South Park Transcripts
South Park
1X04: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
ORIGINAL AIR DATE: 9/3/1997
Bus Stop
Kyle: Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice.
Stan: Hiya Sparky
Kyle: Who's that?
Stan: That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop
Kyle: Wow! Cool!
Stan: Good dog Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's the boy? Who's the buddy?
Cartman: Eh. You're making me sick dude
Stan: He's part doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain
Cartman: Noo way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park
Sylvester: Arrrrrr
Stan: He's not meaner than Sparky
Cartman: Oh yeh, let's see. Hey, Sylvester
Stan: Sparky'll kick his ass
Cartman: I'll put a dollar on Sylvester
Kyle: You're on dude
Sylvester, Sparky: Arrrrrr
Stan: That's it Sparky, kick his ass
Sylvester, Sparky: Arrrrrr
Sparky starts panting
Sylvester starts whimpering
Cartman: Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's
definitely doing something to his ass
Stan: Sparky, bad dog!
Kenny: Oh my god I think they're screwing
Stan: What?!?
Cartman: Yeh dude, I think your dog is gay
Stan: What do you mean?
Cartman: That dog is a gay homosexual
Stan: He's just confused
Kyle: I think the other dog's the one that's confused
Kenny: Mrmph
Stan: Sick, shut up dude
Cartman: SingingStan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo
Bus Arrives
Football Field
Chef: Ok children, I know that you're all extremely excited, nervous, and anxious
about the homecoming game against da Middlepark
Kyle: Who's Middlepark?
Cartman: What's homecoming?
Chef: But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a
really beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all
the trying worthwhile
Silence
Chef: Now, let's start practice
Whistle
Pip: Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
Chef: Yes Pip, what is it?
Pip: Well, I still don't have a helmet
Chef: I know Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody
Pip: Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it
always have to be me?
Chef: Yes Pip, I'm afraid it does
Pip: Oh
Chef: Sorry son, now get your ass in there
On the playing field
Stan: Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut--hut.hut.hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut
Chef: Hike the damn ball
Cartman Hikes the ball over Stan's head
Cartman: Eh
Stan gives the ball chase
Kyle runs into Pip's head, opening a major gash
On sideline
Jimbo: Hey, how's practice coming there Chef?
Chef: Huh, oh, fine
Jimbo: I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park
Alumni
Chef: Elementary school alumni?
Jimbo: That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread
against Middlepark this year?
Chef: I don't know. Wha, what's the spread?
Jimbo: Middlepark by 70 points
Chef: Hmmm
On playing field
Cartman runs into Kenny, fumbling the football
On sideline
Chef: I don't think we have a chance
Jimbo: Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. Right Stanley?
On playing field
Stan looks towards sideline as ball is snapped
Cartman: Eh
Stan: Huh?
Ball snaps Stan in the head
Stan picks up ball and throws it to Kyle
On sideline
Jimbo: Thatta boy
Chef: Great pass Stan
Jimbo: Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the booky
On sideline after practice
Chef: Ok. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow
Kyle: Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?
Stan: Yeh, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart
Kid: Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time
Stan: Yeh, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your-
Dog whimpering and panting
Stan: Sparky, get down!
Kid: Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?
Cartman: There he goes again
Stan: Get down Sparky! Down!
Cartman: Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual
Kid: Make him stop!
Rex runs away with tail between legs
Rex: Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!
Laughter
Bully1: I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay
Bully2: Yeh, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan
Bully1: Gay dog
Laugher
Sparky walks up panting
Mr. Garrison's Classroom
Cartman: And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on
television
Mr. Garrison: Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian
cultures. You get a D minus
Cartman: Ah, damnit
Mr. Garrison: Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, good idea. Ok Stanley, you're next
Stan: Um, I'm not really prepared either
Mr. Garrison: Well, just make something up, like Eric did
Stan: Ok, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must
end it-
Mr. Garrison: Excellent. A minus
Cartman: Eh!
Stan: Wow, cool!
Cartman: Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an A minus
Mr. Garrison: Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middlepark
cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star atheletes better cause
they're better people
Cartman: That's not fair!
Mr. Hat: Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it
Cartman: Stupid puppet
Bell rings
Mr. Garrison: Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for
everybody but Stan
Stan: Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?
Mr. Garrison: Well of course Stanley, what is it?
Stan: What's a - homosexual?
Mr. Garrison: Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down
Stan sits
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, gay people...well, gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold
black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine. But rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and
clots
in their pea sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque patterns
of violent behavior. Do you understand?
Stan: I guess
Mr. Garrison: Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk Stanley. Now you go outside and
practice football like a good little heterosexual
Coming off the bus
Cartman: You guys see me block that defense today, I was kicking ass
Kyle: You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the cowboys
Cartman: Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog
Stan: Shut up dude!
Sparky comes up panting with pink scarf on
Stan: Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?
Sparky: Bark, bark
Cartman: Man, that is the gayest dog I've ever seen
Stan: He just needs some training, that's all
Stan: Sit Sparky
Sparky sits
Stan: Good boy, now shake
Sparky shakes
Stan: Goood boy. Now, don't be gay. Don't be gay Spark. Don't be gay
Sparky looks at Stan with confusion
Sparky: Grrh
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: I don't know
Cartman: He still looks pretty gay to me
Bully1: Huh, huh
Bully2: Hey Stan, your dog been to any pride marches lately?
Bully1: Huh huh, yeh, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert
Laughter
Bully1: Stupid little gay dog
Bully2: Gay dog
Stan: Come on you guys, I have an idea
Ned and Jimbo enter Sports Book $
Jimbo: I want 500 dollars on the South Park Cows
Booky: Are you crazy?
Jimbo: No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback
the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread
Gambler1: I want to put all my money on the cows
Gambler2: Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the cows too
Gambler3: Hey, I want to put some money on the cows too
Gambler4: I got 500 on the cows
Gambler5: Well, I'll put money on the cows
Jimbo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now, Iiii
Gambler6: You better be right about this Jimbo
Jimbo: Hehe, yeh. Don't, don't worry yourself
Ned: Are you sure Stan is that good?
Jimbo: Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see
here. Hey bookie! Wha, what's the halftime show gonna be?
Booky: You haven't heard! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing
'Loving You'
Ned: I love that song
Jimbo: Loving You'. That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middlepark's gonna get a Halftime
show they'll never forget
Cut to commercial
In front of Stan's house
There's a large crate sitting next to the kids
Stan: Ok Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't..
Stan notices pink scarf on Sparky
Stan: Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!?
Stan tears scarf off of Sparky
Stan: No pink bandanas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky,
Stan opens crate
Stan: this is Fifi
Kyle: Oolala
Fifi sniffs some
Sparky goes after Fifi
Cartman: There he goes
Stan: Atta boy Spark, get her
Sparky jumps on Fifi
Stan: Yes!
Sparky throws Fifi's collar into the air, catching it on his neck
Stan: Ah crap! Now what do I do?
Kyle: Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad
Cartman: No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote
those sodomies in France
Kenny: Mrmmph
Stan: I know, Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't
seem evil
Kyle: Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else
Stan: Like who?
Inside Stan's house
Jesus and Pal's title screen is on TV
TV Announcer: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access
Jesus: Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children
Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions
Jesus: Hello caller, you're on the air
Beep
Robert: Yeh, is, is this Jesus?
Jesus: Yes my son
Robert: This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on
my ex-wife
Jesus: Of course Robert. How are things now?
Robert: Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since. I
just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that
was really nice of you
Jesus: Blessed art though Robert. Next caller, you're on the air
Beep
Stan: Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a, he's a homosexual
Jesus: My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is
So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see..
TV Announcer: That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's
Movie Reviews
Stan: Damn it!
Kyle: What'd he say?
Stan: I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews
Cartman: Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kiick ass!
Stan: Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?
Kyle: Come on dude, we have to get to practice
Stan: No, it's not ok! I don't want a gay dog! I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin!
Outside
Sparky: Arf
Sparky dig's a hole under the fence
Sparky runs away
On the sideline at practice
Chef: Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football
like you hold your lover
Music Starts
Chef: Gently...yet firmly. You gonna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time
Oh yeh, just like you're givin' sweet love to the football. Nnnaughty with the
football. Mmmm
Kyle: Uh, Chef?
Chef: Spank it, ever so gently
Kyle: Chef?
Chef: Spank it
Kyle: Chef!
Chef: Oh, uhhh, sorry children. Uhh, let's run some plays
Pip: Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
Chef: No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you
Pip: Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes
without?
Chef: That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?
Pip: No I, I guess not
Carl's Bombs and Explosives and Accessories
Jimbo: What we want to do here Carl is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off
at a specific moment during halftime
Carl: What moment would that be?
Jimbo: Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime
We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F
Carl: What high F?
Jimbo: You know, singing, badly Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-
doo-nn-doo-doo...Ahhhhh
Carl: Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo
Jimbo: No, damnit! The Ahhhhh
Carl: Ahhhhhh
Ned: Ahhhhhh
Jimbo: Ahhhhhh
Carl: Ahhhhhh
Jimbo: Great, we..
Carl: Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Ahhh
Ned: Doo-nn-doo-doo
Jimbo: You got it..
Carl: Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo..
Ned: ahh - dooo
Jimbo: Ahhhhhh
Carl: Alright, yeh, ok..
On the sideline at practice
Chef: What's the matter Stan, you seem down
Stan: I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay
Chef: Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda
Chef: Say what?!? You of all people should be sympathetic
Mr. Garrison: What do you mean?
Chef: Well, you're gay aren't you?
Mr. Garrison: What?!? What the hell are you talking about?!? I am not gay
Chef: Well, you sure do act like it
Mr. Garrison: I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass
Chef looks puzzlingly, but wonderingly
On the field
Kyle: What's the matter dude?
Stan: I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice
Cartman: Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants
Stan punches Cartman
Cartman: Ow!
Snowy mountains
Sparky is trekking throught the snow
Sparky comes to Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary
Big Gay Al: Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al
Sparky looks at him
Big Gay Al: Have you been outcast?
Sparky pants an affirmative
Big Gay Al: Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big
gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?
Sparky pants an affirmative
Big Gay Al: Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here
Bus Stop
Stan: Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back
Kyle: Wow, it's been like two days
Stan: I think he might've run away
Cartman: Did you check the shopping m...
Stan punches Cartman
Cartman: Ow!
Kyle: We'll help you look for him after the game Stan
Stan: I'm not playing
Kyle: You what!?!
Stan: I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog
Middlepark School
Jimbo: WhisperCome on Ned, and keep quiet
Ned: Louder than JimboOk
In front of Middlepark's Mascot, Enrique
Jimbo: Hello there Enrique
Ned: What are we doing here?
Jimbo: Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middlepark's mascot. But this year we're
gonna booby-trap it instead
Jimbo puts bomb on Enrique's back
Jimbo: And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in 'Loving You', Boom!
Enrique gets wide-eyed
Jimbo: No more Middlepark players
Ned: Hahahahaha
Jimbo laughs
Jimbo: God damn, I love football!
Stormy mountains
Stan: Sparky! Where are you?!? Where could he be?
South Park Elementary
Middlepark players exit bus
South Park Football Field
A lot of Cows! fanfare, even Ike is wearing a shirt and bouncing about
Frank Hammond: Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900,
Welcome to tonight's matchup between the Middle Park Cowboys and the
South Park Cows
Frank Hammond: Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This
is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up
Chef: Ohhh, come on Stan
Pip: Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stan doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?
Chef: No Pip, I'm sorry!
Stormy mountains
Stan: Sparky! Sparky!
Cut to Commercial
South Park Football Field
Referee: Play ball
Chef: You're gonna have to quarterback Kyle
Kyle: But I never practiced quarterback
Chef: It's a little late for the bull crap now
Frank: Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broslofski
Mr. Garrison: Hey, hey, where is little Stanley?
Mr. Hat: Yeh, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?
Jimbo: Ned, look. They've got Enrique on their sideline, and it looks like that bomb's
still attached
Ned: Yeah
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary
Big Gay Al: Hi little fella, how are you doing today?
Stan: Fine, how are you?
Big Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking
Stan: My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he came here
Big Gay Al: Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm
Stan goes into Big Gay Al's
Stan: Do you have lots of gay dogs here?
Big Gay Al: We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a
gay lion
Gay Lion: Rooaar
Big Gay Al: And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay
gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!
Stan: Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy
Big Gay Al: Of course they are silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really
be themselves. Would you like to dance?
On the Dance Floor
Cheesy disco like music plays
Vocalist: SingingOww, we can all be gay!
In the huddle
Stan: Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it or
something. Ready?!?
Huddle: Break!
At the line of scrimmage
Cowboy 1: You guys are toast
Cowboy 2: Yeh, we're gonna pound your heads in
Cartman: We'll just see about that
Kyle: Set, set
Cartman farts long and nasty
Kyle: Damn it Cartman!
Kyle runs back from Cartman's gas
Chef: What's the matter?
Kyle: Cartman farted!
Cartman: No I didn't. That was just my shoes
Chef: Come on Cows, we'll get a delay of game penalty
Kyle: No way dude!
Chef: Hike the ball
Kyle approaches Cartman with his shirt covering his nose
Kyle: Ah, dude, weak
Cartman: That's right, you get back there
Kyle: Hut
Kyle takes the snap
Frank: The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes
Screaming as Kyle is mobbed by the Middle Park blitz
Frank: Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball...they run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The
score is seven-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter
Jimbo: Hell's bells
Frank: Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King
Phil covers the mic
Phil: Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again
Frank: Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that
Townsman 1: We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry
Jimbo
Jimbo: Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe
Big Gay Al's dance floor
Vocalist: Funkay, funkay
Stan is gettin' down with a monkey
Stan sees Sparky
Stan: Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?
Sparky: Ruff
Stan: I missed you old pal, you really had me scared
Sparky: Barr
Stan: Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game
Sparky follows Stan
Stan: We can work on making you not gay together
Sparky stops
Stan: Sparky?
Big Gay Al: Young man, it appears you still don't understand
Stan: What don't I understand?
Big Gay Al: Come this way, I have to show you something
South Park Football Field
Frank: With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52,
South Park Cows 0
Kyle: Hut, hut
Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle
Cowboys blitz
Kyle flips ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet
Pip is dogpiled by what could be the entire Cowboys team
Frank: Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant
Phil: Dude! Now that is not cool
Frank: Sorry, sorry
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Big Gay Al: Ok Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride
Stan looks at boat
Big Gay Al: Step aboard Stanley
Stan gets on board, with Sparky
Big Gay Al: Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure
we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time
South Park Football Field
Frank: And the South Park Cows are set to receive..
Cowboys kick off
Frank: There's the kick
Kenny takes the kick
Frank: It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick
Kenny weaves through the special teams
Frank: He's at the 50, the 40, the 30
Cowboys: Hold him, hold him!
Two Cowboys take hold of Kenny's arms
Cowboys: Hold him, hold him!
Cowboy: Yahhh!
A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever
Kenny's arms
Frank: The running back is down. I think he's..
Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse
Frank: Yes, he's been decaptitated
Kyle: Huh! Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards!
Phil: That's gotta hurt Frank
Frank: Ouch-a-roo
Chef: Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape him off the field
Frank: Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even going to beat the 72 point spread
Not by a long shot
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Big Gay Al: You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian
pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan
A shot of Hitler, a priest and a suit beating up a gay guy
Big Gay Al: Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and republicans and nazis, oh
my!
Big Gay Al fires off a shot with his revolver
Big Gay Al: Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Ok, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here
and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely
Doors open to reveal a scene right out of 'It's a Small World'
Small World
Singers: We're all gay, and it's ok, 'cause gay means happy and happy means gay
We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door. It's ok, hey, to be
gay!
Big Gay Al: Sooo, what do you think Stan?
Stan: This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark, I just didn't understand
Big Gay Al: Isn't this precious?
South Park Football Field
Frank: And now, here to sing the touching song, 'Loving You' is the one and only,
John Stamos' brother..
Jimbo: Alright Richard!
Music Starts
Richard: Singing Loving you, is easy cause you're beautiful - doo-n-doo--doo-doooo--
Ahhhh
Music Stops
Richard: Ahhhh
Jimbo: What the hell?!?
Richard: Ahhhh
Jimbo: He didn't sing the high F
Richard continues to Ahhhh, badly
Mr. Garrison: Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this
Jimbo: Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked
Richard: Lalalala
Mr. Garrison: It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!
Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary
Stan: Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!
Sparky: Ruff!
Big Gay Al: No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese
sandwiches?
Stan: No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy!
Stan and Sparky start to walk off
Big Gay Al: Oh Stan?
Stan and Sparky stop
Big Gay Al: When you get back to town, tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are
gay animals here who need homes, desperately
Stan: I will Big Gay Al, I will
Stan and Sparky start to walk off
Big Gay Al: Ooh, my carrot cake!
South Park Football Field
Kyle: Hike!
Sounds of football war, as the Cowboys continue to tear apart the cows
Frank: And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I
haven't seen so many children since..
Mr. Garrison: I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing Jimbo
Townsman 1: Yeh, we all put our life savings in this game
Townsman 2: You're a dead man Jimbo
An assortment of food products are thrown at Jimbo
Frank: Well, this should just about wrap it up for...
Stan and Sparky come on to the field
Frank: Wait a minute, what's this?
Crowd: Yeah!!!
Frank: It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!
Chef: Where the hell have you been Stan?!?
Stan: I've been getting my best friend back
Chef: Just get in there boy!
Jimbo: Give 'em hell Stanley!
Stan gets in at quarterback
Jimbo: Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score
Please? Please, Jesus?
Jesus: Leave me alone
Stan: Hike
Frank: Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass
Kyle: Hey Stan, I'm open, I think
Stan: Ehh
Frank: And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid
Kyle runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail
Frank: Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!
Phil: Dude!
Random screaming sounds as the Cowboys fail to keep Kyle from scoring
Frank: Touchdown!
Jimbo: Yeh!
Mr. Garrison: Wooo!
Frank: The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park
Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!
Jimbo: Yeh! Woohoo!
Stan gets on stage by scoreboard
Townsman: Speech!
Frank: Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?
Stan: It's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys
Crowd: Yeah, alright!
Stan: And maybe we can beat 'em even more next year!
Crowd: Woooo
Stan: And it's ok to be gay!
Silence
Jimbo: What?!?
Stan: Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is he talking about?!?
Frank: Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole
time?
Stan: I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal
Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the
wonders of gaiety
Crowd looks at Stan in disbelief
Stan: It's true, I'll show you
Where Big Gay Al's is supposed to be, on the mountain
Stan: But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was a techno dance club
Cartman: Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about
you man
Townswoman: Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago
Townsperson 1: Sidney!
Townsperson 2: Whinny!
Townsperson 3: Carlos!
Stan sees Big Gay Al
Big Gay Al: I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here
Stan: Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?
Big Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done
Big Gay Al climbs into his suitcase
Big Gay Al: Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you
Stan: Wow!
Big Gay Al's suitcase flys off
Richard: You guys, you guys! I can do it
Mr. Garrison: Do what?
Richard: Loving you is easy cause your beautiful, doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo
Jimbo: No!
Richard: Ahhh
Enrique: Mroo
Bomb: Boom !
The End.