American Dad Transcripts
AMERICAN DAD
1x01: THE PILOT
AIR DATE: 2/6/2005
TITLE THEME
(Newspaper title reads "Democratic party missing: feared dead")
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(Hailey and Steve are sat at the dining room table. Hailey is working on a term paper. Steve, who is eating his breakfast, starts humming.)
HAILEY: Shut up Steve! I have a term paper due.
STEVE: Ooh yeah right, community college. Big girl! Big girl! Hey, you think that diploma will help you land a better section when you're waitressing at the Olive Garden? Gah!
HAILEY: Think you'll hit puberty before you turn 14?
STEVE: Why, you want to do it with me? You're sick!
FRANCINE: Steve, you've only got one sister. Be nice. And Hailey, Steve's big boy hair isn't going to come any faster with you taunting him.
KLAUS (from his fishbowl placed on the counter): Ooh Francine. Liebschen. I love thee way you rule with an iron fist. You know, perhaps when you are finished there you would stick your naughty pinkie finger into mein bowl, und let me feel you...
FRANCINE: Klaus, I don't think...
KLAUS: You're right. When the kids are gone.
(Stan walks into the room, followed by Roger.)
STAN: No Roger, you can not borrow the car!
ROGER: You know you'd think you'd be a little more grateful to the guy who saved your life at Area 51.
STAN: Look if my superiors at the CIA found out you were living here we'd all have our memories erased. Did you see Memento? It's not as good the second time... But point is you are not allowed to leave the house.
ROGER: For God's sake Stan, I just wanna pick up a pack of smokes.
STAN: (Sighs) Have you managed to contact your home planet yet?
(Roger sits down at the table.)
ROGER: Oh, you know, I was gonna do it yesterday but I got distracted. VH1 was running this "I love the 80s" marathon. Did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf? I don't know, somehow it's hard to take him as seriously. Oh hey Francine, did you get those pecan sandies I asked for?
FRANCINE: Oh Roger I'm sorry. I was at the market yesterday and I forgot.
ROGER: Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies...
FRANCINE: I'll pick some up this afternoon.
STAN: Francine you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange, which means something might go down somewhere, in some way, at some point, as some time. So look sharp!
HAILEY: You know Dad it's great that you and your CIA buddies have created a fun little system to keep the masses paralysed in fear.
STAN: You like shaving your armpits, Hailey? Huh? 'Cos if the terrorists take over this country that's the first thing to go! (The toast jumps out of the toaster. Stan draws his gun and unloads his magazine into the toaster.)
HAILEY: It's just toast, Dad.
STAN: This time it was toast Hailey, this time...
FRANCINE (placing one of the mangled pieces of toast on here plate): It's OK, this one'll be mine.
(Stan goes and sits at the table, closely followed by Francine. The entire family is now sat around the table.)
STAN: He-he-hey Steve. How's it going with that cross I picked out for you?
STEVE: Actually Dad, I have decided to go for the brass ring. Today I'm asking out Lisa Silver, head cheerleader and future Mrs Steve Smith. Hehe. Yeah, I like the sounds of that. Steve Smith.
STAN: That's my boy! You hear that Francine? Hey Francine, tell Steve how many girls I dated in High School.
FRACINE: I didn't meet you 'til college.
STAN: No, but I've told you.
FRACINE: Steve I sure hope she says yes.
STAN: Don't worry, she won't turn you down. You're a Smith, and a Smith always gets his girl.
(Stan kisses Francine. Francine chuckles.)
KLAUS: Resist him Francine, resist him! You and I are meant to be. (While kissing Francine, Stan empties a load of fish food into Klaus’ fishbowl.) Ah! Happy hour!
HAILEY: Steve, isn't Lisa Silver way out of your league?
ROGER: Well now Hailey don't bury him before he's dead. I think you got a shot Steve, as long as you don't wear that Shazam shirt... (Roger’s chair collapses. Nobody moves.) Oh don't everybody help at once!
FRANCINE: My goodness Roger! When was the last time you weighed yourself?
ROGER: Oh! Oh ow! Ow Francine! You know we can't all look like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies.
FRANCINE: I'm sorry Roger but I'm putting you on a diet. Starting today, no more junk food.
ROGER: What?! No, no, not my Franken berries! Oh Francine please be reasonable! (Roger crawls onto the table. It collapses under his weight.) Oh God I've got a bear claw in my ass.
[INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - STAN'S OFFICE]
(Stan is on the phone.)
STAN: OK so that's two million halogen laps and five hundred thousand coffee tables. Thanks a lot.
(Stan hangs up. A co-worker, Jackson, walks in.)
JACKSON: Hey Stan, what was that all about.
STAN: Oh we just signed a contract with Ikea to furnish Iraq. Basically the whole country's going to look like your first apartment.
(Cut to: An Iraqi man and woman are sitting on a couch in t heir modern looking apartment.)
IRAQI MAN: I like this. It fits with our hip twenty-something lifestyle. Oh for Allah's sake, put some clothes on! (The Iraqi woman lowers her veil to cover her eyes.) Now how about a beer? (The Iraqi woman stands up, trips over a footrest and falls out of the window.)
STAN: Hey Jackson, check out what I bought online: it's a pencil, and the eraser it stuck up Bin Laden's pooper! Ha! Best forty bucks I ever spent.
JACKSON: Wow, you're in a good mood today.
STAN: You bet I am. My kid's asking out a cheerleader.
JACKSON: Steve?
STAN: That's right. I tell ya he's just like his old man. (A co-worker walks past the door. Stan rushes out to show him hjis pencil.) Hey Marcus, check this out: the eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper! (Laughter. Stan walks back into his office.) He thought it was funny too.
[INT. PEARL BAILEY HIGH SCHOOL – CANTEEN]
(Steve is sat at a table with several of his friends. A couple of tables away, Lisa Silver is reading a book.)
STEVE: There she is. Gentlemen if you'll excuse me I have a fully developed woman to conquer.
SNOT: Lisa Silver? Dude, you're a madman.
STEVE: Thank you Snot.
TOSHI (in Japanese, with subtitles): Foolish round-eye, your failure will blossom like a thousand cherry trees.
STEVE: It is a beautiful day for love, Toshi, thank you.
FRIENDS (chanting): Steven! Steven! Steven!
STEVE (to himself): You're cool with chicks. You cool with chicks.
(Steve walks over the Lisa Silver. He pulls on her cheerleader top, and then releases it, letting it slap against her skin.)
LISA: Ow!
STEVE: Hi Lisa! Did that hurt so good? It's Steve, Steve Smith. Remember me? Ah, it'll come to ya. Hey, you wanna go out Friday night?
(A jock walks up to Steve, looking menacing.)
LISA: It's OK baby, I can handle this.
STEVE: Yeah, baby!
(Lisa punches Steve, who gets knocked several feet.)
[EXT. UNNAMED STREET]
(Steve is sat walking in the street. Hands in his pockets, he looks glum and dejected.)
STEVE: How could she just reject me like... like I was a nobody?
(On the other side of the road, Steve watches a woman approach a man with a dog.)
WOMAN: Hey I love your dog.
MAN: Thanks. Hey, wanna come back to my apartment and pet my schnowzer?
WOMAN: OK!
MAN: And then we can play with this dog…
(The couple walk away together.)
STEVE: Wait a minute... That's it! I just need to get a dog, and women will be all over my jock!
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(Stan and Francine are sat on the couch, watching the news on TV.)
REPORTER (on TV): In other news, the White House was stunned today when President Bush received a phone call from God Himself.
(A split screen image appears on the Smith’s TV screen: Bush in his office on the left, and God on a throne amongst the clouds on the right. They are on the phone to each other.)
GOD (on TV): Uh, hey George, it's God.
BUSH (on TV): Wow! Hey, how ya doin'?
GOD (on TV): Good, good. Doing good, doing good. Hey, uh, listen, uh, big favor. Is there any way that you could kind of, ah, from now on just sort of downplay, uh, our relationship a little more in your public adresses?
BUSH (on TV): Huh, uh what do ya mean?
GOD (on TV): Well I mean, uh, just give you an example, all right when you make comments like "God wanted me to be President". You know that, that would be an example of something to maybe just kinda keep to yourself, you know?
BUSH (on TV): Well, uh, sure. I mean if you want.
GOD (on TV): Great, great, thanks! (God’s phone beeps. Someone else is on the line.) Ooh that's Cheney, I gotta take it. (God hands up on Bush and answers Cheney’s call.) Yes sir?
REPORTER (on TV): And on Wall Street today that Dow was down again...
(Hailey walks through the front door. An alarm goes off. Stan leaps of the couch and wrestles her to the ground.)
HAILEY: Dad! Get off me! I have to study for my term paper!
STAN: You know the procedure Hailey.
(Stan begins searching Hailey.)
HAILEY: How come you never search Steve?
STAN: Now honey I love you both, but Steve is not a left wing liberal who I tried to raise properly but somehow… (Stan pulls a pack of gum from one of Hailey’s pockets.) What's this?
HAILEY: It's a pack of gum.
(Stan runs out of the front door, and throws the pack of gun across the road, over the opposite houses. He crouches on the ground, hands over his ears, waiting for an explosion.)
STAN: Alright it's gum. (Steve walks up to the front door.) Hey champ! When's your big date?
STEVE: Umm, she was out sick today.
STAN: Well that's all right. You'll get her tomorrow.
(They both walk into the house.)
STEVE: Hey listen. Mom, Dad, uh, can i have a dog.
STAN: Absolutely not! It's enough that we've got an alien and a goldfish with the brain of a German guy.
(Klaus, in a glass, makes his way over to Stan, Steve and Francine using his fins. He stops directly under
Francine, and looks up under her skirt.) KLAU: Ooh Francine, I can see your Schmutplätzen...
(Francine sighs and picks up Klaus.)
STAN: Sorry Steve, no dog. I'm more than happy to get you an Etch-A-Sketch.
STEVE: Mom...
FRANCINE: You know Stan, a dog's not such an awful idea. It might teach Steve the responsibility he'll for when he, one day, joins the Army. (She winks at Steve.)
STAN: Are you seriously contemplating a military career?
STEVE: I'm thinking about it...
(Cut to: Stan’s car races into the Smith’s driveway. He gets out and opens the front door.)
STAN: He-he-hey did somebody order a brand new dog?
STEVE: Oh sweet Dad, you're the best! (Stan brings the dog in. It looks old and frail, and is shaking. Its skin has fallen off in many spots.) What the hell is that?
STAN: It's a dog!
ROGER: Oh my God...
STEVE: He can barely stand up.
STAN: Well of course, he's nineteen!
FRANCINE: Stan, honey, didn't the pound have any younger dogs?
STAN: Francine, this dog has character. (The dog collapses.) Alright he was around for the Reagan administration; he knows how things are supposed to be.
STEVE: Eh...
STAN: Oh damn it he's doing to pee! No, no, no! Nope, just dust.
[EXT. UNAMNED STREET]
(Steve is dragging his dog along the sidewalk. A car drives by.)
GIRL IN CAR: Hey, dumbass, your dog's half-dead.
STEVE: You hear that boy? That girl just talked to me, and I didn't even have to talk to her first! Come on Thor, let's go cruise the mall!
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - STAN'S BEDROOM]
(Stan is naked from the waist up, prancing around in front of the mirror admiring his body. Francine is sat up in their bed, reading a book.)
STAN: Francine, you are one lucky lady. You can do anything you want to this body because you married it. I hope you're not taking all this for granted.
(Cut to: Roger is downstairs in the kitchen, searching through cupboards, looking for some junk food.)
ROGER: No potato chips, no cupcakes. Damn it Francine. I'm gonna hock a loogie in your Oil of Olay.
(Roger knocks over a jar, which falls to the ground and shatters. Upstairs, Stan hears the noise and, suspicious, reaches for his gun.)
STAN: Where's your machete?
FRANCINE: Honey take it easy...
STAN: If I die you must protect the clan. (Francine pulls out a machete. Stan walks down the stairs and into the dining room.) Osama is that you? (Stan shoots two shots. Roger walks into the dining room.)
ROGER: Geez Stan, what gives? (We see the dog lying on the floor, dead.) Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog. And don't ask me to bring him back with that ET finger thing because that's a giant load of crap.
[EXT. SMITH HOUSE - FRONT GARDEN]
(The dog has been buried and the family is gathered around its grave in the front garden.)
STAN: God please watch over the soul of this dead dog and carry him up to heaven, because he sure as hell can't walk. He's dead. Amen.
FRANCINE: That was beautiful honey.
KLAUS: I used to have a dog. And legs! And arms! I was an Olympic swimmer before the CIA switched mein brain with ein goldfish.
STAN: Well what were we supposed to do? Just let East Germany win that gold medal? Not on my watch...
(Cut to. We see a banner hanging above a ski slope. It reads 1986 Winter Olympics. A German skier rides down the slope, jumps, but lands unsuccessfully. He then wriggles into a nearby lake and swims away. We then cut back to the Smith’s garden.)
HAILEY: You know Steve's dog would still be alive if you right winged lunatics would agree to gun control.
STAN: You know what I have to say to that? (Pause.) Ah, I thought I was going to fart.
(Hailey walks away. Steve is kneeling by the dog’s grave.)
STEVE: This sucks. Now I'm never going to get a girl.
STAN: Wait a minute... Is that why you wanted the dog?
STEVE: Yes sir.
STAN: Well son you don't need a dog when your dad is the greatest lady’s man of all time. Come on!
[INT. LANGLEY FALLS SHOPPING MALL]
STAN: Now Steve girls love a guy who can protect them. (Stan points to a girl.) Now I'm gonna pretend I'm a thief and snatch her purse. Then you'll chase me down, tackle me and win her heart. Got it?
STEVE: Got it, Dad.
(Stan puts on a balaclava and runs towards to girl.)
GIRL: Oh my God, my Mom almost caught me throwing up last night and she like... (Stan grabs her purse.) Hey, my purse!
STEVE: Don't worry young lady. Hey you, come back here!
(Stan runs away. Steve chases after him. Stan is running extremely fast, knocking down anyone who gets in his way. Steve, tired, slows down and eventually stops running. Stan, still holding the purse, jumps through a window, lands on a car in the car park, and runs off.)
[EXT. STAN'S CAR]
(Stan and Steve are driving back from the mall. Stan has pieces of glass impaled in his face, and is bleeding.)
STEVE: Ok I got a little bit carried away back there...
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - HAILEY'S BEDROOM]
(Hailey has her computer on her knees and is studying. Jeff knocks at her window. Hailey gets up and opens the window.)
HAILEY: Hey Jeff.
JEFF: Hey babe. Some guy at the restaurant sent his meatloaf back because there was a hair in it, but it's cool because it was mine. Picnic in the park?
HAILEY: I can't. I have this paper due.
JEFF: Bummer. Well you know what Shakespeare said. I mean, I don't, but I'm sure you do. See ya!
(Jeff walks away. Roger then walks into Hailey’s room.)
ROGER: Chilling with Jeff. Sounds like fun...
HAILEY: Yeah, but this is due tomorrow.
ROGER: Listen Haileykins, obviously I can't leave the house, but if you supply me with Twinkies, Ho Hos, you know any of your basic white trash foodstuffs that your freakin' mother won't let me have, I'll write your paper for you.
HAILEY: What do you know about Crime and Punishment?
ROGER: You mean besides the fact that the suffering of man is both necessary and useful which is revealed to us during Raskalnakov's Redemption? Nothing.
HAILEY: You got a deal.
(They shake hands. We then hear a sludging sound and a green substance is sprayed from Roger’s sides.)
ROGER: Sorry about that. Once every seven hours, like clockwork.
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM]
(Steve and Hilary Duff are sat at a small table in a candlelight dinner style scenario. Stan is standing directly behind Hilary Duff. Hailey walks into the room.)
HAILEY: Oh my God! Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
STAN: Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
STEVE: Hilary, could you pass the salt?
(Stan raises a gun to Hilary Duff’s head.)
STAN: Pass him the salt.
STEVE: So as I was saying, student body elections are next week and I have been personally wedgied by both candidates.
STAN: Woah! You hear that Hilary? Looks like you're a winner with Steve.
(Hilary Duff jumps up from her seat and runs out of the front door.)
HILARY DUFF: Help me!
HAILEY: Dad, you can't go around abducting people just because you're CIA.
STAN: Hilary look out for the mines!
(Explosion.)
HILARY DUFF: Ahh!
STAN: What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
STEVE: You said "look out for the mines".
STAN: I said "look out for the mines".
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(Stan and Roger are sat at the table.)
STAN: I don't understand. I didn't have this problem getting girls when I was his age.
ROGER: Little observation Stan: Steve isn't like you. You're a big powerful guy. Woman are attracted to power and, well, Steve just doesn't have any.
STAN: That's it! If Steve needs power I'll rig the school election and make him student body president.
ROGER: Wow, can you do that?
STAN: Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger.
[INT. PEARL BAILEY HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR]
STAN: Alright Steve, now the key to fixing any election is to cast doubt on your opponent.
(A student, Shelly Maxwell, is campaigning in the high school corridors.)
SHELLY MAXWELL: Vote Shelly Maxwell for student body president. Shelly for president.
STAN: Sure you could vote for Shelly Maxwell, if you don't mind voting for a prostitute!
SHELLY MAXWELL: What?!
STAN: Don't play coy you cardigan jezebel! I have photographic evidence of you having sexual relations with the Jack in the box man!
(Stan pulls a photo of the Jack in the box man in bed with a woman from his pocket. A photo of Shelly Maxwell’s head is taped over that of the woman.)
BOY#1: Eww!
BOY#2: The Jack in the box man?!
BOY#3: That's sick!
BOY#2: He's not even human!
STEVE: Dad, is that really the Jack in the box man?
STAN: Yeah he's in our basement if you wanna meet him.
(Cut to: The Smith Basement. Roger opens the basement door and sees the Jack in the box man lying on the floor, tied up.)
(Cut to: A newspaper spins into focus. It reads: Steve Smith wins election in landslide.)
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM]
(Roger and Hailey are sitting on the couch.)
HAILEY: You know I got an A on that paper.
ROGER: My pleasure. Got anything else in the pipeline?
HAILEY: I've got a poly sci paper. You know anything about Henry Kissinger?
ROGER: Well all I know is that he's Jewish but if you get me some Churros I can probably stretch that into about twelve pages.
[INT. PEARL BAILEY HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR]
(A banner strung up in the high school corridors reads: Congratulations Steve Smith – Student Body President. Steve goes to open his locker. Lisa comes up behind him.)
LISA: Hey Steve. Congratulations.
STEVE: Why thank you Lisa. Say, uh, I was thinking, um, maybe you and I could...
LISA: Go out? I'd love to.
STEVE: Yes! Oh my God! Score! Score! Score! Score! Score!
(A thought bubble appears to Steve’s left. In it we see Stan.)
STAN: Women love a man with power.
STEVE: You were right Dad.
(A thought bubble appears to Steve's right. In it we see Roger.)
ROGER: Hey. Sorry to interrupt Stan I was gonna take a shower but we were all out of Prel. You mind picking some up?
STAN: Yeah, yeah.
ROGER: Thanks. Oh hey Steve. Kudos on the biatch.
(Both thought bubbles pop. Two boys walk out of the male restroom, which is situated right next to Steve's locker.)
BOY#1: Man your stream is so powerful.
BOY#2: Thanks.
LISA: I wish your locker wasn't right next to the boy's room.
STEVE: Yeah, me too. Then again, I am student body president...
[INT. PEARL BAILEY HIGH SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL LEWIS' OFFICE]
(Steve kicks the door to Principal Lewis' office open.)
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Smith! What's the meaning of this?
STEVE: Principal Lewis, I'm taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High statute 39F, quote, the student body president may acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business.
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: You can read! The system works. I'll be back for my stuff...
(Principal Lewis walks out of the office.)
LISA: You're amazing Steve! I'm gonna go tell everyone we're going out.
(Lisa leaves the office.)
STEVE: This is it! I have absolute power! (into intercom) Doris, could you please send in our High School mascot? (A student in a Buffalo suit walks into the office.) Welcome Buffalo. As you must have heard, I have been elected student body president. As such, I can do anything I want, and I want... to ride the Buffalo! (Steve jumps on the Buffalo’s back, and ride’s him around the office, knocking down the desk and chairs in the process.) Woohoohoo! Yes! Yes, I'm riding the Buffalo! (The Buffalo collapses and Doris walks in, looking shocked.) Now send in the lunch lady.
[INT. PEARL BAILEY HIGH SCHOOL - CANTEEN]
(Steve and Lisa are sat at a table, eating. A student acting as a waiter is standing next to their table.)
STEVE: The lady's steak is not nearly Salisbury enough. Take it back!
(The student rushes off with Lisa’s food.)
LISA: Steve you're the greatest boyfriend I've ever had.
STEVE: My dear, I'm just getting started. Bobby get over here! (Another student walks over to the table.) I want my Shazam shirt dry cleaned and pressed by third period. Oh, and another thing: all periods will now be called Steves.
(Cut to: Classroom scene.)
BOY#1: Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?
BOY#2: Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
TEACHER: So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.
GIRL: Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - ATTIC]
(Roger is sitting in front of a computer, eating junk food.)
ROGER: Mm, ah, Hailey you are the best! What else we got here? Chocodiles! I haven't tried those! Oh! Oh-ho-ho! Oh my God, how good are these! Oh! Mm, mm, mm! Dangerous! Mm!
(Hailey walks in.)
HAILEY: How's my paper coming, Roger? You know it's due tomorrow morning.
ROGER: I've got it under control Hailey, do not worry.
HAILEY: OK.
ROGER: By the way, Hailey, oh my God, these Chocodiles! These Chocodiles, Hailey! Oh my God, these Chocodiles! Oh my God!
HAILEY: Umm, yeah. They're good. Back to work...
ROGER: I'm on it.
(The clock beside the computer fades from 8:30PM to 6:15AM. The camera pans out and the computer comes into view. On it is written nothing more than "Kissinger: More Than a Jew". Roger is sleeping on the keyboard. He wakes up.)
ROGER: Ah! Oh no! Hailey! (Roger runs into Hailey's room.) Hailey! Hailey, wake up! I feel asleep. I had a suger crash and I feel asleep and I didn't do the paper!
HAILEY: What?! It's due in two hours.
ROGER: I know. I know. I'm a douchebag. But the important thing now is a way to buy more time... Holy free holy, I've got an idea.
(Cut to: Classroom Scene.)
TEACHER: Well, under the circumstances I think we can give you another few days for your paper.
HAILEY: Thank you Mr Goodwin.
(The camera turns to Hailey and we see her holding the dead dog in her arms.)
[INT. PEARL BAILEY HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR]
(Smith, wearing his Shazam T-shirt, walks down the high school corridors. A student takes a bite out of his locker.)
BOY#1: Hey these Chocolate lockers were a great idea!
TODD: Mine has nut clusters! Thanks Steve.
STEVE: No problem. I am a river to my people and I hope you're all enjoying the computer lab now that I've disabled the porn blocker.
BOY #2: Yeah. I never knew Todd's mom had a website.
TODD: Pretty sexy, huh guys?
STEVE: Sure is Todd. (Steve walks over to Lisa, who is at her locker.) Oh, hello gorgeous. (He tries to kiss her.)
LISA: Eww, what are you doing?
STEVE: What? What? I'm kissing my woman.
LISA: Steve, I like the perks of dating the school president, but I'm not gonna kiss you. I mean, I'm beautiful and you're... repulsive.
STEVE: But, but I thought you liked me.
LISA: Yeah, you were supposed to.
(Lisa walks away. Steve, angry, storms into his new office.)
STEVE (into the intercom): Attention. There is a new school policy. Anyone caught holding hands, hugging, or swapping saliva will be expelled from school, permanently.
(Cut to: Classroom scene. A teacher is buttoning up his shirt. In front of him we see a frog.)
TEACHER: It's too risky right now, I'll come back tonight.
[INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - STAN'S OFFICE]
(Stan is sitting at his desk. The phone rings, and he answers it.)
STAN: This is Stan Smith.
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Mr Smith. I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
STAN: Oh my god he's gay! This it it! This is the gay call! I've been ready for this for years!
(Stan opens a tube of pills and begins pouring them into his mouth.)
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Uhh, no... It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
STAN: I see... (Stan starts foaming at the mouth.) Henry, antidote!
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM]
(Hailey is on the couch, reading. Roger walks into the room.)
ROGER: Hey! How did the dead dog work out? Did it buy us some time?
HAILEY: Yeah, he gave me 'til Monday.
ROGER: Oh great, here's my list.
HAILEY: Sorry Roger that was too close a call. I'm gonna do my own work.
ROGER: What? But I... Where am I gonna get my fix?
HAILEY: Not my problem.
(Hailey walks away.)
ROGER: You can't do it alone Hailey. You don't have the skills, you're not smart enough... (Roger spews the green substance from his sides.) Somebody'll clean that up. (Roger walks away.)
[EXT. PEARL BAILEY HIGH SCHOOL]
(A crowd of people and some police vehicles are positioned at the high school entrance. Stan is talking into a loudspeaker.)
STAN (into loudspeaker): Steve, this is your father.
STEVE (from his office, into the intercom): Get outta here dad, I'm not coming out.
STAN: Alright I'm going in. Francine keep talking to him.
FRANCINE: Be careful honey.
STAN: Hey don't worry about me kiddo. (Stan punches Francine in the shoulder. She gets knocked to the ground.) Oh, oh, oh my God are you alright?
FRANCINE: I'm fine honey, it's OK.
STAN: Oh God I just meant to brush you lightly.
FRANCINE: I know Sweetie it's alright.
STAN: I guess I don't know my own strength...
FRANCINE (fiercely): Go get Steve honey!
STAN: Right.
(Stan runs towards the main doors.)
FRANCINE (into loudspeaker): Steve it's Mommy. Listen honey, you're not alone. When I was your age I had a huge crush on someone too. Mr Feeney, my algebra teacher. Sucha cute man, with a neat little beard. Hehe. Of course he didn't take me seriously. But that all changed when his wife found me in their closet, cunning myself and sniffing his T-shirts.
(Stan climbs up the side of the high school, and enters an air vent from the roof. He makes his way to the air vent in Steve’s office, pushes it aside, and jumps into the office.)
STEVE: Ah! Dad, what are you doing?
STAN: Son I'm stopping you from making a huge mistake.
FRANCINE (outside, into loudspeaker): I lied, and told the police we were lovers! He either killed himself, or he's in jail...
STAN (into intercom): Francine for God's sake, I got him! (to Steve) Wanna talk about it champ?
STEVE: Dad, Lisa only liked me because I was school president. She thinks I'm repulsive. And the worst part of it is, she's right.
STAN: Steve I promise you, and this comes from years of experience, women are never right.
STEVE: I was crazy to think any girl could ever like me. (Steve looks at his reflection in a computer monitor.) Look at me, I am repulsive.
STAN: No you're not. Look son, Roger was right, you're not like me. You're not as good looking, or as strong, or as smart, or as good sexually…
FRANCINE (outside, into loudspeaker): Oh wait, he killed himself in jail!
STAN (into intercom): Damn it Francine, we're having a moment here! (to Steve) Listen son, I'm gonna show you something I've never shown anyone before. (Stan hands Steve a photo of himself when he was younger.) That's me when I was your age.
STEVE: Oh my God, you were hideous!
STAN: Well I certainly wasn't the stallion I am today. The point is Steve, you'll be just fine. Because you're choc full of potential.
STEVE: Wow, thanks Dad. Aww but I don't wanna face Lisa Silver...
STAN: I got ya covered. (Stan dials a number into his cell phone.) Hello, INS? Hey is this Nick? hey Nick it's Stan! Hey! What's going on? hey, how'd that wire tap on your wife work out? Oh. Oh, sorry about that. Well hey, better with your brother than some stranger, right? Right, yeah! Moving on, moving on... Right, right. Say, uh, listen, could you do me a huge favor? You know the Silver family at 419 Elm? Yeah, lets... lets deport them.
STEVE: Oh, you're the best Dad!
(They hug.)
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(The family is sat around the table, eating.)
STAN: Mm, great stew Francine. The peas are like floating survivors from a sunken beef ship.
FRANCINE: Steve, you're awfully quiet. Are you still upset about what happened at school?
STEVE: I'm fine with that. I just wish I was smoother with the ladies.
(The camera pans in on Roger's face: he's had an idea.)
[INT. SMITH HOUSE - STEVE'S ROOM]
(Steve is on the phone. Roger is sitting on his bed next to him.)
STEVE (into phone): Oh, OK Melissa. So I'll meet you at the arcade tomorrow after school? Bye! (Steve hangs up.) Thanks for the help, coach.
ROGER: My pleasure. But if you expect to get me boob I'm gonna need a but-load of Twinkies. ... (Roger spews the green substance from his sides.) Ah, gesundheit?