Coupling [UK] Transcripts
COUPLING [UK]
1X04: Inferno
Original Airdate: 6/2/2000
Written by: Steven Moffat
Directed by: Martin Dennis
Steve walks in to his flat, he hears a Hoover. He goes in to his living room and sees Susan there Hovering
SUSAN: I got here early.
STEVE: Right.
SUSAN: I thought I'd tidy up a bit.
Cut to bar, Jeff, Steve and Patrick are there.
STEVE: She was tiding up my flat.
JEFF: Serious very.
STEVE: Buttock clenching moment.
PATRICK: Excellent.
STEVE: What?
PATRICK: Well, was she bending over or something?
STEVE: No. I clenched my own buttocks Patrick.
PATRICK: No offence but that's a pretty basic mistake.
STEVE: No I mean I experienced fear, I puckered.
PATRICK: You... puckered.
STEVE: In a moment of consuming terror my rear iris closed.
PATRICK: What?
JEFF: OK Patrick imagine this. Some woman that you know, your mother, sister, your girlfriend, is even now without an advanced warning tiding up your flat.
PATRICK: Yeah probably.
STEVE: No, no really tiding,
JEFF: Thoroughly.
STEVE: Under your bed.
JEFF: Back of that high shelf in your wardrobe.
STEVE: Among your video collection.
PATRICK: Oh that iris.
JEFF: New haircut?
PATRICK: Yeah, I got a lot of big meetings coming up. I wanted the hard-man look.
STEVE: Isn't it a bit erm...
PATRICK: What?
JEFF: Gay.
PATRICK: This is not a gay cut; this is a hard-man cut.
Cut to the Wine Bar. Sally, Jane and Susan are sat round the table.
SALLY: What came over you?
SUSAN: I dunno I just suddenly had this impulse to tidy his flat. It was scary.
JANE: Maybe tiding is true love.
SALLY: Nah oral sex.
SUSAN: Yeah when you're still doing it without preconditions.
JANE: You do oral sex without preconditions.
SUSAN: Sure.
JANE: Well how do you get anything done around the house?
SUSAN: You get a man in.
JANE: Oh I think I've always misunderstood that phrase.
Cut to Steve's bedroom. Steve is frantically searching, Susan walks in.
SUSAN: Look I hope you don't mind. I'm taping something on you VCR.
STEVE: Fine no problem.
SUSAN: Don't worry I found a blank tape.
STEVE: Where?
SUSAN: What?
STEVE: Where did you look for the tape?
SUSAN: It was by the telly, on the floor.
STEVE: Right. Great.
SUSAN: Oh there was a tape in the machine but I thought you'd want to keep it.
Cut back to bar with the three blokes.
PATRICK: Did you know which tape?
STEVE: I don't take notes Patrick. I don't know which tape is in the machine at any given moment.
PATRICK: But did you know if it's one of those tapes.
STEVE: I couldn't remember. I don't keep a self-abuse log.
JEFF: Neither do I.
STEVE: What specifically did you tell your hairdresser? .
PATRICK: I said I wanted a hard-man.
Cut to the wine bar where the girls are.
SALLY: You interfered with a man's VCR.
JANE: You never know what you're going to find.
SUSAN: I found it.
Cut to Steve's flat in the living room. We see a video tape.
Cut back to the bar with the blokes.
JEFF: Well?
PATRICK: Porn?
STEVE: Yes.
JEFF: Which one. Not Inferno...
STEVE: Inferno.
JEFF: Oh my god.
PATRICK: No problem.
STEVE: What?
PATRICK: Well as long as she hasn't watched any of it you can't tell anything from a title like Inferno.
STEVE: Patrick, erm... Inferno isn't the full title.
PATRICK: Well how bad can it be?
Cut to the wine-bar with the girls.
SALLY: Lesbian spank inferno.
Cut back to the bar with the blokes.
STEVE: Thing is though I don't know if she's seen the title on the label, so how am I supposed to play it? I mean does she now think I'm some sort of masturbating pervert.
JEFF: You are.
PATRICK: We all are.
STEVE: True.
Cut back to Steve's flat. In the living room.
STEVE: So how are you?
SUSAN: Fine. How are you?
STEVE: Great. How are you?
SUSAN: You've already asked.
STEVE: What?
SUSAN: You've just asked me how I am twice.
STEVE: Well I... I love you.
Cut to wine bar with the girls.
SUSAN: Y'see I don't know if he knows if I've seen the tape.
JANE: He said he loved you.
SUSAN: It's what men do if there's a gab in the conversation. They hate silence, it makes them feel guilty. Pause for a second and they ask you what's wrong. Two seconds and they ask you if you've got your period. Three seconds and they love you.
JANE: I went out with him for five years. He never said he loved me.
SUSAN: It's easy if that's what you want, you've just got to ride the pause. Trust me most marriage proposals are the results of a longer than average silence.
JANE: I can't believe he said he loved you. You haven't even been going out for two months.
Cut to the bar with the blokes.
PATRICK: I can't believe you told her you loved her. She wasn't even naked.
STEVE: That's not the point. I don't know if she's seen the tape, I still don't know. If she's seen it what does she think?
PATRICK: What are you worried she might think you're a lesbian?
JEFF: Wouldn't that be great.
PATRICK: What.
JEFF: Being a lesbian all the advantages of being a man with less embarrassing genitals plus every time you have sex there's four breasts. Two guest breasts and two you can take home afterwards, oh it's bloody brilliant.
PATRICK: I like films with lesbians in them; it's nice to think there are attractive women out there who can't find a boyfriend.
STEVE: No Patrick, they're lesbians.
PATRICK: Yeah that's what I said.
STEVE: You have the sexual politics of a Viking attack.
PATRICK: Wait, wait your saying I can't convert lesbians. I could convert lesbians
JEFF: I bet Patrick could pull lesbians.
PATRICK: Thank you.
JEFF: He'd confuse them with his haircut.
Cut to wine bar with the girls.
SALLY: So then what happened?
SUSAN: Few more conversation gabs so I did the girly thing.
Cut to Steve's flat, this time in the kitchen.
SUSAN: Y'know we should have a dinner party.
STEVE: Fine.
SUSAN: But not the usual crowd lets get some new people in.
STEVE: Good idea.
Cut back to wine bar.
SUSAN: So you'll both come, yeah?
SALLY: Of course.
JANE: Love to.
Cut to bar.
STEVE: Oh yeah. Do you guys want to come for dinner?
JEFF: Absolutely.
PATRICK: Sure.
STEVE: Nice.
Cut to Jane's counsellor's office.
JANE: Five years, I went out with that man and it's not that I want him back or anything it's just he never once told me he loved me he goes out with this new woman and he's in love with her straight away. How does that look to people? I'm sure there's been staring.
JILL: Two points. One we agreed two months ago to end your therapy as it was going nowhere remember?
JANE: I thought that was an exercise to help me cope with rejection.
JILL: No that was rejection.
JANE: Don't say that.
JILL: You can't just barge in here any time you like and talk about yourself for twenty solid minutes. I'm meant to be talking to Mr and Mrs Tyler about their marital difficulties
JANE: Who?
We see an older couple
Jane and Jill leave her office and go in to a hallway.
JILL: I think it would be best if you look for treatment elsewhere.
JANE: But I've got this dinner party to go to and they'll both be there. I'm not sure I can cope without help.
JILL: Someone else's help.
JANE: Oh that's good isn't it 'cause if you like animals...
JILL: This is evasion Jane; I know about that it's in all the manuals.
JANE: Evasion you say. That's interesting.
JILL: Jane!
JANE: Is this personal.
JILL: No of course it isn't personal.
JANE: Because if it isn't personal we can be friends. I just need some friendly help about this dinner party.
JILL: This is as usual about your fear of rejection and as usual you are trying to manipulate me by emphasising your vulnerability, it's what we call passive aggressive and it doesn't work on me because I'm a professional.
Cut to Steve's flat. Steve opens door to reveal Jane and Jill.
JANE: Hi Steve, this is my friend Jill.
JILL: Hi.
Steve enters kitchen. Susan is cooking and Jeff is playing a video game.
STEVE: Jane brought someone
SUSAN: I didn't say to bring people. Did you?
STEVE: Well you know Jane.
SUSAN: Well why did she have to bring a date?
STEVE: It's a woman.
SUSAN: You mean it's not a date.
STEVE: Well Jane swings both ways. Could be a date. Probably is...
Susan and STEVE: (to Jeff) Playstation.
JEFF: So a lesbo couple, eh?
SUSAN: And it might be better if you kill Jeff, less embarrassing all round.
STEVE: Yep. (To Jeff) This is real life not your sordid little lesbian fantasy.
SUSAN: And you'd better hide your videos.
STEVE: (stutters) I'll get the drinks.
Steve goes in to living room where Jill in wondering around.
STEVE: Hi.
JILL: Hi. Jane's in the loo.
STEVE: Right. Good. So your Jane's... friend.
JILL: Well if friend is the right word.
STEVE: Yes.
JILL: You realise I'm Jane's...
STEVE: Yes, yes.
JILL: So she's mentioned me then? Interesting.
STEVE: Not you specifically but we assumed she was seeing someone.
JILL: Well you would assume that with Jane, wouldn't you?
STEVE: She's very attractive.
JILL: It must be very embarrassing for you being her ex; obviously we've talked about you.
STEVE: Obviously.
JILL: Nothing bad don't worry.
STEVE: So how long have you two been...
JILL: Having sessions? Are you alright?
STEVE: Fine, fine. That was blunt but that's good.
JILL: I tried to break it off with her a while back but you know how it is with Jane.
STEVE: Oh yes.
JILL: She comes once a week, whether I want her to or not.
STEVE: Really?
JILL: She's unstoppable.
STEVE: How does that work exactly?
JILL: Once a week doesn't matter what I do.
STEVE: That's quite unusual isn't it?
JILL: Did she do the same sort of thing with you when you were going out?
STEVE: Not on a strictly weekly basis no.
JILL: I'm sorry I'm not making you nervous am I?
STEVE: Oh no, no, no.
JILL: Because sometimes what I do makes people nervous in a social context. Particularly men.
STEVE: Well speaking as a man I think you two have the right idea; you've got the best of both worlds.
JILL: What do you mean?
STEVE: Well y'know...
JILL: No I don't.
STEVE: Well erm, you've got four breasts...
JILL: I'm sorry?
STEVE: No, no hang on.
JILL: This blouse isn't particularly flattering actually...
STEVE: No, no.
JILL: If nothing else.
STEVE: I'm not saying you've got four at the moment just when you're...
JILL: What?
STEVE: Excited.
JILL: You think I develop extra breasts when I'm excited?
STEVE: Not so much develop as, you know... acquire.
JILL: What in the name of god are you on about?
STEVE: Sorry, sorry I've been totalled sidetracked by the irrelevancy of your breasts. Not that you have irrelevant breasts. You've only got two that's for sure unless you were some type of cow, no, no a very attractive cow a prize winning cow but your not a cow. You're a person, but I'm sure that you'd be a prize winning person if they had a sort of cattle market for women. Erm a women market which thinking about it would be a bad thing in many ways...
Jane enters.
JANE: Hello Steve. How are you?
STEVE: Fine. Great. Absolutely.
JANE: Could you remind lovely Susan that Jill and I are vegetarians.
STEVE: You're what?
JILL: You're not a vegetarian.
JANE: I'm Bi-Vegetarian.
JILL: What? That doesn't exist. It's not possible.
JANE: No I'm an emotional vegetarian Jill. I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films. Do you have a problem with that?
JILL: You could never finish your greens and could suck a pig through a straw.
JANE: I'm not exclusively vegetarian Jill if that's what you're saying. Vegetarianism to me is about saying yes to things, even meat.
JILL: No it isn't.
STEVE: Look, I'll tell Susan about the vegetable thing.
Steve leaves the room.
JANE: Ooh we are being Miss Judgemental this evening.
JILL: How did I ever let you talk me in to this?
JANE: I explained how we're friends now remember?
JILL: Vividly.
Cut to kitchen.
Susan is stood looking at Jeff who is playing Playstation. Steve enters.
STEVE: They're vegetarians is that ok? And they're fighting. I didn't know they did that.
SUSAN: Well let's hope it doesn't get out of hand, we don't want it too develop into a vegetarian spank inferno. So you were discussing your little habit with your little friend where you?
STEVE: Thanks Jeff. Is something wrong?
SUSAN: Apparently.
STEVE: You always say "apparently" when you're really angry about something.
SUSAN: Well there's a useful clue .
STEVE: Is this about the tape? You've known about the tape for a week.
SUSAN: Everyone's known about the tape, apparently.
Doorbell rings.
JEFF: I'll get that.
Jeff leaves room.
STEVE: Does Jeff knowing make a difference?
SUSAN: Let's put it this way - I pride myself with my cooking...
STEVE: Sorry.
SUSAN: So if you feel the need to nip out for a sandwich between courses, I'd be obliged if you didn't advertise the fact.
STEVE: Right .
SUSAN: Does anybody other than Jeff know?
STEVE: No, no absolutely not. No one.
Jeff comes back in with Patrick and Sally
JEFF: Jane's just arrived with her female girlfriend.
SALLY: Girlfriend?
PATRICK: (to Steve): Better hide your videos.
SUSAN: Oh for Christ sake.
Susan walks out .
STEVE: Oh thanks Patrick...
Steve follows her.
PATRICK: What did I do?
SALLY: You just told Susan you know about the tape.
Steve comes back in .
STEVE: Susan told you about the tape?
Susan reappears.
SUSAN: Thanks Sally.
Susan leaves again.
STEVE: Susan...
Steve goes after her.
Back in to Steve's living room.
JILL: A vegetarian is someone who does not eat meat you insane bitch!
JANE: I get enough of the language during our sessions!
Susan enters.
STEVE: (from kitchen) where are you going? At least talk to me...
Steve enters living room.
STEVE: Susan. I love you.
SUSAN: Oh for gods sake.
JANE: Thanks .
Black screen - The Indignant Seven.
Group are all eating round the table. Lots of looks being thrown around.
SALLY: (mouthing) This is your fault.
PATRICK: (mouthing) What?
Jane goes to cut herself some more meat
JANE: (impersonating a sheep) Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Baa. Mamma, baa. (As herself) Aw. If you love animals you'll love lamb.
STEVE: Jane stop picking on your date.
JILL: Date?
STEVE: Friend. Sorry. Friend
JANE: So Steve, Susan tells us you've been using pornography...
STEVE: Using pornography. What a strange expression Jane. I enjoy erotica if that's what you mean. But then doesn't everybody. I certainly don't use pornography whatever that means, it makes me sound like some kind of...
SUSAN: Wanker
JILL: If you two need any help with any of these issues. I have a window come up on a weekly basis.
JANE: If you can't stand the meat stay out of the kitchen.
PATRICK: Not really qualified to talk to them though are you?
JILL: Not qualified?
JEFF: No well you know the man woman thing.
JILL: I've got a wall full of qualifications on the man woman thing.
PATRICK: Yeah, academically qualified...
JILL: I'll show you the list if you want.
PATRICK: No thanks not really my area.
JILL: Oh, oh I see.
PATRICK: What?
JILL: Sorry I should have realised.
PATRICK: Realised what?
JILL: I thought you were with Sally.
STEVE: If you're so qualified Jill, explain this one: if a woman finds something a turn on it's erotica, if a man does it porn.
SUSAN: I think you have a somewhat blurred vision of Lesbian Spank Inferno Steve. But then I suppose you would...
STEVE: It's an erotic film.
SUSAN: It's not even a film.
STEVE: Why do you assume that? What makes you think it hasn't got a proper story and everything?
JEFF: Well it's kinda hard to tell isn't it 'cause you tend to fast forward if anyone's dressed.
STEVE: Thank you Jeff.
JEFF: Sometimes I forget and do that with proper films. I can get through a lot of movies in an evening.
SUSAN: The point is Lesbian Spank Inferno doesn't count as erotica.
JEFF: Yes it does.
STEVE: Of course it does.
JEFF: It's got about fifteen lesbians.
SUSAN: It's porn.
STEVE: Well I don't call it porn.
PATRICK: You called it porn in the pub.
STEVE: Oh get a new haircut Patrick!
PATRICK: Stop going on about my haircut.
JILL: What's wrong with it? I think it's lovely and it really suits you.
PATRICK: Well you're about the only person who does like it.
JILL: Oh I bet you know lots of people who like it.
STEVE: OK, ok what makes an erotic film any different from porn?
SUSAN: A plot you can't summarise in diagrams.
STEVE: For instance what film is erotic?
SALLY: Well I found The Piano very erotic.
STEVE: Oh come on, The Piano...
JANE: All men hate that film.
JEFF: I liked it; Holly Hunter was naked through most of it.
SALLY: She was nude in one scene.
JEFF: Depends how you watch it...
STEVE: You just assume without even watching it that Lesbian Spank Inferno isn't a proper grown up film, albeit with some adult content.
SUSAN: I'll tell you what the thing is; you assume I didn't watch it...
STEVE: I love you.
SUSAN: Prove it.
STEVE: How?
SUSAN: Tell us in a reasonable amount of details the story of lesbian spank inferno. Come on, tell us the moving tale of the fifteen spanking lesbians.
SALLY: I have never understood the male obsession with lesbianism. A whole area of sex with nothing for them to do. (Pause) I just answered my own question
SUSAN: I think they like to imagine they can get in there and convert them.
PATRICK: Exactly.
JILL: I'm surprised someone like you would think that gays could be so easily diverted from their sexuality
PATRICK: Conversion can happen. Of course it can.
JILL: You think so?
PATRICK: It's just a matter of meeting the right person.
JILL: Well that's a rather unusual view.
PATRICK: In fact it's just the matter of sitting next to the right person at dinner.
JILL: Well that's very flattering.
PATRICK: You agree with me then?
JILL: Well I don't know if I agree with you exactly but I think you're very kind.
PATRICK: Really?
SUSAN: Anyway I think Steve was going to tell us all a story unless of course he's too embarrassed...
STEVE: OK. Erm... Lesbian Spank Inferno opens with five lesbian film makers, a collective you might say, who were having a competition to see who can make the best lesbian film.
SUSAN: Film makers?
STEVE: Yep independent film makers.
SUSAN: Meaning?
STEVE: Meaning they're the kind of girls who want to deal with the studio bosses, focus groups, all that industry smoozing...
SUSAN: Meaning they've got cameras in their bedrooms?
STEVE: So neatly avoiding the whole studio system.
SUSAN: Very clever
STEVE: Yes. So during the opening act of the film they are meeting up to see each others films and see who did the best one.
SALLY: And I'm guessing we see all the films?
STEVE: Exactly, we see a film inside a film.
JILL: Do those films have plots too?
STEVE: No, they're more mood pieces.
SUSAN: Expressionistic.
STEVE: Very much so.
JEFF: At the top of their voices.
STEVE: Yes thank you Jeff, you can stop helping me now. So basically they watch the films and pick a winner. So that's the movie, there you go.
SUSAN: So what does the winner get? Isn't she presented with a trophy or something?
STEVE: Erm yeah she gets a sort of trophy
JEFF: A trophy? Oh that...
SUSAN: What kind of trophy?
JEFF: Three speeds.
STEVE: Yes you can stop helping me now Jeff.
PATRICK: What about the spanking? Not a lot of spanking there
STEVE: Yes thank you for bringing that up Patrick. God knows if it had slipped by unnoticed...
PATRICK: No problem.
SALLY: So the spanking then?
STEVE: Well as a spur to future excellence amongst the lesbian film collective they decide the loser, the one that made the worst film better have a bit of a spanking.
SALLY: She must be a bit pissed off.
STEVE: Oddly enough she suggests it.
SALLY: She suggests it?
STEVE: She's very dedicated.
JANE: It's not much of an inferno though is it, one woman?
STEVE: It goes on a bit.
SUSAN: Why is that exactly? Very strict collective is it?
STEVE: Well she keeps saying "ooh don't stop".
JILL: Why?
STEVE: I think she feels quite badly about her film.
SUSAN: Still not much of an inferno though Steve...
STEVE: So then the winner says "ooh I want a spanking too".
JILL: Why?
SUSAN: Two people still not much of an inferno.
STEVE: Well then they all decide that they want a bit of a spanking.
JILL: Yeah, but why?
STEVE: Sisterhood. Oh god.
JILL: How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?
STEVE: Because it's got naked women in it. Look I like naked women, I'm a bloke I'm supposed to like them we're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one halfway down the birth canal we're already enjoying to view. Look, it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche: we like naked women, stockings, lesbians and Sean Connery best as James Bond because that's what being a boy is and if you don't like it darling, join a film collecting. Look, I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table there, but that does not stop me wanting me to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die because that's what being a bloke is. When man invented fire he didn't say "Hey lets cook" he said "Great now we can see naked bottoms in the dark". As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of, weh-hey, naked bottoms. We have turned the Internet into an enormous international database of naked bottoms. So the story of male achievement through the age, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly girls I'm not sure how insulted you really ought to be.
Jeff and Patrick clap.
SUSAN: The rest of your life?
STEVE: What?
SUSAN: You want to spend the rest of your life with me?
STEVE: Yeh.
JILL: Is Wednesday good for you?
End credits roll
Tag at end, Patrick in bed with Jill. He looks very pleased with himself.