The Office [US] Transcripts
The Office: An American Workplace
2x11: BOOZE CRUISE
Original Air Date (NBC): 06/DEC/2005
Writer: Greg Daniels
Director: Ken Kwapis
Guest star: Leslie David Baker (Stanley), Craig Robinson (Darryl), David Denman (Roy), Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Creed Bratton (Creed), Kate Flannery (Meredith), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin) , Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Mindy Kaling (Kelly), Rob Riggle (Captain Jack), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Brenda Withers (Brenda), Amy Adams (Katy)
Transcript by Nikki
Origincally transcribed for TwizTV - used with permission
==========================
DISCLAIMER:
==========================
"THE OFFICE" and other related entities are owned by NBC, blah blah blah
I do not own the characters in the story (if only)
==========================
INT. THE OFFICE BREAKROOM
(Jim is looking deadpan at the camera and munching a bag of chips)
(He turns to leave as Dwight enters)
Jim: Hey.
Dwight: Hello.
(Dwight walks up to the vending machine)
Dwight: JIM!
(Jim turns around)
Jim: What's up buddy?
Dwight: This is not funny.
(The camera pans to the vending machine to reveal objects from Dwight's desk among the selections)
Dwight: Why is my stuff in here?
Jim: Wow, that's weird. Ooh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.
Dwight: Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this 'cause you're friends with the, uh, vending machine guy.
Jim: Who, Steve?
Dwight: Yeah, Steve.
(Dwight starts pushing button on the machine, Pam walks up)
Pam: Oh, sorry. What do I want? What do I want? Ooh, it's a pencil cup.
(Pam puts coins into the machine)
Dwight: Oh, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup.
Pam: Um, I don't think so, I just bought it.
Dwight: Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me.
(Pam takes the purchased pencil cup out of the machine)
Pam: I love these.
Dwight: Okay, fine. (digs in his pockets) Where's my wallet?
(Jim taps on the vending machine glass)
Jim: Um, oh, there it is. J1
Dwight: I don't have any-
Jim: Here you know what, you can have some nickels.
(Jim hands Dwight a bag of nickels and walks off)
Dwight: 5, 10. 15, 20, 25...
CUT TO INTRO WITH CREDITS
INT. THE OFFICE
(Michael walks into the office)
Michael: Hello everyone.
Dwight: Morning Michael.
Phyllis: Where are we going this afternoon?
Michael: Nah, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. (looks at the camera)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM AND JIM
Pam: Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo.
Jim: (reading) "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event."
(Quick cut to Kevin packing a thong and condoms)
Jim: (VO) "So pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush. Rubber-soled shoes...
(Cut back to Pam and Jim)
Jim: ...and a ski mask."
Pam: A ski mask AND a swimsuit?
Jim: So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers.
Pam: (laughing) And brush our teeth.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Someone knocks on his door)
Michael: Yeah?
Stanley: Michael...
Michael: Stanley...bo banley.
Stanley: I need to know-
Michael: Banana fana fo fanley.
Stanley: What we're doing.
Michael: Me mi mo manley.
Stanley: You said bring a toothbrush.
Michael: Stanley.
Stanley: Is this an overnight?
Michael: Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it?
Stanley: Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow?
Michael: Maybe, I don't know.
Stanley: Not maybe, yes or no.
Michael: Well, no, but...okay, don't spoil it for everybody. All right? But, we...are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.
Stanley: In January?
Michael: It's cheaper.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single, mind-blowing experience.
CUT TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack.
Dwight: (pumps fist) Yes!
(Everybody is silent)
Michael: It's a booze cruise!
Meredith: All RIGHT!
Ryan: I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?
Michael: No, this is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're going to learn plenty. This is going to turn your life around, Ryan.
Ryan: I'm already in business school.
Michael: Well, this...
Kelly: Wait, Michael.
Michael: Yeah?
Kelly: Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?
Michael: To throw you off the scent.
Kelly: Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.
Michael: Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
Kelly: I took the tags off already.
Michael: Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just-we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay. I know what you're all thinking. Who is this smart little cookie?
(Michael points to a lady sitting at the table)
Michael: Her name is Brenda...something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and- It wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But, it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.
CUT BACK TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: Leader...ship. The word ship is hidden inside the word leadership. As its derivation.
(Jim looks at the camera)
Michael: So, if this office is in fact a ship, as it's leader...I am the captain. (puts on a captain hat) But...We're all in the same boat. Teamwork.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF OSCAR
Oscar: Last year, Michael's theme was "bowl over the competition." So, guess where we went?
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: Now, on this ship that is the office, what is the sales department? (Dwight thinks about it) Anyone?
Darryl: How about, the sales department is the sails?
Michael: Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good.
(Darryl shakes his head)
Michael: Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: Yeesh, how old is this ship?
Pam: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just- (sighs) It's the sales- I see the sales department are down there, they're in the engine room and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean who saw the movie "Titanic"? They were very important in the movie "Titanic". Who saw it? Show of hands?
(Angela and Meredith raise thier hands)
Jim: Not really sure what movie you're talking about. You sure you got the title right?
Michael: "Titanic"?
Pam: I think you're thinking of "The Hunt for Red October".
(Jim nods his head)
Michael: No, I'm- Leo DiCaprio, come on!
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Michael stands in the front of the boat and says he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.
CUT BACK TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Phyllis: Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
Michael: No, thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. (stutters) They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty. And they're singing their ethnic songs. And- actually, that might be warehouse.
Darryl: What?
Michael: The, no, no.
(Brenda writes something down, Michael tries to look)
Michael: No I didn't...okay, well, the- Okay, in a nutshell what I'm saying is leadership. We'll get, we'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship.
Dwight: (saluting) Aye, aye, Captain.
CUT TO THE SHIP
(Everybody is bundled up and making their way down the dock)
Michael: (singing along to the Gilligan's Island theme song)
A three hour tour
A three hour tour
(Pam and Roy pass Michael)
Michael: Pam, you are Mary Ann.
(Jim and Katy pass)
Michael: We have...The Professor and Ginger. Welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. (to Kelly) Uh, the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... (to Stanley) Oh, uh, we have, uh...one of the Globetrotters. I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan.
Dwight: Cool.
Jack: Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan.
Michael: Oh, I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott. I am the Captain of this party.
Jack: I'm Captain Jack. I'm Captain of the ship.
Michael: Aah!
Jack: I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on this ship. Hi, welcome aboard.
Michael: Okay.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. Oh a boat, who knows? It's nebul-ose.
CUT TO THE BOAT
(Michael is standing at the front of the boat)
Michael: Hey look. I'm king of the world!
(Jim looks at his watch, then to the camera and mouths, "the first hour")
Michael: (OS) Wooo!
CUT TO INSIDE THE BOAT
Jack: Okay, all right. Welcome aboard. I am your captain, Captain Jack.
Michael: And I am Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome.
Jack: Okay, so, um...
Michael: Okay, so.
Jack: Please. The, uh, life preservers. They are located underneath the seats all along the perimeter of the boat.
Michael: But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight.
Jack: Well, we might just be, okay?
Michael: This is just gonna be-
Jack: Please let me finish, okay?
Michael: Well...
Jack: Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. Now, on this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the sides.
(People laugh, but not as hard as Dwight)
Jack: Not only am I your ship's captain, I am also your party captain! Woo, we're going to get it going here in just a few minutes-
Michael: And I'm your party captain too! And you are going to put on your dancing shoes later on.
Jack: Hey, Mike, Mike.
Michael: So we are gonna-
Jack: Uh, if you don't mind.
Michael: Rock it...what?
Jack: Please, okay?
Michael: If the boat's a-rocking, don't come knocking.
Jack: Michael.
Michael: Yup.
Jack: Uh, your company employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?
Michael: We're all going to have a good time tonight.
Jack: Hey, hey, listen, Mike. Why don't you let me and my crew do our job? You just sit back-
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jack: And have a good time, okay?
Michael: Okay, yup.
Jack: All right?
CUT TO ANOTHER PART OF THE SHIP
(Pam, Roy, Jim, and Katy are sharing a booth)
Katy: You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table.
(Roy laughs)
Katy: Right?
Roy: Yeah.
Katy: Pam, were you a cheerleader?
(Pam shakes her head)
Roy: No, she was total little Miss Artsy Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything.
Katy: (laughs) That's hilarious.
Jim: It's not hilarious, but...
Roy: Where'd you go to school?
Katy: Bishop O'Hara.
Roy: Piss slop who cares-a? We played you. You, you really look familiar. Did you, uh, you cheered for them, didn't you?
Jim: Mmm, no.
Katy: (looks at Jim) Yes, I did. (starts cheering) A-W-E (claps) S-O-M-E, awesome, awesome is what we are we're the football superstars.
(Pam smiles at Jim)
Katy: A-W-E
(Jim looks at Pam and shrugs)
Roy: I remember that!
(Pam smiles and raises her eyebrows to Jim and starts dancing, in a joking/mocking way to Katy's cheer)
Katy: (OS) S-O-M-E
Roy: (OS) We crushed you like 42 to 10.
CUT TO ANOTHER PART OF THE SHIP
Michael: Having fun?
Brenda: Yeah. Everybody's really nice.
Michael: Good, well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you "New Yawkers."
Brenda: When are you going to start the, uh, presentation?
Michael: Well, I already sort of started it back at the office. And on the dock with the Gilligan thing. So, right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay! Listen up, all you, Dunder Mifflinites. I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT Support.
Jack: Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! Ha, ha, that's right, partiers. It's time to limbo, limbo, limbo!
Michael: So, okay.
Jack: All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Huh, who's it going to be?
Meredith: Me.
Jack: Okay.
(Edging his way in front of Meredith)
Dwight: Me, me, me.
Jack: Uh. Usually it's a woman.
Dwight: I'm stronger.
Jack: Hey, I got an idea. How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight?
CUT TO THE BOW OF THE SHIP
(Dwight and Jack are standing in front of the helm)
Jack: Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out, I'm counting on you.
CUT TO AN INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
(Dwight is steering the ship)
Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit, and fly the plane with him. And I was four and I was great! And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
CUT BACK TO INSIDE OF THE SHIP
(Meredith is limboing)
Jack: All right, all right. That was great, now it's time for the dance contest!
(Michael grabs the microphone)
Michael: Why don't we do that after I do my presentation and-
(Jack grabs the microphone back)
Jack: Nope! Dance contest!
Michael: All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest. Hit it!
(The ship band starts playing "Get Busy" by Sean Paul)
Michael: (to camera) Yeah, okay. Dancing. It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body. (starts dancing) And communicate. (his employees look on in shame)
(Michael continues dancing in what can only be described as a monkey on fire)
(Quick cut to Michael talking to the camera)
Michael: Sometimes you have to take a break...
(Michael is dancing as though he's landing a plane)
Michael: (VO)...from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.
(Michael tries to do "the fish", but just ends up belly flopping on the floor)
(He gets up and starts "dancing" again)
(Jim is watching gape mouthed in shock and humor)
CUT TO THE BOW OF THE BOAT
Dwight: (singing)
What do you do with a drunken sailor
What do you do with a drunken sailor
What do you do with a drunken sailor
Ear-ly in the morn-ing
(The camera tilts up to show the real control room and the person who is actually steering the boat)
(Angela walks up to Dwight)
Angela: Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight: I can't. Do you want us to run aground woman?
(Angela scoffs and goes back inside)
CUT TO INSIDE
Katy and Darryl: Snorkel shot, snorkel shot! Snorkel shot, snorkel shot!
(Roy has a snorkel on that Captain Jack just poured tequila in)
Roy: Woo! Who's next? Come on, Pammy, come on, come on!
Pam: I'm not doing that.
Roy: Come on!
Darryl: Tequila! Woo! That's what I'm talking about.
Pam: (to Roy) Hey, why don't we find like, a quieter place to hang out?
Roy: You know what, I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on, Darryl, Darryl!
CUT TO THE DECK OF THE BOAT
(Pam and Jim walk out onto the deck with their coats on)
Pam: It's getting kind of rowdy down there.
Jim: Yeah. "Darryl, Darryl, Darryl."
(Pam giggles as they lean against the railing)
Pam: Sometimes, I just don't get Roy.
Jim: Well.
Pam: I mean, I don't know.
(Jim looks at Pam and gives her a half-smile)
Pam: So. What's it like dating a cheerleader?
(They both laugh)
Jim: Oh...um.
(The 27 seconds that follow can't really be described, but I'll do my best)
(Jim smiles at Pam)
(Pam smiles at Jim)
(Jim looks at Pam as if to say "she's not you")
(Pam looks back at Jim, then realizes how she's looking at him)
Pam: (apologetically) I'm cold.
(Pam makes her way back inside)
(Jim stays on the deck and leans on the railing, realizing he blew a chance)
CUT TO LATER AT THE BAR
Jack: (to Michael) So, what's this presentation all about?
Michael: (to camera) Ah, see, this is of general interest. It is about...priorities. And making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?
Jack: Women and children.
Michael: No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.
Jack: That's a stupid analogy.
Michael: O-kay, well obviously you don't know anything about leadership.
Jack: Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm.
Dwight: Wow, you should be the motivational speaker.
Michael: Him? O-kay.
Dwight: Yeah, he gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.
CUT TO ANOTHER PART OF THE SHIP
(Pam and Katy are sitting next to each other in the booth)
Katy: I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?
(Pam looks at her ring and laughs)
Pam: Um. Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So, you don't want to ask my advice.
Jack: Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save?
Jim: Um...let's see...(Jim looks in Pam's direction)...uh, the customer. 'Cause the customer is king.
Michael: Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.
Jack: He's just sucking up.
(Roy walks up and puts his arm around Captain Jack)
Roy: (slurring a bit) When you were in the Navy, did you, um, ever almost die?
(Jim starts walking away)
Jack: Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her.
(Roy lets the words sink in)
CUT TO THE OTHER PART OF THE BOAT
(Jim is walking towards Pam's booth)
Jim: (to camera) You know what, I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.
(Jim walks up to Pam, leans down to say something, and...)
Roy: (into microphone) Hey, everybody, uh, could I have your attention for just a second? Would you listen to me for a second? Um, we were up at the front and we were talking about what's really important and...Pam, um, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th?
Meredith: Woo!
(Everybody starts clapping)
Roy: Come on, let's do it.
(Jim looks as though his heart just dropped to the floor)
Roy: Come on baby!
Katy: (hugging Pam) Oh, my God, congratulations! Congratulations. Yes!
(Pam gets up, happily smiling, and walks over to Roy)
Katy: Oh, my God!
Roy: I love you baby, come on!
(Pam kisses Roy)
Somebody: Woo, Congratulations!
(Jim sits down, heartbroken and still in shock)
Michael: Come on, I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices, right? Did I motivate you?
Roy: No, it was, it was Captain Jack.
(People start clapping again)
Michael: Well....
Roy: Captain Jack!
Michael: Could have been either one of us because, pretty much, we were saying the same thing. Congratulations, that is great.
Jack: We gotta celebrate!
Pam: Woooo!
Jack: Hey, hey, hey, hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now as captain of the ship, huh?
Michael: Yes, I can marry you as Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin!
Pam: No, no, no, no, I want my mom and dad to be there.
Michael: Then, I'll give you away!
Pam: No, thank you.
CUT TO LATER
(A soft song is playing, everybody is dancing)
(Pam and Roy are dancing cozy and kissing)
(Jim is outside, watching them from the door, Katy is watching with him)
Katy: Do you think that'll ever be us?
Jim: (watching Pam) No.
Katy: What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?
Jim: I don't know. Let's break up.
Katy: Wh-what!?
CUT TO ANOTHER PART OF THE DECK
(Jack is leading a tipsy Meredith around)
Jack: This is where old Captain Jack drives the boat. (opens a door)
Meredith: Wow. (giggles)
CUT BACK TO THE INSIDE OF THE SHIP
(Dwight and Michael are sitting in a booth)
(Michael doesn't look to good)
Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the moon.
Michael: Captain Jack's a fart face.
(Michael throws up into a bag, Brenda walks up with a concerned look on her face)
Michael: I'm on medication.
Brenda: Really? What?
Michael: Vomicillin. Okay, all right, it's time to be boss. Time to motivate, let's blow some minds here. Okay guys, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody. Dunder Mifflin and Scranton employees. Brenda. I have some very, very, urgent news I need to tell everybody. Right now, listen up. The ship, is sinking.
(Kevin and Angela roll their eyes at each other)
Michael: Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that.
(Non Dunder Mifflin employees start whispering panicked to each other)
Pam: What?
Michael: Shh, please, everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake. And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboats.
(People start panicking)
Michael: Who are we going to save?
(People start taking out the life preservers)
Michael: Do we save sales? Do we save customer service?
(Kevin and Angela try to explain to the panicking people)
Michael: Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario, right?
(Somebody jumps out the window)
Jack: Come on, hey!
Michael: It's a scary...
(There is a splash heard)
Jack: What the hell's going on here?
Michael: It's a predicament.
(Meredith peeks around the corner wearing pants, a life vest, and nothing else)
Jack: Get outta here, what the-
Michael: (OS) And it's something that each and everyone of us have to think about.
CUT TO THE DECK OF THE SHIP
(Michael is restrained to the railing of the ship with plastic ties)
Michael: (to camera) I'm in the brig, see? Boat's not as corporate friendly as advertised. What is the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was- If he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet. (sighs)
CUT TO THE PARTY
(Katy is sitting in a booth, looking beyond upset)
(She glances over at Jim with look of pure hatred)
(Jim, sitting at another table, looks over at Katy, notices her death stare, gets up)
CUT BACK TO MICHAEL ON THE DECK
Michael: Somebody there?
Jim: What happened to you?
Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim: Oh, right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking?
Michael: Yeah, he just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Jim: What a night.
Michael: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Jim: She was always engaged.
Michael: Roy said the first one didn't count.
Jim: That's...great. You know, to tell you the truth, I...used to have a big thing for Pam. So.
Michael: Really? You're kidding me. Y-you and Pam? Wow. I would have never...put you two together. You really hid it well, God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. (tries to make him feel better) You know, I made out with Jan.
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim: Yeah. She's really funny and- She's warm and she's just- Anyway.
Michael: Well, if you like her so much, uh, don't give up.
Jim: She's engaged.
Michael: (scoffs) B.F.D. Engaged ain't married.
Jim: Huh.
Michael: Never, ever, ever give up.
(Jim smiles as they both look out over the lake)
Dwight: (from below) Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.
Michael: It's a fake wheel dummy. (shakes his head at Jim)
THE END
==========================
Transcribed by NIKKI
==========================