GAY WITCH HUNT
Original Air Date (NBC): 21/SEPT/2006
Writer: Greg Daniels
Director: Ken Kwapis
Starring: Steve Carell (Michael Scott), Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Leslie David Baker (Stanley), Kate Flannery (Meredith), John Krasinski (Jim Halpert), Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesly), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin), B.J. Novak (Ryan Howard), Angela Kinsey (Angela), David Denman (Roy), Mindy Kaling (Kely)
Guest Starring: Creed Bratton, Ed Helms (Andy), Rashida Jones, Charles Esten
Transcript by Nikki
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DISCLAIMER:
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"THE OFFICE" and other related entities are owned by NBC, blah blah blah
I do not own the characters in the story (if only)
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INT. THE OFFICE - DWIGHT'S DESK
(Dwight is clipping his fingernails at his desk)
(He clips his last nail and blows the pile onto Jim's desk)
(Instead of Jim, Ryan is sitting there)
(Ryan purses his lips and nods at Dwight)
Ryan: (VO) Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's, uh, old job.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF RYAN
Ryan: Which means, at my ten-year high school reunion, it will not say, "Ryan Howard is a temp." It will say, "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm." (beat) That'll show 'em.
CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE
(Ryan is working away)
(Pam glances up from reception and looks towards Jim's old desk)
CUT TO THE INFAMOUS KISS SCENE FROM "CASINO NIGHT"
(Jim and Pam are kissing)
(They break apart and pause)
(Pam's hands make their way into Jim's waiting ones)
Jim: (smiling) You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.
Pam: (with a small, shy smile) Me too. (pause) I think we're just drunk.
Jim: No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam: No.
(Jim leans in for another kiss)
Pam: Jim.
(Jim stops, pulls back and looks at Pam)
Jim: (almost a whisper) You're really gonna marry him?
(Pam nods)
Jim: Okay.
(Slowly, their hands slip away from each other)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: (pretending to cry) Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. (fake sob) Oh, I cry myself to sleep. Jim! (stops crying) False. I do not miss him.
CUT TO INTRO WITH CREDITS
INT. THE OFFICE - OUTSIDE OF MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(The cameras are outside filming Michael and Toby talking inside Michael's office)
Michael: No, that is the fun of this place. I call everybody "faggy." Why would anyone find that offensive?
Toby: Okay, I think Oscar would just like if you used "lame" or something like that.
Michael: That's what "faggy" means.
Toby: No, not really.
Toby: Apparently, you called Oscar faggy.
Michael: Yeah.
Toby: For liking the move "Shakespeare in Love" more than an action movie.
Michael: It wasn't just an action move, it was "Die Hard."
Toby: All, all right, Michael, but Oscar's really gay.
Michael: Exactly.
Toby: I mean for real.
Michael: Yeah, I know.
Toby: No, he's attracted to other men.
Michael: Okay, little too far. Crossed the line.
Toby: Okay, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual.
(Michael stares at Toby)
Toby: Yeah, he told me this morning. And obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: I would've never called him that if I knew. You don't...you don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
CUT TO THE OFFICE AREA
(Oscar is at the copier, Michael is talking to him)
Michael: Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
(At first Oscar looks confused, then realizes what Michael is talking about)
Oscar: (looks around) Oh, it's fine.
Michael: No.
Oscar: (in a low voice) It's okay, it's okay.
Michael: No, it's not. I just- I feel terrible about it. I...
(Oscar vigorously shakes his head)
Michael: I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake.
(The camera pans to Kevin who shakes his head)
Michael: If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way. You know? I'm just- I-I can't even imagine- the...thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime, and you could tell me...how you do that to another dude.
(Oscar doesn't know how to react to that)
Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.
(Michael walks back to his office as Oscar goes back to his desk)
(Kevin and Angela look at him)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF KEVIN
(Kevin can't control his giggles)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF ANGELA
Angela: It explains so much.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF OSCAR
Oscar: No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think that I'm gay if...(sighs) Uh... Yeah, I'm gay.
CUT BACK TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF KEVIN
(Kevin is now snickering trying to stifle his giggles)
CUT TO THE STAMFORD OFFICES
(Jim is sitting at a desk talking on the phone)
Jim: I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable. (VO) Why did I transfer to Stamford?
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: I...think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted.
CUT TO JIM'S NEW DESK
(Jim is staring out the window)
Jim: (VO) And you can't beat that view. Right?
(The guy in front of Jim scoots his chair back)
Andy: Hey, Big Tuna. You're single, right?
Jim: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am.
(Andy looks towards a pretty blond across the room)
(Jim follows his gaze)
Andy: Pretty hot, huh?
(Jim squints slightly then nods)
Andy: She's completely crazy. Steer clear, Big Tuna. Head for open waters.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: Okay.
(Andy turns back around)
Jim: (vo) I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day...
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: ...so Andy started calling me Big Tuna. I don't think any of them actually know my real name.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF ANDY
Andy: Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut-your-throat-to-get-ahead type of guy. But, I mean, I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell. You ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the a capella group, "Here comes Treble."
CUT TO THE STAMFORD CONFERENCE ROOM
Josh Porter: So, end of day, we are going to have a little diversity policy freshener, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. (Jim shrugs at the camera) And I have a list of business startups I got from the Chamber.
(Everybody groans)
Josh: Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them.
Jim: Oh, I can do that.
(A dark haired girl looks at Jim with a little hint of spite)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF GIRL (to be named later)
Girl: Jim's nice enough. I don't-I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. (imitates Jim's classic shrug) What is that?
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael and Dwight are standing by his window watching the rest of the office)
Michael: Can you tell who's gay and who's not?
Dwight: Of course.
Michael: What about Oscar?
Dwight: Absolutely not.
Michael: Well, he is.
Dwight: Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...
Michael: (sighs) There could be others. I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.
Dwight: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay. Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.
Dwight: I really don't think so.
Michael: I don't know. I can imagine her with another woman. Can't you?
(Dwight, still looking out the window, gets a small, wicked grin on his face)
Michael: Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at 'em.
Dwight: Jim told me you could by gaydar online.
Michael: That's ridiculous.
Dwight: Yeah, probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Michael: Let's call him and get the website.
Dwight: Definitely.
CUT TO JIM'S NEW DESK (in Stamford)
Jim: (on the phone) What's gaydar? Oh, oh, gaydar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image. (smiles at the camera) Oh, you know what? I can check for you. No problem. (pretends to type on his keyboard) It's sold out. Yeah, sorry about that. That's a bummer.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(hanging up the phone)
Michael: Well, they're sold out.
Dwight: Damn. Try Brookstone. (Dwight types something into the computer)
CUT BACK TO JIM'S DESK
Jim: (smiling) I miss that.
CUT TO THE OFFICE, RECEPTION AREA
(Pam is working at her desk)
(Roy walks in carrying two foil covered plates)
Roy: Chicken or fish?
Pam: Uh...chicken.
(Roy hands her the chicken plate, she puts it aside)
Roy: So, you, uh, having a good day?
Pam: Excellent. Thanks.
Roy: Good. I'm glad. Okay.
(Roy leaves)
(The camera tilts down and zooms in on Pam's left hand to reveal NO RING!)
(Also, side note, there are notebooks on Pam's desk)
Pam: (VO) Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding.
(Pam finally sees the cameras and knows what they were filming)
Pam: (VO) I got cold feet a few days before, and...I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm...I'm doing well. I have my own apartment, and I'm taking art classes, and I have lunch for the next five weeks.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF ROY
Roy: After Pam dumped me, I, um...I kind of stopped taking care of myself for a while there, and, uh...I hit bottom when, uh...I had a drunk driving arrest.
(Quick cut of Roy's mug shot to reveal a bruised, bloated Roy)
Roy: I've been working out, and, um...you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. (looks to the side trying not to cry) I gotta win her back.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF STANLEY
Stanley: I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.
CUT TO THE ACCOUNTING AREA
(Kelly walks up to Oscar)
Kelly: It is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.
(Oscar has no reply)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF OSCAR
Oscar: Yes, I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company. In Scranton. Much like, uh, Sir Ian McKellen.
CUT BACK TO THE ACCOUNTING AREA
(Angela is squirting some hand sanitizer on her hands)
(She glares at Oscar as she rubs her hands together)
Angela: (VO) Sure, sometimes I watch "Will & Grace." And I want to throw up.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF ANGELA
Angela: It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes, when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.
CUT BACK TO ACCOUNTING
(Meredith walks up to Angela's desk, picks up her hand sanitizer and reads the label)
(Satisfied with the alcohol content, she squirts some on her hand and proceeds to lick it)
CUT TO THE STAMFORD OFFICE
(Andy opens up his drawer to find his calculator floating in some green Jell-O)
Andy: Okay. Who put my calculator is Jell-O?
(Jims grins at the camera)
Andy: Good one. But, uh, seriously. Guys, who did this?
(Nobody answers, Andy stands up)
Andy: Seriously, guys. Who did this?
(Jim smiles at the camera again)
Andy: I need to know who put my calculator in Jell-O or I'm gonna lose...(kicks a trash can across the room)...my freakin' mind!
(Jim gets a scared look and pretends to focus intently on his computer screen)
(Jim slowly looks at the camera again and subtly shakes his head, still looking scared)
CUT TO THE SCRANTON OFFICE
(Jan walks into the office area and straight to Michael's office, but not before giving Oscar an overly friendly wave)
(Oscar just looks at Jan)
Jan: (VO) You know, it-it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so...obtuse...
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Jan: ...a-about sexual orientation!
Michael: I watch "The L Word," okay?
Jan: Good, good.
Michael: I watch "Queer as [beep]."
Jan: That's not what it's called.
Michael: So...
Toby: Okay, Michael, are you aware that you outed Oscar today?
Michael: What? What does that even...
Jan: Coming out is a significant moment for a gay person. And they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.
Michael: Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like..Gay Shame Festival.
Toby: All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his coworkers, primarily Angela, and, um...that's your fault.
Michael: I think Angela might be gay.
(Jan sighs and puts her head in her hands)
Michael: Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair?
Jan: No.
Michael: Maybe. Is that what this is about?
Jan: No.
Michael: I don't-
Jan: No. It's not possible.
Michael: Anything's possible.
Jan: Okay, you know, imagine...you were gay.
Michael: Well, I'm not gay, Jan, and you should know that better than anybody.
Jan: Michael!
Michael: Hmm?
Jan: Your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit, which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now, do you understand?
Michael: I know.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.
CUT TO LATER IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Oscar is sitting in a chair across from Michael)
Oscar: Am I the first gay man you ever knew?
Michael: Trick question. Because you can't always tell, so how would I know? Was that the right answer?
(Someone knocks on Michael's door)
Michael: Yep?
(Pam opens the door)
Pam: Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.
(Everybody is gathered around Dwight's desk)
Dwight: Uh, Michael knows, Pam. Okay, he asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.
(Michael shakes his head as he makes his way to Dwight's desk)
Michael: (looks at the monitor) Phew, okay. Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what? Gay porn, straight porn, it's all good. I don't particularly get into this, but, uh...You know what? I totally see the merit. And, actually...It is quite beautiful.
Dwight: Oh, damn popups.
Oscar: What are you doing?
Angela: Watching some of your friends.
Oscar: (starts walking to his desk) This is stupid. Excuse me.
Angela: Don't touch me.
(Oscar nudges Angela)
Angela: Help! Ow.
(Dwight quickly gets up and starts running towards Oscar kicking and screaming)
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it! All right, everybody in the conference room. I don't care if you are gay or straight or a lesbian, or overweight. Just get in here! Right now!
CUT TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: Did you know that "gay" used to mean "happy"? When I was growing up, it meant "lame." And now it means a man who makes love to other men. We're all homos. Homo sapiens.
(Pam turns to Ryan with glee at that statement)
Michael: (OS) Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people.
Ryan: (notices Pam) What?
(Pam's face falls as she realizes that she doesn't have a partner in crime)
Michael: I mean, anybody can be gay. Businessmen. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or...accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out to everybody here, however you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.
Oscar: (Oscar stands up) Yes, I'm gay.
(Meredith is the only one who looks shocked at this)
Oscar: And...I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so...whatever. Can I sit down now?
Creed: (VO) I am not offended by homosexuality.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF CREED
Creed: In the '60s, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors. In the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.
CUT TO BACK TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: Who, should be the judges and juries of our society?
Angela: Judges and juries.
Michael: Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage, currently, is not legal under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wished that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid, unabashed, monkey sex. As much as they could. You know, that sounds pretty good, right?
Kevin: That sounds great.
(Dwight raises his hand)
Michael: Yeah, Dwight?
Dwight: I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.
Oscar: No one else in this office is gay.
Dwight: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine.
Phyllis: I'm getting married to Bob Vance.
Stanley: You are?
All: Congratulations!
(Pam notices Phyllis' engagement ring)
Pam: When did you get that?!
Michael: That's great. Congratulations, Phyllis. That is great. And frankly, kind of amazing. See? Everybody has a chance.
Phyllis: Thank you.
Michael: But still, Phyllis...In college, did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do.
Phyllis: No, and you know me in high school. Of course, we all thought you were gay in high school.
Michael: (laughing) Yeah, right. Ha, ha! (sees Oscar's confused face) And I take that as a compliment.
Phyllis: Well, with your ties and your matching socks-
Michael: Well, I just liked to look good, okay, so-
Oscar: You sound pretty defensive, Michael.
Michael: No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero.
Oscar: I think the problem with this office is that YOU are sending mixed signals about my being here.
Michael: No, no, no. The only signal that I am sending is, "Gay good." Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just...I'd be waving that rainbow flag.
Oscar: (to Toby) I don't think I can work here any longer. (to Michael) This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.
(Oscar starts heading towards the door)
Michael: You misunderstand-okay. All right. (runs to stop him) Ba-ba-ba-ba-bop. You know what? Okay. (closes the door) Okay. I, uh...I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready?
Oscar: What are you doing?
Michael: I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this, Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go.
Oscar: No.
Michael: We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend.
Oscar: I'd rather not.
Michael: And I just don't care who sees it.
Oscar: I-
Michael: Doesn't bother me.
(Michael moves in for the hug)
Oscar: I really would-would-I'd really rather not.
Michael: Come here, friend. You're my friend.
(Oscar forcefully pushes Michael)
Oscar: No, NO! I don't want to touch you! Ever consider that? You're ignorant. And insulting. And small.
Michael: Okay. Mmm.
(Everybody in the room is looking down)
Michael: (sadly) All right. Um... (starts opening the door)
(Oscar puts a hand on the door closing it again)
Oscar: I'm sorry, Michael. Michael. I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on. (holds his arms open for a hug) Come on. All right.
(Michael starts sobbing on Oscar's shoulder)
Michael: I'm sorry I called you "faggy."
Oscar: I know, I know.
Michael: You're not faggy.
Oscar: I know you are.
Michael: You're a good guy.
Oscar: You too.
(Dwight watches the whole thing with a looks of angered confusion)
Dwight: (VO) Michael appears to be gay too.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: And yet, he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.
CUT BACK TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: You know what? I'm gonna raise the stakes.
(Michael is still has his arms around Oscar)
Oscar: You don't...really don't...
Michael: I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains.
Oscar: I don't think we need to-
Michael: Because this is an image that I want you people to remember.
(Everybody looks at Michael with unbelieving shock)
Michael: For a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office, I want you to think about this.
Oscar: We don't need to-
Michael: Yes, we do.
Oscar: What?
(Pam watches gape mouthed, Ryan tries to cover his eyes, but can't help looking)
(Michael, slowly, and somewhat painfully leans into Oscar)
(Finally, Michael manages to VERY awkwardly put his lips near Oscar's mouth)
(Oscar tries to get away, but can't)
(Someone groans with disgust)
Michael: I did it.
Oscar: (unsure) Thank you.
Michael: Thank you.
(Pam looks at the camera unsure of what to make of it all)
(Ryan looks at the camera traumatized)
(Kelly is gleefully watching in the back)
Michael: See? I'm still here. We're all still here.
(Kevin starts clapping)
(Dwight gets up from his seat and walks intently toward Oscar)
(He too leans in for a kiss and manages to get Oscar's cheek)
Michael: Oh, come one, Dwight! Come on, man!
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: We're not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature, but we can't lose the spirit of childlike wonder.
CUT TO THE OFFICE AREA
(It's the end of the day and everyone is getting ready to leave)
Michael: (VO) What is love, anyway?
(Oscar is the first one out the door ahead of everybody)
Michael: (VO) Maybe it's suppose to break all the rules.
(He passes by Ryan's new desk)
(Pam watches Oscar leave, then slowly, her eyes go to Ryan's desk)
Michael: Like me and Jan.
(Pam's eyes slowly fall)
Michael: (VO) Or Oscar and some guy.
CUT TO THE STAMFORD CONFERENCE ROOM
(Mr. Brown (from "Diversity Day") is going over his presentation)
Michael: (VO) Life is short. When two people find each other...
(The camera pans over to Jim who is sitting by himself)
Michael: (VO)...what should stand in their way?
Mr. Brown: (OS) It is very easy for you to be a hero.
(Jim looks at the empty seat beside him and gets a small grin)
Mr. Brown: (OS) All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.
(Jim's grin falls fast)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael is putting his coat on while looking out the window)
Michael: I'm glad today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what, even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. That's what she said. Or he said.
(Michael looks out the window one more time)
Michael: Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate. (to the camera) I wonder if he knows.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF OSCAR
Oscar: I was going to quit, but Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gil and I are going to Europe. (looks directly into the camera) Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.
CUT TO THE OFFICE AREA
(Dwight is cutting open a box on his desk)
(He pulls a note out)
Dwight: (reading) "Hope this helps, Jim."
(At reception, Pam perks up and looks over to Dwight's desk)
(Dwight pulls out a metal detector wand which Jim has affixed the labels "HOMO" and "HETERO" to)
Dwight: Nice.
CUT TO THE ACCOUNTING AREA
(Dwight approaches Oscar with the wand)
Oscar: What are you doing?
Dwight: Shh. Don't be scared.
(Dwight starts waving around Oscar)
(He reaches his belt buckle area when the beeping starts going off)
Dwight: (happy) It works. Heh.
(Dwight gets ready to walk away when the detector goes off near his own belt)
Dwight: Oh no.
(At reception, Pam tries not to laugh, then gets thoughful look on her face)
(Dwight's wand continues beeping)
THE END
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Transcribed by NIKKI
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