The Office [US] Transcripts
The Office: An American Workplace
2x02: SEXUAL HARASSMENT
Original Air Date (NBC): 27/SEPT/2005
Writer: B.J. Novak
Director: Ken Kwapis
Guest star: Kate Flannery (Meredith), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis) , David Koechner (Todd Packer), Melora Hardin (Jan Levinson-Gould (voice)), R.F. Daley (O'Malley), Shannon Cochran (Pam's Mom)
Transcript by Nikki
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DISCLAIMER:
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"THE OFFICE" and other related entities are owned by NBC, blah blah blah
I do not own the characters in the story (if only)
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OPENING CREDITS
INT. THE OFFICE
(Jim is sifting through papers on his desk)
(Michael comes out of his office, looks at the camera, and walks over to Jim's desk)
Michael: (clears throat) Hey, what's up?
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Any e-mails today?
Jim: (looks at computer) Umm, I don't think so.
Michael: (looks at Jim's computer too) No? Um, check your spam folder.
Jim: Oh, there it is.
Michael: What?
Jim: Um, "50 signs that your priest might be Michael Jackson"
(Michael cracks up)
Jim: Well, done. Topical.
Michael: (VO) I am king of forwards.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: It's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like "Friends". I am Chandler, and Joey. And, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight, is, Kramer.
CUT TO DWIGHT'S DESK
(Michael is standing behind Dwight looking at what ever Dwight is pointing at)
Dwight: ...so the monkey does the sex thing right...here! (all you hear are monkey squeals)
(Dwight cracks up and looks at Michael, Michael is laughing as well)
(Quick cut to Pam at her desk, she raises her eyebrows at them, but then continues on with her work)
Michael: That's funny! That's funny. (looks at camera) Not offensive. Because it's nature, educational.
Dwight: Do you want the link? 'Cause then you can forward it around.
Michael: Um, I...
Dwight: Consider it?
(Todd Packer enters in the background)
Michael: Yea... maybe. Maybe.
(Todd walks right behind Michael)
Michael: Well, we'll see. Because I-I don't know if it's a-
(Todd lifts up Michael's jacket and pulls it over his head)
Michael: Whoa! Come on, hey!
Todd: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom?
(Michael starts laughing, Todd lets go of his jacket)
Todd: (points thumbs to himself) This guy!
(Todd and Michael laugh and start giving each other low fives, high fives, and the such)
(Camera zooms in on Stanley who looks unimpressed)
Michael: (laughing) Oh, you are so bad!
(Now Todd is shooting finger pistols at Michael, Michael laughs as he tries to keep up)
Michael: (to camera) Whoa, this guy is outta control. He is a mad man. You better get the bleep button ready for him.
Todd: Bleep, bleep!
Michael: Oh!
(They start laughing again, Todd looks at Jim)
Todd: What's up Halpert? Still queer?
Michael: Uh oh!
(Todd and Michael laugh it up again as Jim stares dead pan into the camera)
(Todd starts making obscene gestures at Jim while Michael encourages him)
Michael: (VO) Todd Packer and I are total B.F.F. Best friends forever. He and I came up together as salesmen.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: One time, we were out, and we met this...set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so you know, one thing lead to another and we brought 'em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of 'em. It was awesome. (starts chuckling) It was...
CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE AREA
Michael: Oh oh oh! Oh. Okay, grade 'A' gossip, for you, right now. Randall, C.F.O., resigned, nobody knows why.
Todd: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why. You don't know? Oh, okay, check this out.
Michael: What?
(Todd makes himself comfortable on Jim's desk)
Todd: Alright, so here's the story.
Michael: Yeah?
Todd: (talks loud enough for everybody to hear) So Randall's nailing his secretary right?
(Camera zooms in on Pam who looks a little appalled)
Todd: And she's totally incompetent.
Michael: Really? Here we go. Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy one.
Todd: We're talking blond incompetent. Right?
(In the background Angela gives Todd the look of death)
Michael: Oh yeah...
Todd: Like ten words a minute, talking? (chuckles)
Michael: Well, to be fair, blondes, brunettes, you know, there are a lot of dumb people out there.
Todd: They are women. Right?
Michael: OH! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it. (starts laughing)
Todd: I said it. (laughs with gusto) And then suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.
Michael: (to camera) Oh, wow, what did I tell you about the bleep button?
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Hey, um, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? (with a fake smile and enthusiasm, points thumbs at himself) This guy! (immediately loses his smile and shows his disdain)
CUT BACK TO OFFICE AREA
Todd: Meant to ask you, uh, can you ah, think you get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?
Michael: Oh, bad boy. Um, (scans office) Ryan.
Todd: Come on kid, let's go.
Michael: Man, that Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim: (under his breath) Except pass that breathalyzer.
CUT TO PARKING LOT
(Todd and Ryan are walking to Todd's car)
(Todd blindly tosses the keys to Ryan who misses, the keys land right behind the car)
(Ryan picks the keys off the ground and gets a good look at the license plate)
(The plate reads: WLHUNG)
Ryan: You a big William Hung fan?
Todd: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?
CUT TO OFFICE
(The camera is zoomed in on a computer screen)
(Cut to Kevin looking at his computer screen, suddenly we start to hear familiar monkey screeches)
(Kevin laughs)
CUT TO KITCHEN AREA
Jim: (to Pam) I really excited to meet your mom.
Pam: You are?
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: My mom is coming in to visit. Ah, she lives, like two hours away, and she doesn't have a cell phone. Which is cool, 'cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And, I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in.
CUT BACK TO KITCHEN
Pam: (eating a chocolate bar) I decided to show her around, she really want to meet everybody.
Jim: Oh yeah?
Pam: Mm hmm.
Jim: Good. 'Cause I have a lot of questions.
Pam: Oh really?
Jim: Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?
(Pam chuckles)
CUT TO DWIGHTS DESK AREA
Michael: Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
(Toby enters from the back office)
Dwight: Yes!
Michael: (to camera) Forward like it's hot. Forward like it's hot. Old school.
Toby: Michael?
Michael: Yes, Toby?
Toby: Um, I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds.
Michael: (clears throat) Um, literally two seconds? (glances at the camera)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Toby's in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael has his feet up on his desk)
Toby: The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the company's sexual harassment policy.
Michael: No, no. Toby, no.
Toby: It's really not a big deal Michael.
Michael: It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!
Toby: And then corporate is going to send in a lawyer.
Michael: What!?
Toby: Just to refresh-
Michael: No!
Toby: ...you on our policy.
Michael: (incredulous) What? Ah, he, no. Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious e-mails or not tell jokes?
Toby: Maybe not some of them, maybe not inappropriate ones.
Michael: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke, that's why it is a joke.
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Michael comes out of his office, followed by Toby)
Michael: Everyone? Hello, everyone. Hi, uh, ,sorry to interrupt, I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insist on making right now in the middle of the day, so take it away.
Toby: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the company's sexual harassment policy, so I'll go over that later.
Michael: I wish you luck Toby, I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands, and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: A guy goes to a five dollar...lady of the night. And he gets crabs, so the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?" (laughs) This is what's at stake.
CUT TO MICHAEL IN THE ELEVATOR
(The elevator bell dings and he gets off and starts walking through the lobby)
Michael: Time to bring out the big guns. I am heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that will just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And, remind them, what is great about this place.
(Turns the corner where all the warehouse workers are sitting)
Michael: Ah, here they are. Guys, wondering if I could, ah, get your help for something. I am looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer, and it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?
Darryl: Like a joke? A knock knock joke?
Michael: Um, yeah, no, well I mean, better, better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.
Darryl: Well, those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get them, like, Queers R Us?
(The warehouse workers laugh)
Roy: Boys R Us!
Michael: Oh, oh, alright, alright, well, yeah. But you know, a joke, but not necessarily at my expense.
Darryl: Man, we can see all yo' business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide that? Good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.
(The workers all chuckle again, Michael tries to laugh with them)
Michael: Oh, okay. That was still about me. So...
Roy: Hey, hey, hey. So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad.
Michael: I don't feel bad.
Darryl: I think he feels bad.
Michael: No I don't.
Roy: You look like you feel bad.
Michael: Okaaaay. Well, not exactly what I was looking for. (starts walking away)
Roy: Because its a little package.
(The rest of the warehouse workers start taunting him)
Darryl: Look at the little package! Look at the little package.
Roy: You look good in those pants.
Darryl: ...gets it from his mama.
Michael: (looks at camera) Alright. (starts running)
Roy: Ay yi yi yi! (makes kissing noises)
(Someone makes a goat sound)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Toby is standing in front of a projection screen with the office staff listening)
Toby: So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it.
(Camera pans over to Pam who has her hand up)
Toby: (OS) Pam.
Pam: Um, I just wanted to say, that, just, my mom is coming in today.
Kevin: Mmmmilf.
(Someone snickers)
Pam: Thanks Kevin.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everybody harasses me as a joke.
CUT BACK TO MEETING
Pam: She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.
Toby: Great point.
Pam: Thank you.
Toby: Um, fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act every day, like Pam's mom is coming in.
(Everybody giggles)
Toby: Alright, that's it. If anybody has any questions about anything you know where I sit in the back.
(Everybody starts clapping and goes back to their seats)
(Michael enters, out of breath, carrying a blow up doll with underwear on)
Michael: Oy, is it over?
Toby: Ah, yes.
(Dwight points to the blow up doll with an elated, surprised expression)
Toby: I can go over it with you.
Michael: Ah, no. I know, I know, it's good. It is not over, it is not over 'till it's over. (puts the blow up doll by the couch) Did he, ah, tell you everything? (looks around) Obviously he didn't, because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit, bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously.
(Angela raises her hand)
Angela: E-mail forwards.
Michael: Exactly. (throws kisses towards her) Can we afford to lose e-mail forwards? Do we want that?
Angela: (OS) I hate them.
(Camera pans to Angela)
Angela: You send me these filthy e-mails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck.
Michael: (to Angela) Gimme a break. (to rest of staff) Um, Stanley. How about that hot picture you have by your desk?
(The camera cuts to Stanley looking confused)
Michael: Centerfold in the catholic school girl's outfit?
(Stanley turns to the picture)
Michael: (OS) I mean it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns 'em on...
(Camera zooms in on picture)
Michael: ...and I will admit that the best part of my morning is staring at it. But what, we're just going to take it away?
Stanley: (perturbed) That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girl's school.
(Cut back to Michael's "caught in the headlights" look)
Stanley: (OS) I'm taking it down right now.
(Meredith raises her hand)
Meredith: Um, what about office romance?
Toby: Office relationships are, never a good idea. So let's just try to avoid them, but um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.
Phyllis: All relationships? Uh, even a one night stand?
(Jim gives the camera a look that is in between scared/surprised/humored, then looks at Toby)
Michael: I think the old honor system was fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And believe me, I could have.
Dwight: (scoffs) Yeah, Meredith.
Michael: No, no. Kathryn, remember her? Remember how hot she was?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: She would have definitely slept with me.
Kevin: She wasn't that hot.
Michael: Yes she was. (frustrated) Dammit Kevin, come-
Toby: Okay, you know, Michael...
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um, she's nice, she's shy, she's actually here, if you want to meet her. Hold on one second. (pulls the inflatable doll next to him) Oh my God, put on a shirt! (in a low voice to the doll) Put on, I told you you'd be on camera. (to camera) I'm sorry, she's European. (starts moving the doll's head toward him) No, I told you that you'd be on camera. (starts moving the doll toward him again) Stop.
CUT BACK TO MEETING
Michael: What if Pam, was a lesbian?
(Quick cut of Pam looking startled)
Michael: What if she brought her (air quotes) partner into work? (to Toby) Would that be crossing the line?
(Jim, amused, swivels his chair to face Pam, who is looking up in disbelief)
Toby: (OS) No.
Michael: (OS) What if the made out in front of everybody?
Toby: (OS) Well that would be...
Michael: At home. And I told everybody everything about it.
(Dwight, happy, does a little fist pump with both hands)
Toby: Okay, I'm lost.
Michael: Okay, well then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl 'A'...(quick to Pam with mouth agape, looking shocked)...and girl 'B' will be...(Michael looks at his options) Okay, we'll use the doll. (grabs the doll, motions for Pam to come up front) Pam.
(Quick cut of Toby straight faced)
Michael: (more insistent) Pam.
(Cut to Pam looking absolutely terrified now)
CUT TO MONITOR
(Training video music is playing as the monitor reads "Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace")
(Cut to shot of the conference room, full of warehouse workers and Michael)
Michael: I wish Todd Packer was here, because he would love this.
(Nobody is paying attention)
Michael: I wonder if anybody else would like to join us? (gets out of his seat and heads for the door) Ooh, it's coming out of my mouth. (talking about the food in his mouth). (to office) Hey, um, we have to watch Toby's video that he's, uh, showing us in order to brain wash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Gonna be fun. Got microwave pizza. What do you say? Jim?
Jim: No thanks, I'm good.
Michael: That's what she said. (smiles) Pam?
Pam: Um, my mother's coming.
Michael: (trying to keep a straight face) That's what she sai- (clears throat) No, but, okay, well, suit yourself.
CUT TO TOBY'S DESK AREA
(Dwight comes in and sits on Toby's desk)
(The camera filming from the break room through the blinds)
Dwight: Hey Toby.
Toby: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby: Sure.
Dwight: (pauses for a while) Where is the clitoris?
(Silence, Toby doesn't know how to respond to that)
Dwight: On the website it said at the crest of the labia.
(More silence)
Dwight: What does that mean?
(Toby is speechless)
Dwight: What does the female vagina look like?
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF TOBY
Toby: Technically I am in human resources and Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um, I'm just sad the, public school system failed him so badly.
CUT BACK TO THE TOBY AND DWIGHT MEETING
Toby: You know, maybe when we get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.
Dwight: Good. Good. And-
Toby: I should get back to work.
Dwight: Okay.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(The camera is focused on the monitor which shows a guy walking down an office hallway)
Guy on Monitor: In today's fast paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action, crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves, where is, the line?
(Screen reads, "Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead")
(Michael almost chokes)
Roy: (in a jokingly suggestive voice) The natural redhead.
(Camera focuses back on the monitor)
Guy: Hey Marie?
Marie: (smiling) Hey Joe, Mike.
Mike?: Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?
(Marie overacts her stunned look, ominous 80s music plays)
Darryl: Oh ma-, stop the video! Wait, go- Stop it, stop it right there.
(Roy stops the video with the remote, Darryl gets up and goes closer to the screen)
Darryl: (pointing at monitor) That's that girl from that thing. I banged this girl right here.
Roy: That's her?
Darryl: Yes, this is, this is the one.
Roy: No! The party?
Darryl: Yes! Remember?
Michael: You banged her?
Darryl: Yes, Yes! (talking to the monitor) Right here, you are a naughty girl.
Michael: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, okay, hypocrite. She is a hypocrite. (to camera) That is such a scam. Okay. (starts toward the door)
CUT TO RECEPTION
(The door opens, Pam looks over at it excited, but it's just Jan and some guy)
Jan: (On cell phone) Yes, yes I did. Okay, well we can talk about that later then.
Alright.
(Michael comes rushing out of the conference room)
Michael: (excited) Okay, okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching, that corporate gave us, Darryl banged her! (Sees Jan)
(Jan says nothing, Pam looks a little disgusted)
Michael: (changes demeanor) And, he's about, 90% sure. (is quiet and glances at the camera)
CUT TO LATER AT RECEPTION
(Pam is working on something, hears the door, smiles and looks up)
(Todd Packer and Ryan enter)
Todd: (to Pam) Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town, we got lost for a half an hour. (leans on counter)
Pam: I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks.
(Todd doesn't hear Pam's comment, but is looking around the office)
Todd: Where's Michael snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? (chuckles) Probably. (takes off)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
Mr. O'Malley: I love lawyer jokes.
Michael: Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em. (looks at camera and snickers)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: When I said before that I was king of forwards you gotta understand that I, don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. (makes some giving gestures) You wouldn't arrest a guy that was just delivering drugs from one guy to another.
CUT BACK TO MEETING IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Jan: You seem a little bit agitated Michael. What's the problem?
Michael: The problem is that, I am the boss, and apparently I can't say anything.
Jan: Well, that's, that's...that's true in a way. You can't say, ANYthing...
Michael: Where's the line? Where's the line Jan?
Jan: Do you need to see the video again, Michael?
Michael: No, I've seen the video.
Toby: He talked the whole time.
Michael: No I didn't.
(Jan looks at Toby, then at Michael, but something above him catches her eye)
Michael: (sighs) What? (follows her line of sight)
(We see the inflatable doll on the very top of a shelf)
CUT TO OFFICE
(Michael comes out of his office followed by Jan, Toby, and Mr. O'Malley)
Michael: Attention everyone. Hello. Ah, yes, I just want you to know, that, ah, this is not my decision, but from here on out, we can no longer be friends.
(Jim gets a scheming look on his face)
Michael: And, when we talk about things here, we must only discuss, ah, work associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy.
(Dwight is the only one that looks crestfallen, Jan looks triumphant)
Michael: In the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include, "that's what she said"?
Michael: Umm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow, that is really hard.
(Michael looks at Jim)
Jim: Do you really think you can go all day long?
(Michael is trying to keep his mouth shut, Todd grins)
Jim: Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling. So...
(Todd nods at Michael)
Michael: (unable to hold it any longer) That's what she said! (laughs)
(Jan's look of triumph fades away)
Jan: Michael.
(Michael is still laughing)
Jan: Michael! (she motions for him to go back into the office)
(Jim looks at the camera and gives a little triumphant fist pump)
Jan: Michael, please!
Todd: There he is.
(Jan is pushing Michael into the office)
Jan: Please.
(Michael throws a kiss over Jan's shoulder to everybody)
(Jim is smiling)
Todd: (OS) Good one.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: You would have done the same, you just didn't think of it first.
Jan: Mic- Michael, please, I-I, really. It's not my sense of humor.
Michael: It's, that's, okay-
(A man enters the office)
Michael: Hello. Jan, Mr. O'Malley, this is my lawyer...
Jan: Your wha-
Michael: Mr. James P. Albiny. (James shakes everybody's hands) I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards? He specializes in free speech issues.
(James looks right into the camera)
James: And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.
Michael: This guy does it all.
Jan: Excuse me, I'm sorry. Michael, Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.
Michael: What?
Jan: Mr. O'Malley is our corporate lawyer. (beat) We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.
(Michael is quiet for a moment)
Michael: So I'm not in trouble?
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
(Michael is sitting with his hands folded behind his head)
Michael: I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting corporate that I forget that I am corporate. Upper management. (starts scratching eyebrow) They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.
CUT BACK TO MEETING
Michael: Okay, let's get you out of here James. (escorts James to the door) Um, I think we're under an hour still.
(Jan sighs)
James: Yeah, but I did a lot of paper work at home before I got here.
Michael: I know, I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
CUT TO LATER AT RECEPTION
(Pam is working at her computer)
(The door opens and Pam's mom walks in, Pam doesn't even look up)
Pam's Mom: Um, hello.
(Pam finally turns around)
Pam: (surprised) Oh my God!
(They both move to hug each other)
Pam's Mom: Finally made it.
Pam: Hello!
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: I love my mom. Okay, that's probably the most obvious statement ever.
CUT BACK TO RECEPTION
Pam's Mom: This is all yours?
Pam: Yeah, I'm in charge of this whole area.
Pam's Mom: Oh my goodness, that's strange.
(Michael walks out of his office carrying the inflatable doll)
(He makes a beeline to the door, Pam and her mom just watch)
(Michael tosses the doll towards the elevators and walks back to the office area)
CUT TO TODD SITTING ON A DESK
(The other office mates have gathered around him, Michael walks up)
Todd: ...so a guy goes home and tells his wife, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery." she goes, "Oh my God, that's incredible, where are we going?" He goes, "I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five." (he starts laughing)
(A few of the other workers laugh, Phyllis looks at Michael and gives him a "aren't you going to do something?" look)
(Michael looks at Todd)
Todd: (OS) Boom.
CUT BACK TO RECEPTION
(Jim is pretending to work at his desk, Pam and her mom have their backs to Jim)
Pam: This is where I used to keep my computer.
Pam's Mom: Oh, right, right, I remember, with the pictures.
Pam: Yeah, yeah, but I moved it.
(Jim turns to them, gets up, and gives the camera a quick glance)
(Jim makes his way to reception, his smile growing bigger)
Pam: Yeah, yeah, but I, uh, I switched stuff around, because I actually needed, like, more room for organization, so..
(Jim takes a jelly bean)
Pam's Mom: Sure.
(Just as Jim is about to speak, Roy walks in the door, Jim pops the jellybean in his mouth and walks back to his desk)
Pam: So this is like, um, my organization station.
(Pam's Mom sees Roy)
(Roy is dressed up in a goofy sweater and khakis, his hair is a slicked back)
Pam's Mom: Oh, there he is. (hugs Roy)
Pam: (happy) Hey.
Roy: How are you?
(Jim gives the camera a quick glance before he sits back down)
Pam's Mom: Hi handsome.
Roy: You look great.
(Jim glances at reception and continues his fake work, all the while listening)
Pam's Mom: Oh, thank you. So, we ready for dinner?
Pam: Well, you know, actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time.
(Pam's Mom and Roy laugh)
Pam's Mom: Oh, I don't believe that.
Roy: Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot, and, uh, what kind of tunes you want for the ride? A little classical? A little oldies? (does a little dance)
(Pam and her mom giggle)
Pam's Mom: Oh, anything is fine.
Roy: Alright, well, see ya.
(Pam's Mom waits till Roy's gone, then turns to Pam)
Pam's Mom: (whispering) So, which one is Jim?
Pam: (embarrassed)(whispering) Mom! (looks in Jim's direction)
(Jim, who is listening, but pretending to work, gives a little grin)
Pam's Mom: (giggles)(whispering) Just wanted to know.
Pam: (whispering) No, it's...
Pam's Mom: Alright, okay.
Pam: Ten minutes, then we can go to dinner.
Pam's Mom: Okay, I'll make myself busy.
(Jim can't stop his growing grin now)
CUT BACK TO TODD PACKER
Todd: There's this guy, he's at a nymphomaniac convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smoking hot, perfect tens, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, um, (points to Phyllis)
Kevin: Phyllis?
Todd: Yeah.
(Phyllis, looks down, sad)
Michael: No, no, no. That crosses the line.
Todd: (threateningly) Ex-squeeze me?
Michael: (scared) Not you. (looks around) Kevin. Just, unwarranted. Hostile work environment Kevin.
Kevin: Well Packer said it.
Michael: No, you said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look, Kevin, we are a family here. And Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I'm the same age as you Michael.
Michael: I don't know about that.
Phyllis: We're the same high school class.
Michael: Well, I have a late birthday, and usually September is the cut off point- (getting back on topic) You know what, you just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line, and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.
Kevin: You mean where my desk is?
Michael: Yes, your corner, go.
Kevin: Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway. (Kevin walks to his desk)
Michael: Um hmm.
Todd: Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they?
Michael: They didn't get to me. I got to them.
(Meredith and Ryan look at Michael unconvinced)
Michael: I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis.
(Phyllis, still looking down, now looks confused)
Michael: You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. (Kneels down next to Phyllis and puts his arms around her) I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person.
(Phyllis smiles)
Michael: (teasing) Come here, give me a kiss.
(Phyllis starts laughing)
Michael: Come on. (pecks Phyllis on the cheek) Oh!
Phyllis: (smiling) Michael, you don't have to worry, I'm not going to any, to HR.
Michael: I'm not worried. You know what? The only thing I am worried about...is getting a boner.
(Phyllis gives Michael a scared/confused look)
(Everybody is silent)
Michael: (gets up) Good work today everybody. (walks back to office, satisfied)
(Phyllis looks genuinely creeped out)
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with, Pam. As much as I might want to.
CUT TO INDIVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: He said what?!
THE END
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Transcribed by NIKKI
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