American Dad Transcripts
AMERICAN DAD
1x02: THREAT LEVELS
AIR DATE: 5/1/2005
TITLE THEME
(Newspaper title reads "Stuff happens as wave of ambiguity spreads")
[INT. ON TV SCREEN]
NEWS VOICE OVER: Channel 3 Noon Report with anchor partners Greg Corbin and Terry Bates. News that's independent, proud and unashamed.
TERRY: Good news to report today Greg.
GREG: Sure is Terry. The threat level has just been lowered from yellow to blue, prompting across the board reductions in security measures. This is the first time the threat level has been blue, same color as my handsome co-anchor's eyes.
TERRY: Stop.
GREG: Come on now we've talked about this. Learn to take a compliment.
TERRY: Thank you.
GREG: You see. Now how hard is that? Huh? Alright lets check the freeways.
[INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS]
(Two CIA agents are watching CCTV screens. One screen is labelled Mexico, the other USA. On the Mexico screen, a large group of people are standing in the middle of a road. On the USA screen, the road is empty. A CIA agent enters the room.)
CIA AGENT 3: Hey they just lowered the terror level, I saw it on the news.
CIA AGENT 1: Sweet! Wanna play backgammon?
CIA AGENT 2: Do I!
(The two CIA agents start playing backgammon. On the screen we see the large group of Mexicans walk into the USA. Cut to: Stan's office.)
STAN: Well done fellows, our country is a full color value safer.
(Jackson enters.)
JACKSON: Hey everyone. The boss just said we could take a half day.
DICK: All right! I got stuff to do!
(Hundreds of CIA agents run out of the Headquarters. After all of the commotion, two CIA agents rifde past on bikes.)
CIA AGENT 1 Wanna get baked and ride the escalators at the mall?
CIA AGENT 2 Do I!
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - KITCHEN]
(Francine is washing up. Roger is standing at the fridge.)
FRANCINE: Roger, take something out or close the refrigerator.
ROGER: Oh, nothing looks good to me.
KLAUS: You know what looks good to me? Francine bent over that sink.
FRANCINE: Klaus, calm down. (Stan enters.) Well, you're home early!
STAN: Well that's my reward for making the world a safer place. That and this magnificent government pay check.
FRANCINE: That's my Stan the man.
STAN: Here's your allowance champ.
(Stan hands Steve a banknote.)
STEVE: Wow, a whole five bucks.
STAN: Yeah, I'm gonna need change.
STEVE: I can't buy a game station with this!
STAN: You know when I was a boy, five dollars was...
STEVE: Tell you what, I'll give you ten dollars not to tell me this story.
ROGER: Eugh, what's this? Smells like crap.
(Roger was smelling Stan's Thermos.)
STAN: That should be empty; I had my soup for lunch.
FRANCINE: Honey, why is there a biohazard symbol on your Thermos?
STAN: Let me see that! (Stan pours himself a cup of the substance in the Thermos and drinks it.) This is not soup.
[INT. ON TV SCREEN]
TERRY: This is the scene in Langley Falls, Virginia, where the Smith family's been quarantined in there two storey Georgian colonial home.
(The screen shows the Smith's house, covered in an anti-radiation sheet.)
GREG; Actually Terry it's an updated Cape Cod, the shutters are a dead giveaway.
TERRY: You're right Greg, thanks for correcting me. That's how I learn.
GREG: The Smiths have been exposed to a biological agent which will eventually liquefy their internal organs. We have a computer generated image of what that might look like, but I must warn you, this is not for the squeamish.
TERRY: I'm not gonna look!
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM]
FRANCINE: Oh no! This is a nightmare!
STAN: Don't worry honey. You know how the media sensationalises everything. Hey friend, what's the real deal?
(A man in a biohazard suit is sealing up the windows of the house.)
BIOHAZARD MAN: The good news is you're not going to die...
STAN: See there?
STEVE: What a relief!
FRANCINE: Thank God!
KLAUS: Wunderbar!
BIOHAZARD MAN: ...For twenty four hours. Which is just enough time for you to learn not to interrupt someone when they're talking.
[EXT. STREET]
HAILEY: Don't worry Tony, we'll find a place to build that homeless shelter.
HOMELESS MAN: Thanks for all your hard work Hailey, and thanks for walking me home.
(The homeless man lies down on the curb. Hailey looks further up the street and sees her house surrounded by emergency vehicles.)
HAILEY: Oh my God!
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM]
(Hailey enters in a biohazard suit.)
STAN: Hailey!
HAILEY: They let me come say goodbye. I'm gonna miss you guys.
STEVE: Hey, how come she gets to live?
HAILEY: Because I was out helping the homeless, while you were here being a loser.
STEVE: Oh yeah? (Steve pulls out Hailey's oxygen tube and blows into it.) Who's the loser now, loser?
HAILEY: Mom! Steve just infected me!
STAN: Nobody likes a snitch Hailey.
HAILEY: I don't believe this! We're all gonna die!
(Hailey removes her biohazard suit.)
ROGER: Yeah, tough break. Can you hold this for me?
(Roger hands Hailey one end of a measuring tape.)
STAN: What the hell are you doing?
ROGER: Measuring for drapes. As soon as you're dead I'm gonna completely redo this place. I'm thinking something vibrant, like a sea foam green. Oh, cos', uh, I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all this sad. Oh, dimmer switches! Dimmer switches everywhere!
STAN: What makes you think you're going to survive?
ROGER: My species is immune to all human ailments.
STAN: So explain that cold sore...
ROGER: Mind your own business!
FRANCINE: Oh stop bickering! Time is precious! We have to make the most of our last twenty four hours together.
STAN: Your mother's right. We should all sit together as a family... and watch the entire first season of 24 on DVD.
(Cut to: We see the sun quickly set and then rise.)
STAN: Well that was bold television. (Stan turns off the television.) And we still have a minute to spare!
STEVE: I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
FRANCINE: Aw sweetie, there was a seventy, eighty percent chance of that happening anyway.
HAILEY: Daddy!
STAN: No tears damn it! A Smith dies with dignity. Kids, I've been tough on you, but only because I love you so very, very...
(Stan is interrupted by a loud noise. Roger is dragging a new couch into the living room.)
ROGER: Right! I should probably wait.
HAILEY: This is it!
(Everyone looks at the large clock grandfather's clock. Steve points at Klaus, floating upturned in his bowl.)
STEVE: Look!
FRANCINE: Ahh!
(Klaus is woken up by all the screaming.) KLAUS: Ahh! I was just snoozing.
FRANCINE: We're alive! We are.
ROGER: That clock's always fast. Let's give it a few more minutes.
[EXT. SMITH HOUSE - FRONT GARDEN]
(The biohazard men are leaving.)
BIOHAZARD MAN: Good news. Apparently that batch of virus was inert. So that means...
STAN: We're going to be OK!
BIOHAZARD MAN: Yes, although apparently you manners died years ago. You're welcome.
(The biohazard man walks away. Francine sighs.)
STAN: Hey, what's wrong honey? We're alive!
FRANCINE: I know, and that's good, but, well, when I though we were gonna die it made me realise how little I've done with my life and now I guess I'm feeling... unfulfilled.
STAN: Unfulfilled?! But I've given you everything you could ever want! You clean, you cook, and once a week we lie together as husband and wife in sexual congress!
(Stan and Francine hear a hammering sound coming from the other site of the street. A woman, Barb, is hammering a For Sale sign into the front yard of the house across the street. Stan and Francine walk over to her.)
FRANCINE: What's going on?
BARB: Hi Barb Hasen, exposition realty. Let me bring you up to speed. Your virus scare prompted these folks to put their house on the market. Any questions?
FRANCINE: No, that was very concise.
BARB: Give me a call if you ever need a real estate agent. I'm also a hand model.
STAN: Sweet Sean Hannity, your hands are lovely! Ah, come on Francine...
(Stan and Francine walk back over to their side of the street.)
FRANCINE: Oh boy, she seems so confident. And the way she wears that smart cranberry blazer with her company's logo. Her life must be so exciting!
STAN: Well you could do what she does.
FRANCINE: You think?
STAN: Absolutely! We will absolutely get you a real estate costume! Oh you'll look adorable. And I'll dress up as a sea captain and we can take pictures.
FRANCINE: I mean a real job.
STAN: No, no, it'll be great! I'l be Admiral Finch from the 58th flotilla and you'll be Lady Constantina, my real estate agent. And we'll promenade around the neighbourhood delighting young and old alike with our saucy banter.
FRANCINE: Stan, I can't be a real estate agent just because you say so. It takes years to get a license.
STAN: You leave that to me m'lady.
(Stan kneels down and starts kissing Francine's hand. Francine laughs.)
[INT. EXPOSITION REALTY - BARB HANSEN'S OFFICE]
(Stan walks into Barb's office with two CIA agents.)
STAN: Barb Hansen?
BARB: Yes?
(Stan throws a bag over Barb's head. The two CIA agents then pick her up and start dragging her out of the room.)
STAN: Go! Wait! (Stan takes Barb's cranberry blazer.) Go!
(The CIA agents continue to drag Barb out of the room, kicking and screaming. They then drag a screaming Francine into the room and sit her down at Barb's desk. Stan removes the bag that's over her head and puts the blazer on her.)
FRANCINE: What... What's going on?
STAN: Congratulations! You're in real estate. Adorable!
FRANCINE: Wait a minute; this is Barb's stuff... What happened to her?
STAN: She'll be fine.
(Cut to: We see an outside shot of Guantanamo Bay. Inside in the canteen, Barb is sat at a lunch table with two Middle Eastern men. They are all dressed in orange prison jumpsuits.)
BARB: Hi. Barb Hansen, exposition realty. Mind if I borrow one of your napkins? Thanks.
IRAQI PRISONER 1 (in Arabic, subtitled): The infidel has stolen my napkin!
IRAQI PRISONER 2 (in Arabic, subtitled ): Tonight we will cut off her lovely hands.
[INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS]
(Stan, Dick and Jackson are standing in a hallway, talking.)
DICK: You let your wife get a job?
STAN: No, no, it's more like a hobby. You know, something to keep her busy until Stan the man gets home.
JACKSON: I used to work in real estate.
STAN: What are you, gay?
JACKSON: I was when I worked in real estate. Once I stopped selling houses, my sodomy cleared up like that. (snaps fingers)
STAN: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?
DICK: No kidding. You need a vagina.
JACKSON: Yeah vaginas are great. Wish I had one...
[EXT. OUTSIDE UNNAMED HOUSE]
(A removal van is parked outside a house. Francine places a SOLD sign in the front yard of the house. Stan pulls up in his car.)
FRANCINE: I did it! I sold my first house!
STAN: He-hey! Who's my big girl? (Stan waves at the man, woman and two children who are unloading the removal van.) And such a nice family!
FRANCINE: Oh they're just the movers. The new owners are Greg and Terry.
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - KITCHEN]
STAN: What were you thinking? We don't want their kind in this neighbourhood.
FRANCINE: You're overreacting. STAN: Overreacting? Overreacting?! (Stan, furious, slams his head into the wall, denting it.) Do you know what those two are? Reporters! That's right Francine, members of the liberal media!
FRANCINE: Stan, not all journalists are bad. You like Brit Hume don't you?
STAN: You know damn well I like Brit Hume!
FRANCINE: Just give Greg and Terry a chance.
STAN: Oh all right. But if I... (The lights in the kitchen are suddenly dimmed.) What the hell?
(Roger is standing at the light switch, holding a screwdriver.)
ROGER: Dimmer switch! Huh? Huh? Oh I'm sorry! Too fabulous? I hate this place.
(Roger walks out.)
FRANCINE: Oh I haven't even told you the best part... Look at my commision check!
(Francine pulls out a check.)
KLAUS: Incredible! That is more than Stan the man makes in a month!
FRANCINE: And that's just for one house!
(Francine walks out.)
KLAUS: Ooh, you have been emasculated by the superior earning power of your little house frau.
(Stan slams his head into the wall again.)
STAN: Ow! Oh God! Stud! Stud! Hit the stud!
[INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - COFFEE ROOM]
DICK: Well, you're in a pickle here.
JACKSON: I agree. In a relationship, money is power.
STAN: Look, this is just a bump in the road. Francine's like a puppy - sure she's having fun chewing her new bone and selling a few houses, but soon she'll get bored and go right back to ironing my shirts and scooting her ass on the carpet.
DICK: Open your eyes Stan. Your very manhood is at stake!
STAN: Oh that's crazy!
DICK: Is it? When my wife started working I didn't think twice, but she kept earning more and more money, and them one day... Bam! (Dick pulls down his pants. We see he doesn't have a penis.) I didn't even get to say goodbye.
[EXT. STREET]
(Stan is driving home from work. We think he's alone in the car. He starts hearing voices.)
DICK (off camera): Your very manhood is at stake. Your very manhood is at stake. Your very...
(The camera pans out. We see Dick sitting in the passenger seat, taunting Stan.)
STAN: Ok that's it, we're not gonna car pool anymore.
[INT. PRICEY'S RESTAURANT]
(The family are eating out to celebate Francine's first commission. Stan, Francine, Hailey and Steve are sat around the table. Hailey proposes a toast.)
HAILEY: Here's to mom. She's finally cast of the shackles to domestic servitude and realised her potential as a smart, independent woman.
STAN: Hailey, how would you like a punch in the face?
FRANCINE: Oh I have a little surprise. I bought you all presents.
(Francine hands everyone their presents.)
HAILEY: A donation for my homeless shelter!
STEVE: Fifty bucks towards my game station!
STAN: A tie? When do I ever wear a tie?
(A waitress walks over to the table.)
WAITRESS: Thank you very much Mrs Smith.
STAN: You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom!
FRANCINE: I did both.
STAN: Well you can just do it all, can't you?
[INT. LANGLEY FALLS SHOPPING MALL]
(Steve, Barry, Snot and Toshi are walking around in the mall.)
BARRY: Dang! We still need a hundred bucks for that game station!
STEVE: Don't worry, I have a plan. Toshi, you have a video camera, right?
TOSHI (in Japanese, subtitled) : You assume this because I am Asian. You are a racist.
STEVE: Wow, that's a lot of words for "of course".
BARRY: Oh I get it. We can sell Toshi's camera and get the money!
STEVE: Woah, Barry, why do you always have to make everything so complicated?
STEVE: The plan is quite simple really. Toshi will borrow a camcorder from his parents. Meanwhile, Snot and I will find some lovely ladies willing to go wild in exchange for a little financial aid. We'll have ourselves a little photo shoot. After that, we'll make thousands of duplicates, direct market the tapes on late night cable television, and then we retire and live out our days playing video games.
[EXT. GREG AND TERRY'S HOUSE - BACK YARD]
(Stan is in the Jacuzzi with Terry and Greg on either side of him.)
STAN: I gotta admit I wasn't sure about you fellas, but sometimes you just wanna be around other men, you know?
TERRY: It's, uh, nice to meet you to.
GREG: Yeah, thanks for, uh, dropping in.
STAN: Ah I envy you guys, just a couple of unmarried studs enjoying life to the max.
TERRY: Actually Greg was married once.
GREG: I was confused. Is that why you're here Stan? Are you confused?
STAN: Things are strained between me and the missus. The whole balance of power in our relationship has shifted, and, well, I don't like it.
GREG: I don't blame you. A healthy relationship should be a partnership.
TERRY: Well it's never really equal. Someone always ends up on top.
GREG: Yeah but you know, sometimes it's OK to switch.
TERRY: Really?
GREG: Mhmm, down the line.
STAN: I think I hear what you guys are saying. I'm the man and I have to reclaim the power in my marriage. Hey thanks fellas!
(Stan stand up and gets out of the Jacuzzi.)
TERRY: Take a picture why don't you?
GREG: I'm just being polite. It would be rude not to look.
[EXT. EXPOSITION REALTY]
(Stan is on the roof of a building opposite Francine's workplace. He has a sniper rifle at the ready. Francine leaves the building. Stan gets a bead on her and is ready to shoot.)
STAN: Forgive me Francine. I'm only doing this to save our marriage. What am I thinking? This is the woman I love! (Stan changes the scope. It is now heart shaped.) That's better! Oh damning I'm such a softie! There's gotta be a better way to put her out of business...
[INT. EXPOSITION REALTY]
(Stan walks up to Francine's boss.)
STAN: Uh, excuse me, are you Francine's boss?
FRANCINE'S BOSS: Yes.
STAN: (into his sleeve) Go, go, go! (Ten CIA agents burst into the room.) You're all under arrest!
FRANCINE'S BOSS: For what?!
(Stan picks up a sugar coated doughnut.)
STAN: Possession of cocaine doughnuts.
FRANCINE'S BOSS: Those are powdered sugar!
STAN: Put it in a rap song, jailbird! This office is permanently closed.
FRANCINE'S BOSS: What are you saying?
STAN: I'm saying... you're fired. (Donald Trump walks up to Stan, clears his throat and motions to him with his hand.) Oh for God's sake. Somebody pay Mr Trump!
[EXT. HOUSE]
(Steve, Barry, Snot and Toshi and two girls walk up to a house that is being sold by Francine.)
SNOT: So you're sure we can use this house for our video shoot?
STEVE: I overheard my mom say it's been on the market so long everbody's forgotten about it.
BARRY: Eavesdropper! You should respect her privacy!
GIRL 1: You guys got beer, right? 'Cos... we're not going wild and exposing our breasts without beer
SNOT: Got you covered.
TOSHI (in Japanese, subtitled) : My pants grow tight.
(They open the door and walk into the house. Inside are a bunch of homeless people. A banner reads "Homeless Rights Center".)
STEVE: What?!
GIRL 2: We are going neither wild, nor totally wild, at a homeless shelter.
GIRL 1: But we are taking your beer.
(The two girls take the beer and leave the house. Hailey walks up to Steve.)
STEVE: Hailey, you ruined everything! What are you doing here?!
HAILEY: I'm giving these poor forgotten people a new lease on life.
HOMELESS MAN: Umm, Hailey, I think Phil is dead...
(Several homeless men run over to dead Phil, and try to steal his clothes. They all end up fighting each other.)
SNOT: Now we'll never get a game station.
STEVE: Au contraire my dear Snot.
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(Stan enters. Francine has her back to him.)
STAN: Hey, honey, I just heard the news. Too bad about your office being closed down! Well, looks like I'm making more money than you again!
(Francine turns around. She's wearing a headset.)
FRANCINE: I'd advise you to write an offer soon Randy. Mortgage rates aren't going to stay this low forever.
STAN: That's real estate chatter!
ROGER: Silence you fool! She's closing a duplex at four percent of a list.
STAN: Francine what the hell is going on? You were fired! (Donald Trump walks in and indicated he wants money.) That's passive past tense Trump, you don't own that!
(Donald Trump walks out.)
FRANCINE: Stan I'm on the phone. Sorry Randy, I'm working out of my home office these days.
(Roger gives Francine a mug of coffee.)
ROGER: Here you go boss.
STAN: Boss?
ROGER: I'm Mrs Smith's assistant. Can I get you something while you wait?
STAN: Uhh, a bottled water?
ROGER: It's not cold. Is that all right?
STAN: Ah, forget it.
(The phone rings. Roger answers it.)
ROGER: Fran Smith and Associate.
STAN: Hold her calls! Francine I want to to stop this nonsense.
FRANCINE: Nonsense? This job is my career!
STAN: No, my job is a career. This is just some silly housewife's hobby.
FRANCINE: Oh yeah? Well this silly housewife loves her hobby. She's good at it, in fact she kicks ass. So her big career man husband is just gonna have to deal with it.
STAN: I could have assasinated you!
FRANCINE: What?
STAN: Nothing.
[EXT. SMITH HOUSE - FRONT YARD]
(Stan is taking out the trash. He hears his children arguing around the side of the house and goes to intervene.)
HAILEY: It was my house first!
STEVE: You can't stand in the way of progress, buttface.
STAN: Hey! Hey! What's going on here?
HAILEY: Steve's making the homeless men in my shelter beat each other senseless.
STEVE: It's called bumfights. I'm gonna make a fortune selling tickets.
HAILEY: It's exploitation! You're making money off their pain and misery.
STAN: All right Hailey, I'll handle this. Let me get this straight son. You're pitting desperate down-trodden men against one another in a violent confrontation for profit?
STEVE: Yes Sir...
STAN: I'm in!
[INT. HOMELESS SHELTER]
(Hailey opens the door to the Homeless Shelter. It has been turned into a makeshift gym, the homeless men lifting weights and working out.)
HAILEY: What the hell is going on here?
STEVE: Ask Dad. He's stolen my whole bumfights idea. He won't even give me a piece of the action.
(Stan is talking to two homeless men.)
STAN: OK I want this to be a class act. I'll introduce you both, you'll shake hands, and then I'll throw raw meat on the floor, and whoever beats the crap out of the other one gets to eat.
HAILEY: Dad, you were supposed to shut this down. You're degrading these poor men.
STAN: That's rediculous. i'm giving them jobs and self esteem. More importantly, I'm giving them costumes and a back story! (motions to one of the homeless men) This is the garbage collector. He's got his own catchphrase: "I'm taking out the trash, and sorting it". (motions to other homeless man) And this guy, this guy, he grew up living with alligators, wrestling with alligators. I call him the aviator. Fight night's already sold out. I set up a ring, fans can make bets, I even put out some nice mixed nuts. (One of the homeless men reaches for the bowl of mixed nuts.) No! Those are for people!
STEVE: I can't believe you muscled out your own son! You stink Dad!
STAN: Oh come on! What's more important? Your hopes and dreams, or me making more than your mother?
HAILEY: This is pure exploitation! I'm gonna tell Mom.
STAN: Go ahead! Then your homeless pals will be right back on the streets where the nights are cold and the fights are meatless.
HAILEY: This isn't over...
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(Francine is sat at the dining room table, working. Roger is filing his nails and speaking on the phone.)
ROGER (on phone): Yeah, it's been that kinda week girlfriend. But TGI humpday, huh?
FRANCINE: Roger, who are you talking to?
ROGER: Tammy down at Menser Escrow. We're phone buddies.
FRANCINE: Did you copy those title reports?
ROGER (on phone): Tams, I've gotta go. Yeah, the boss is being a real "Catch U Next Tuesday".
(Stan walks in.)
STAN: Stan the man is back. Here you go. Just my little way of saying you can keep your little job.
(Stan hands Francine a ring.)
FRANCINE: A diamond ring?!
STAN: I also got you a minx shoal.
FRANCINE: Oh my God! But Stan, can we afford this?
STAN: Well you can't, but I can!
FRANCINE: But how did you get...
STAN: Shhh, shhh. Smile for Leroy Neiman. He's painting us right now.
(The camera pans out. We see Leroy Neiman painting them.)
FRaNCINE: That's Leroy Neiman?
STAN: I know, I thought he was black too.
[INT. HOMELESS SHELTER]
(Stan is sat at a desk, counting money.)
STEVE: I've got to hand it to you Dad, you really pulled it off. Or did you?
(Steve opens the curtains. Outside, a protest is in progress.)
[EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER - FRONT YARD]
(Homeless men are protesting outside the house, carrying signs which read "No Fight!", "Bums Want Change!", "Strike!" etc...)
STAN: You unionised the homeless?
HAILEY: Yup. This is the fighting bums' local 302. Here are our demands.
(Hailey hands Stan a piece of paper.)
STAN (reading): Longer red lights at freeway off ramps, free doggy day care, human dignity?! I can't meet these demands!
HAILEY: Then you better start refunding everyone's money, 'cause there won't be any bumfights tonight.
STAN: No! You can't take my money!
(Hailey walks away.)
STEVE: Don't sweat it Dad, I found a bum who's willing to scab. Now all you gotta do is dress up like a bum, and fight him.
STAN: Son, you're a lifesaver! All right where's the bum who's stupid enough to step into a ring with me? (Steve points towards a gigantic bald man.) Who the hell is that?
STEVE: He doesn't have a name...
STAN: What do you mean?
STEVE: He killed his own name.
(The man bites his thumb off, spits it to the ground, and starts laughing.)
STAN: My God Steve! You couldn't get me the aviator or the tickler, or pillow hands McGraw?
PILLOW HANDS MCGRAW: No way, not me. I ain't no scab!
[EXT. HOMELESS SHELTER - BACK YARD - NIGHT]
(A ring has been set up in the back yard of the homeless shelter, and is surrounded by spectators. In the ring, we see the gigantic man and Stan, who is dressed up like a homeless person.)
HAILEY: Dad, this is suicide. You're a weapons expert. When was the last time you fought hand to hand?
STAN: I'll be fine, Hailey. You never forget how to fight. It's like beating up a bicycle.
(The bell dings. Both men walk into the middle of the ring. Stan punches the other man's chest, but hurts his hand on impact.)
STAN: Don't let it eat my heart.
(The gigantic man starts pummelling Stan. Cut to: Francine in the front yard. She's showing a couple the house, which is up for sale.)
FRANCINE: This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
WOMAN: Pretty soon we're going to be more than a couple.
FRANCINE: Oh congratulations! I just thought you were fat.
WOMAN: We're adopting...
FRANCINE: Let me show you the back yard. It's the perfect place for a baby to play.
(Francine opens the gate to the back yard. The couple get covered in blood from the fight.)
FRANCINE: Oh my God! Stop it! Stan what are you doing?! Leave my husband alone!
(Francine runs into the ring and stops the fight.)
SPECTATOR 1: Haha look, that bum's wife has to jump in and save him!
SPECTATOR 2: What a wuss!
(Stan, who is on the ground, get ups. He goes to punch the big man, but ends up tapping hm lightly on the chin. The man falls to the floor, knocked out.)
STEVE: It's a knockout. My Dad wins!
SPECTATOR 1: I lost a pile of dough on that one thumbed psycho!
SPECTATOR 2: Me too. Let's exit quickly.
(All of the spectators leave.)
STAN: I did it! I'm Stan the man!
HAILEY: Not really.
STEVE: We paid this guy to take a dive, then bet everything on you.
STAN: So... this whole thing was a set up?
(The big man gets up off of the floor.)
TED: More of a performance piece. Hi, Ted Fiedler, method actor. I'm also a hand model. (Ted looks at his hands, but sees he is missing a thumb.) Nooooo! (He runs away.)
FRANCINE: Stan, why did you do this?
STAN: Oh, money. You make more of it than me. I'm a failure as a man.
FRANCINE: You big dope. Don't you get it? We're a team.
STAN: I know, and you're the owner. I get it!
FRANCINE: No Stan, we're equals. We share everything, good and bad. You don't have to feel threatened by my job.
STAN: So, you mean, when you succeed... I succeed.
FRANCINE: Exactly.
(Ted comes back.)
TED: Hey, I was gonna hitch a ride home, but I bit my thumb off...
FRANCINE: So use your other one.
TED: Right! Thanks! Hey, teach a man to fish, huh?
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(Roger, Francine and Stan are in the dining room, eating breakfast.)
STAN: I made you fresh coffee. Have a good day at work, partner.
(Roger is watching the news on TV.)
ROGER: Shh.
GREG (on the TV): Interest rates went up this morning by a whopping twenty points, sending mortgage rates soaring. Smart play locking us in on that low fixed rate Terry.
TERRY (on the TV): Thank you...
GREG (on the TV): Said the man who's finally learning his own self worth. This senseless rate hike by federal reserve chairman Alan Greenspan has jeopardized the fragile US economy, and put every real estate agent in the country out of work.
STAN: That's a shame. I'm sorry, hun!
ROGER: Can I keep this mouse pad? I'm keeping this mouse pad.
FRANCINE: Oh well at least I had some fun. And you learned there's no need to be threatened by my success.
STAN: Absolutely. Go team Smith! (Francine leaves for work. Into microphone in sleeve.) It's Stan the man. Release Greenspan's schnauzer.
(Cut to: Alan Greenspan's dog is being help by a CIA agent. The agent releases the dog.)
ALAN GREENSPAN: Fanny May!
TERRY (on the TV): That's all for the morning report. We'll see you at noon.
GREG (on the TV): And I'll see you tonight.
TERRY (on the TV): Greg!
GREG (on the TV): Oh relax! Everybody knows.